Older, Wiser in Bed: What's Boring to One Person, Might Mean Quiet Charm to Another

This recent article in the Time Online entitled Older, Wiser in Bed answers a question from a bored 50-something woman who is contemplating leaving her husband for an older man. The answer describes exactly how I feel about so many spouses leaving their mates to seek seemingly more verdant pastures: The grass isn't necessarily greener on the other side, it's just different. The horse seeking greener pasture hasn't changed, except that it wanted something not quite in reach. Finding a way to get to it took quite some effort. But when it got to the other pasture, it realized that all it had accomplished was to simply trade grass for . . . grass. Here is Dr. Stuttaford's answer to the woman's question:

Leaving a husband whose only vice is that he is boring seems a poor reason to renege on the mutual commitment and loyalty that led you to battle through life together for nearly 20 years.

Dullness is entirely subjective. What is interpreted as dullness in a man by one woman will be described by another as quiet charm. Is your husband dull, or are you just bored by him? Would you find your older lover equally boring if you had been with him every day for 20 years? By then, you would know all his jokes and stories by heart. Furthermore, within ten years, your older man will be a septuagenarian with a 50 per cent chance of being impotent, and no longer able to be the skilled, considerate lover. His physical and mental powers will be beyond their peak and the first signs of intellectual inflexibility, emotional blunting and forgetfulness may well be showing.

By then, you may remember your husband with some nostalgia.

So what's the point of this post? In my humble and lay opinion, sometimes it takes less energy to "fix" a boring marriage than it does to renege on one's promise to love and cherish one another in order to embark on a new relationship. If the pain, chaos and upheaval that result from a broken marriage are worth the effort, then leave. But if you are merely bored ... look inside. Nine times out of ten, that's where the true problem lies. Horses seeking excitement bring their problems with them to that greener pasture.

Does Divorce Make You Happier?

Bob left our marriage because he was seeking happiness. His restlessness and yearning for something better, always evident through our many moves and his many jobs, and his habitual need to blame someone or something externally, finally landed on me. I was happy in my marriage. Content. And reveling in my love for him and in the long success of our relationship.

When he left, I asked him two things. One: Was he going through a midlife crisis? No, he said, but we both knew better. And two: Did he think he could find happiness by blaming me for his unhappy state?

His answer was unsatisfactory. I found out years later that he was still a desperately unhappy man in his new marriage, while I was still quite content. Is there a lesson to be learned from my situation? If you've had no history of abuse or drugs in your marriage, or experienced no extraordinary external factors, such as the death of a child, the following information might interest you.

Below are listed just a few of the results of a 2002 study entitled, Does Divorce Make People Happy? Findings from a Study of Unhappy Marriages, By Linda J. Waite, Don Browning, William J. Doherty, Maggie Gallagher, Ye Luo, and Scott M. Stanley,

• Unhappily married adults who divorced or separated were no happier, on average, than unhappily married adults who stayed married. Even unhappy spouses who had divorced and remarried were no happier, on average, than unhappy spouses who stayed married. This was true even after controlling for race, age, gender, and income.

• Divorce did not reduce symptoms of depression for unhappily married adults, or raise their self-esteem, or increase their sense of mastery, on average, compared to unhappy spouses who stayed married. This was true even after controlling for race, age, gender, and income.

• The vast majority of divorces (74 percent) happened to adults who had been happily married five years previously. In this group, divorce was associated with dramatic declines in happiness and psychological well-being compared to those who stayed married.

• Unhappy marriages were less common than unhappy spouses. Three out of four unhappily married adults were married to someone who was happy with the marriage.

This report comes from a team of family scholars chaired by Linda J. Waite of the University of Chicago. © 2002.

The point of this post is this: Continuing with one's marriage or ending it has a lot to do with attitude. Those who are willing to fight for their happiness and think that divorce is not an option, have a chance of working through their problems. But some folks, like Bob, just give up. I recall Bob saying to me: "My sister has married three times, and my brother has been divorced twice. Perhaps it's my turn."

With an attitude like that, did I stand a chance? Looking back, I think not.