Thankful - lessons I've learned to stay whole and healthy

Image from Lauren Conrad.com 

It's been ages since I posted an article on this blog. There are many reasons for this - health, work, family. Family most of all. My parents are aging rapidly and they need my help, and I've undergone a couple of operations, one on my right knee, which hasn't improved the situation much. From your comments I see that I have hit quite a few nerves, so I will continue.

Enough about me. I realized today - Thanksgiving 2013 - how thankful I am for so many things. It's been 12 years since my divorce and I now think of myself as a single woman of independent means through hard work and personal effort. There are times when I miss my ex with a longing that I can't explain, but at other times I realize that he is the one who is missing out on spending the rest of his life with me, someone who adored and loved him with all her heart.

I used to sing to him :"Will you still need me, will you still feed me, when I'm 64?" Guess not.

Today, on this day of thanks, I am thankful for:

3. Gainful employment. I've been on the road for 5 weeks, spending only 6 days at home. My job is fulfilling, if not hectic, and comes with full benefits. Better yet, it's survived this terrible economy. Oh, I've worked hard to keep my position, attending classes over the years to receive graduate certificates and going to conferences and workshops. As I age (it gets harder by the years to keep up with the "young-uns") I struggle to maintain my energy. My young colleagues are full of vigor and new ideas, and have no trouble multi-tasking during the day and playing hard at night. While they attend parties and events and go to restaurants, I spend my weekends recouping my energy and harvesting my resources. Still, I feel proud that I landed on my feet. My ex and my friends never predicted that I would amount to anything much in the workplace - but here I am - working with programs across the state, providing resources and technical advice and training, and working with top state agencies. Sometimes I pinch myself and say, "You go, girl."

I attribute my success to those bleak days after my divorce, when the only thing I had going for me was hard work. A friend of mine is experiencing tough emotional times and is begging me to pile the work on so she can keep busy. I get where she's coming from.

2. My health. After my divorce I concentrated on exercising and eating well - habits that are saving me now. If you are going through the trauma of divorce, don't neglect your physical well being. Walking, exercising at the gym, biking, running, lifting weights - all these physical exertions will give you a sense of control during a time when you feel as if the rug has been pulled from under you. Drinking, smoking, and eating excessively will work against you. I know. I've tried all three tactics. You need to stay healthy and feed your brain to think clearly. You are fighting for your survival during this difficult period, and this is no time to resort to "easy" solutions. Oh, these days my health isn't what it should be. I have high blood sugar, could lose 25 lbs, and suffer from a bum knee and asthma. Nevertheless, I can walk 2-3 miles at a clip, still work like a work horse, and have fooled others into thinking that I am 15 years younger than my real age. I attribute my health to the good habits I've maintained 80% of my adult life.

1. Family. When all is said and done, family keeps us strong. Friends come and go. Family is forever. I learned this late in life. My ex did not like my family. For 20 years I was lucky to see them 2 or 3 times per year. While they tried to love Bob, his distant attitude was off putting. One last remark he made, meant to be derogatory, was that "You are just like your mother." YES, I AM. And gratefully so. Mom is beloved by friends and family. My nieces and nephews from distant lands call her regularly and take vacation time to see her at great cost.While my ex saw a foreign woman with no extraordinary skills, others see my mom as a good listener and loving, kind-hearted soul. The gift of divorce was this - I regained my family. This Thanksgiving I am surrounded by a brother and sister-in-law, nieces and nephew, grand nieces and nephews, and parents who embrace me. I visit once or twice a month and am surrounded by love. Yet, when I was married, all I heard was complaints about their shortcomings. I loved my ex's parents and siblings. What is even more interesting is that this year his niece and brother have visited me, telling me how much they miss me and how much they miss him. He has lost contact with them, while I have not.

Riches are not in things - they are in the people you love - your family and friends and neighbors. This Thanksgiving I am so grateful for so many blessings. I wish you and yours well! - Vic

P.S. My sincere apologies for the spam. I was not aware of the enormous number of spam comments, which I have largely removed. I will be more vigilant from now on. Your heartfelt and earnest conversation should not be cheapened by the self-serving comments that littered this blog.

January, the month for divorces

I certainly didn't know on January 4th, 2000 - the day that my husband informed me he was abandoning our marriage - that January is known as "Divorce Month" and that the first Monday of the year is known as "Divorce Day". This makes sense, of course, since the spouse that is leaving probably made it their New Year's resolution to opt out of the marriage.

During our last holiday together, I did not understand Bob's cold/ice cold to freezing moods. On October 30th he had held my hand as we attended a local festival and told me how much he loved me; by January 5th he had taken the guest room furniture and his desk, books, and clothes and moved into an apartment he had found in early December. I asked him why he had waited to leave me, why not before Christmas? He did not want to ruin my holiday, he said. (As if I would not notice his scowls when he looked at me and constant disapproval of everything I did.)

Bob's treatment of me during the subsequent months ended my respect for him, thankfully so, for I cannot love someone I do not respect. And so, within 11 months of his departure, after 26 years of marriage and 32 years of friendship, Bob got his divorce, a new fiancee, and a new life. I got the house, a job, and a dog, and, due to a drastic loss of appetite, finally lost the 40 lbs. I'd been meaning to lose for the past decade.

If you have come to this blog seeking answers, I'm afraid I have none. I can tell you that the raw emotions you are experiencing are shared by many others going through divorce, and that I too felt the extreme hurt and pain and bewilderment that you are feeling now.

Just know that you have family and friends you can depend on. Just know that in the fullness of time, your world, which now feels horribly out of kilter, will right itself again. Just know that you are worth loving and that you will be loved again.

Life After Divorce: Living in the Moment

I recently wrote a post about my fear for the future and my old age. One way that I combat my anxiety is to concentrate on the present - the beauty of the sunset, a peaceful morning, success in completing my projects, and enjoyment of the book I am reading.

I look to my dog for guidance. He is happy when he is fed or simply near me, and looks anxious when he is confused or lost. Once he deals with his immediate problems, he is at peace again, for he lives in the moment. I wish I could just simply ... be, like Cody.

Fear of the future and dwelling on past mistakes are powerful deterrents to happiness. I struggle every day to find my balance, reduce my anxiety, and find a sense of contentment. There are days when I am able to let go. That's when I enjoy life the most.

• Living in the Moment
• The Art of Now: Six Steps to Living in the Moment
• Living in the Moment Really Does Make People Happier
• How to transform anxiety

Dining Out Alone

Sorry for the long silence. I thought I had lost this blogger account, but I found my password and new email address (both of which I had changed without recording what I had done. AAAARGGH!)

A month ago a divorced colleague sounded astounded when I said that I planned to dine out alone after our appointment. "Where?" she asked. "Don't you feel conspicuous?" She was curious, because her daughter will enter college next year. For the first time since her divorce, she will truly be by herself, and she was already experiencing some anxiety at the thought of so much "alone time."

I thought about her concern, recalling the first time I dined alone in public. I wasn't divorced yet, and it was a Friday evening. I was surrounded by couples, mostly young and dating. It took all my energy to hold back my tears. At that time of sorrow, I felt even lonelier in that crowded space. Bob and I had been accustomed to dining out once or twice a week. We always set up a couples Friday, and we had followed that tradition for twelve years. When we dined alone together, we always had something to talk about. Our conversations were interspersed with lots of laughter, and I never tired of being with 'my man'.

During our separation, we would hash out our agreement at a public place. It was the only time in our long relationship that we had nothing to share with each other, and we resembled one of those silent couples who waited wordlessly for their food and stared out into space, ignoring each others' eyes. More than anything, I knew my marriage was over during those excruciatingly awful dining experiences.

After the divorce papers were signed, I persisted in dining out alone. Time is money, and I resisted having to go grocery shopping, cooking, and cleaning the dishes during my busy week days. As time passed, I began to feel more comfortable sitting by myself in a restaurant. Here are a few tips for single dining success that work for me:

• Go to a favorite haunt where the waiters or waitresses have gotten to know you. This process might take time, but once the staff recognizes you, they will seat you at your favorite table and greet you with a smile. In less than a few months, the place will start to feel cozy, like a diningroom away from home. In one restaurant, the waitress immediately takes me to my favorite table by a window, and brings me a glass of cabernet. Even when the place is busy, I am given preferential treatment.
  

• If you don't like staring into space, bring something to do. I write notes in my datebook, check my phone or email messages, compose letters, read a novel or newspaper, listen to my ipod, and text message discreetly. I also bring a small electronic sudoku puzzle, which hangs off my keychain. If you are desperate for something to do and you forgot to bring along materials, pretend you are a food critic. Take note of the service, the dishes and their presentation, and the atmosphere. Formulate your critique in your mind.
  

• Go early, before the other tables fill up with families or couples. Usually restaurants are relatively empty between 5:30 - 7:30. One tends to receive undivided attention at this time, which is nice on the ego, and I always ask for the best table, which is usually available.

• If you are watching your pennies, go during happy hour. Drinks and appetizers cost less. An appetizer plus a salad usually fill me up nicely, and they are not hard on the pocketbook when the prices are cut in half.
  

• Don't sit at the bar alone. Older women tend to be ignored even by men their age, and that is hard on the ego.

• Dine out during the week. Weekends are still hard for me, and they might be for you too. I avoid going out alone on weekends by making sure to receive my new netflix DVD for Saturday, or to be with friends. On the few occasions that I dine alone on weekends, I dress up nicely. When I look like a winner, I feel empowered.

• Remember, people barely even notice you are dining solo. You probably feel more conspicuous than you really are.
  

Here's a lovely quotation I found online that describes my single dining experience:

Being solitary is being alone well: being alone luxuriously immersed in doings of your own choice, aware of the fullness of your own presence rather than the absence of others.

(Source: Alice Koller, The Stations of Solitude, 1990, New Beacon Book of Quotations by Women)

Learn more about the topic at these links:

• Dining Alone, About.com

• Discussion: Not Liking Going Out Alone

Strive to Have a Contented Christmas

For the newly divorced person, or one who is going through divorce, this time of year can be extremely stressful, especially when contrasted with past, happier times. In Holiday Happiness Can Be Difficult to Find, Emily Hoffman mentions simplifying one's holiday just after a divorce. I find her advice to be sound. In fact, each year my Christmas preparations get easier. Where I once threw parties and decorated three theme trees, I only put up one small one that has been carefully placed for maximum effect for both inside and outside the house. Instead of giving a party, I meet friends for a holiday dinner at a nice restaurant. The nieces and nephews receive gift certificates to their favorite stores, and I take them on their shopping expedition the day after Christmas when they get twice the bang out of my buck.

I purchase consumables for friends and older relatives: wines, fine cheeses and chocolates, exotic beers, energy efficient fluorescent bulbs, spring bulbs to put into the ground, blooming plants that brighten a room, memory sticks for computers or expensive memory cards for cameras, reams of printer paper and ink cartridges for computer printers, and the like. These gifts may not seem memorable, but they are useful and easy to accumulate at sales over the year. Chances are these gifts won't be regifted, as they are so useful. I 'wrap' all my presents in pretty gift bags that I purchased on sale the year before or at the dollar store.

What is happiness anyway? I find it to be an intense emotion that lasts only a few days or hours. Often, there is a feeling of letdown after one experiences happiness. Such an intense emotion simply cannot be sustained for long. These days I strive for the mellower, steadier feeling of contentment. This not only takes less energy to achieve, but in the long run contentment can be equally as satisfying as happiness. Click here to find some ways to achieve this gratifying state: Contentment.

Over Fifty and Divorced? You're Probably OK

Here's an interesting online article about divorce after 50 from AARP titled A House Divided. It comes to this conclusion:

At all age levels, midlife divorcers did quite well on our survey's measure of contentment and expectations for their future. When compared with respondents to other recent surveys, they reported roughly the same measures of happiness as other single Americans their own age, and those who remarried also scored very high. This held true regardless of who made the decision to split or how long the marriage lasted. As for regrets, about 70 percent of those who initiated the divorce were confident they'd done the right thing.