Tips on Dating as a Senior

Tips on Dating as a Senior is an article written by guest writer, Allison Gamble:

Divorced seniors often find themselves overwhelmed when they attempt to reintegrate themselves into the dating world. It doesn’t take a psychology degree to know that dating can be challenging in and of itself, but if you are older and newly single, it may seem as though there are numerous obstacles to overcome. Some seniors may become so frustrated at the dating process that they may give up or avoid dating altogether. An open mind and the adherence to a few simple guidelines can help mean the difference between dating frustration and success.

As the saying goes, a first impression is always a lasting impression. Your initial chitchat can mean the difference between a second date or an early departure.

First date dialogue that contains hours of criticism or reminiscence about relationships past is an indicator that you are not ready to move on to a different relationship. It is important to give anyone that you are dating a fair chance for a trusting relationship. If you find yourself unable to trust anyone, you may want to do some evaluation and try to understand why. If you are unable to make adjustments to allow yourself to love and trust again, consider seeking professional help. A therapist can help you get over the hurt and pain from your prior relationship, make you stronger and enable you to start anew.

If you are newly divorced, avoid jumping into a serious relationship too soon, or giving the impression of it during your first date conversation. It's easy to scare someone off by moving forward too quickly. Furthermore, a relationship on the rebound is almost never successful in the end, and you could ruin your chances of long-term success. Allow yourself adequate time to heal before jumping back into the dating pool in order to ensure that you are emotionally ready and available to begin a new relationship. Make sure that you have truly let your old relationship go, and that you are now ready and able to start anew. This will create the best chances for success and help ensure an enjoyable first date.

Maintain your expectations. It is not uncommon to envision perfection, particularly when reentering the dating world after a divorce or the death of your spouse. Always bear in mind that searching for perfection will leave you lonely and frustrated – nobody’s perfect. It might be helpful to create a small wish list of traits that are important to have in a mate, as well as those that are incompatible with your lifestyle. However, interrogating someone on the first date to see if they meet your criteria is a no-no. Allow the conversation to flow naturally, and take your time getting to know someone.

According to the Washington State Office of the Attorney General, online dating has become an extremely popular option for seniors, but can be risky . Online dating is a great way to meet a variety of new and interesting people; you can weed out suitors with whom you share common interests, who look interesting or attractive, and it’s a low-pressure way to dip your toes back into the dating world since you don’t have to worry about face-to-face rejection.

But the Internet also comes with its own share of pitfalls. Internet safety should be carefully observed during any online Internet interactions. Use caution prior to meeting someone that you have met on the Internet so that your safety is not compromised during your meeting. It can be too easy to reveal too much private information about yourself, which could compromise your safety. Disclose information slowly as you gain trust in the person you are chatting with, especially during an initial conversation.

If you have a special hobby or interest that you enjoy, you may want to consider joining some type of group or hobby club in order to give you the opportunity to find someone who shares common interests. Whether it's dancing, bingo or museums that tickle your fancy, associating yourself with the right group will increase the odds that you will find someone compatible. Finding someone who has similar interests can help create a foundation for first date bonding that can easily be expanded into something more. If you don't have any hobbies, consider trying something new to help occupy your time and give you the opportunity to meet new people. Often, just being able to leave the house and socialize can be one of the most challenging aspects of dating, no matter the age.

Try not to be afraid to venture out into the murky waters of dating. You already have the life experience that you need to know what makes you happy and what you enjoy. Use this wisdom to your advantage while playing the dating game and choosing a partner. Your life experience and knowledge make you rich, and will benefit you in the long run, so sit back, relax and enjoy the many pleasures that come with your new availability.

Allison Gamble has been a curious student of psychology since high school. She brings her understanding of the mind to work in the weird world of internet marketing. http://www.psychologydegree.net/

Fifty-something, Single, and Dating

Uggh. I hate the thought of going out with someone I barely know. Dating at sixty is as awful as dating at sixteen. One spends a couple of hours with a stranger, trying to be witty and amusing while conquering feelings of nervousness and wondering - "Is he as attracted to me as I am to him?" - or waiting for the date to end.

Then there's the decision to kiss him or not after that first date. Or, if you are wild for each other, when it would be appropriate to make love without looking easy or cheap. For those of us whose sex lives went from frequent or regular love-making sessions to none, this question carries some weight. At my age, I can count the number of times I've made love to a man in the past two and a half years on the fingers of one hand. Then again, I'm not as nimble as I used to be, if you get my drift. And neither is a man my age, unless he's kept up his fitness regimen. Even then, well, let's just say I am beginning to understand the charms of viagra.

My sweet niece called my one day, all excited. "Auntie Vic, she said, I think I've found you a man. He's funny, divorced, and a wonderful person. And he's 53 years old."

"Whoa," I answered, "Does he know I just turned 60?"

From experience, I know of few men who are looking for women who are older than themselves. True, most people are shocked to learn I am sixty. I look younger and behave and think like a 30-year-old, so that even my relatives are fooled into thinking that this tough old broad still has some juice in her. But I am becoming more keenly aware of my age with each year. I move more slowly, feel arthritis beginning to cripple my fingers, and can't multi-task with the efficiency I was once known for.

Which brings me to the business of looking for someone to date. I simply don't have the time, inclination, or energy these days to go shopping for a man. According to AARP magazine, "Of the 97 million Americans who are 45 or older, almost 40 percent—36.2 million—are on the loose." That's a significant number of people, but I suspect a large percent of them are women, so I would view this information with a jaundiced eye. At a social event last night in an art gallery, the number of mature women outnumbered the men by 3:1. Of the men that attended the event, almost all had arrived with a date or spouse. I didn't even bother to look for prospects but concentrated on enjoying the event with my two female friends. Ok, I'm willing to admit that most men would not be attracted to attending an evening of short story reading at an art gallery, but I've experienced the same phenomenon white water rafting or volunteering in a beer tent at a sports event. Most of the men I met at these venues were already taken.

Had someone told me six years ago that I would have been dateless in 2008 and so far in 2009, I would have called them crazy. After my divorce I was actively looking for a new relationship, but the truth was that the enormous amount of effort this took did not lead to satisfactory results. My last date was so excrutiatingly awful, with my partner talking about himself 90% of the time and evincing no interest in my hobbies or interests, that I literally counted the minutes before I could politely say goodbye. Now I prefer being by myself and calling my own shots. I look forward to a cozy evening with my loyal dog or going out with friends during the weekend. I am no longer ashamed of being single in a couple's world, and rather revel in the strange looks I get as I sit in a fancy restaurant alone, treating myself to a nice meal, and hugely enjoying my own company.

Last week I went to a place called Bark Farm and volunteered to walk rescued dogs and muck out their pens. I was surrounded by volunteers of all ages, each of them eager to help our unfortunate canine friends. Helping these abandoned creatures puts things in perspective. They are experiencing the same feelings of bewilderment and abandonment that I once felt. It breaks your heart to see these frightened and lonely pets, but you come away feeling you've done something to help alleviate their hurt. To me, such activities are more worthwhile and fulfilling than spending an evening with someone with whom I have very little in common. Sometimes I think it would be nice to find a new mate while I'm actively involved doing something I like, but I'll just chalk that up to wishful thinking.

• Read these fascinating insights about dating in Seeking Love.

• Sex and Dating After 50

• Wonder why I'm a bit cynical? Here's an AskMen.com article for you: Can 50 Year Old Divorced Guys Get Younger Women? (You might have to click on "skip this ad.")
  

Why dating during divorce isn't wise

One of the biggest surprises I had as I went through divorce was when I consulted a lawyer about my legal rights. I assumed that since my husband had abandoned our marriage six months before, I would be free to date. Wrong. The lawyer told me to stay away from any romantic entanglements, or else my husband could accuse me of adultery. Such an action could also affect my final settlement.

There are so many legal pitfalls to be wary of as you go through this painful process. These links leads to important advice, including a previous post I wrote on this subject.

• Divorce Tips and Traps to Avoid: I found many of these to be helpful.

• The Overwhelming Downside to Dating During Divorce

• Dating During Divorce Isn't Wise

Dating After 50

Dating. Uggh. I hate the term. The whole concept is new to me, even though I have been divorced for six and a half years. I met my last significant boyfriend (another term I hate) shortly after Bob and I separated. My new beau and I began a four-year relationship soon after my divorce.

Since my break up with my post-divorce beau, I have had two "pure" dates. The first was magical and it led to a short intense 3-month relationship. The second date was a disaster. The fellow met me at a strip mall Mexican Restaurant and only ordered an appetizer. Needless to say, I did not order an entree over $9.95. Since he ordered beer, I stuck with cheap wine. This gentleman had been married three times, worked the night shift at a local cigarette factory, and was living with his mother. The date lasted two hours as he nursed his one beer and I my one wine. Afterwards this man told me that I was special and that he would like to see me a second time. No thanks.

Yesterday I held a 4th of July party and invited 14 people for a cook out. One of my guests was my ex beau, the one I met shortly after my separation from Bob. We broke up two and a half years ago. He, his son, and his son's girlfriend arrived, and it was like the years fell away. My old beau stoked up the grill, his son helped to entertain the guests, and I cooked the meal. The day was so cozy and comfortable, with them moving about my house easily and interacting familiarly with my other guests. But as the day came to a close, I found myself alone with my dog.

Last night, bittersweet nostalgia swept over me. My old beau and I truly care for each other. In fact, I can honestly say I love him and miss him. He loves me too and he obviously wanted to stay. So what was the problem?

Faithfulness.

Not that I necessarily want to get married, but if I am going to sleep with a man, I expect exclusivity. And that loyalty just wasn't there. My sweet, wonderful friend is eye candy to women and he, like the Warren Beatty of old, loves them all. And that was the problem. My wonderful handsome friend is a serial monogamist. He flits from woman to woman, and is committed to one at a time, usually for two or three months or so. The fact that I lasted four years astounded our acquaintances. Oh, he's slowing down as he gets older, but he is still open to the possibilities of exploring a relationship with women he has yet to meet.

And I am too proud and fastidious to put up with that.

Because of my old beau's good looks and his sweet ways, women are drawn to him like monarch butterflies to a butterfly bush. He is irresistible. And so he has no trouble flitting. So, sadly and with regret, even though I received the invitation to, ahem, spend a splendid night of passion, I let him go home. He received my gentle no as a gentleman, not begging or playing games. Then he simply hugged me and walked away.

I let him go with only a slight pang.

We are friends. That is all. Deep, loving, mutual friends. I cannot tell you the number of times we have come to each others' rescue since our break up. This kind of friendship IS possible between a man and a woman. Don't let all the naysayers tell you it isn't. Oh, sure there are sexual overtones, and when we are seeing others (more about this later) we don't interact. But when we both are free with no significant others lurking in the background, our friendship reverts to the easy old ways. It took us a year to arrive at this juncture, and it took some mental gymnastics on my part. But when a friend of mine wisely counseled me that life is too short to lose someone you truly love and respect, her words freed me.

At this stage of my life I would rather spend time with a dear friend than with a stranger who is a lousy date. It is that simple. Oh, and lest you think I am a fool for love, we rarely communicate with or see each other. Only when it counts.

So, as you begin to date again, remember that not all the men you meet are going to be potential spouses. Some are a lousy date. Some are potential mate material. And some will simply make the best friend you will ever have.

Dating Pitfalls: Predators

My neighbor broke down in tears when I wished her happy New Year and asked, ”How are you?” It seems she discovered her boyfriend with another woman. Like me, Joan’s divorced and over fifty. She’d been in the relationship for three years, way past the casual dating stage and just long enough to get comfortable and hopeful.

She and her partner had bought property together. Now their break up has become so messy and acrimonious that she’s had to consult a lawyer.

“This is as bad as my divorce!” she wailed.

Not only was Joan emotionally devastated, she stands to lose thousands in loans and legal fees.

Another acquaintance, Donna, has sworn off men forever. She fell in love with a handsome charmer about ten years ago. He was a ton of fun and their partying was legendary. They were inseparable for two years, and she was certain they would be married. So certain, she depleted her savings to help him purchase some land and a car. Both titles were in his name. As soon as her money was gone, he left her. This man is such a snake that he’s repeated this pattern with two other women as far as we know.

My long-term relationship with a man ended after four years, but two years later we’re still good friends. I had lent him large sums of money (around $25,000) which he’s almost paid off (about $2,000 to go).

What was the difference between Joan, Donna, and me? Legal documents that spell out the terms of the loan and conditions and dates for repayment. I had also inserted a clause saying that if payments stopped for any reason, I would retain legal and sole title to the property. Late payments were subject to penalties, and we even made provisions in case one of us died. These legal documents placed us on equal footing and preserved my trust.

Was I simply lucky to have dated a decent and honorable man? Yes and no.

The men I date are sterling. If they do not meet my strict standards, I won't even consider going out with them. I've also developed extremely sensitive self-preservation antennae. Having been married to an accountant for 26 years, I’ve learned to be smart with my money, especially around strangers, which is what a new love interest is at the start of a relationship. If I were to fall and love and remarry, I would expect my mate to sign a pre-nup. In turn, I would be willing to sign one for him as well.

Donna, who has only been on two dates in eight years, has sworn men off forever. So has Joan. In fact, Donna has become so bitter towards all men that they steer clear of her, even though she is an attractive woman. Joan, in her intense grief and hurt, wants nothing to do with men in the future. I suspect her attitude may change once she feels less raw.

As for me? I love men. I always have. And you won’t find me bashing them in this blog. In fact, as many women fleece men as vice versa, accepting all kinds of expensive gifts before dumping them, so I am not taking gender sides. Having said that, I certainly don’t need a man to complete me or make my life worthwhile, but if I happen to fall in love again, I’ll be open to the possibilities.

As far as I can tell, the primary difference between me and Donna and Joan in lending money to our boyfriends was the protection of that legal document! It really is worth taking the time and effort to draw one up.

If your new love (or unmarried partner) balks at signing a legal agreement, claiming you don’t love them or trust them, take that as a big WARNING sign. Every honorable person I know would not hesitate to sign a legitimate contract when large sums are involved. That little bit of legal insurance not only helped to preserve my small savings, it enabled me to retain my friendship with my former lover and keep my heart whole.

Cartoon from http://www.fishlikefish.com/cartoons/bad.php

On Dating

A friend of mine left her husband, Chris, about five years before my own marriage broke up. His reaction, understandably, was one of anger and pain, and he turned to his best friend for solace, a man he would go rock climbing with. They would also go biking or play racquetball, the typical manly stuff. Two weeks after his wife left him, Chris was having an affair with his friend’s wife.

The relationship had begun innocently. Listening to his tale of woe, she had tried to console him, and one thing led to another. The friend found out and all hell broke loose. In the end, Chris lost his marriage and best friend. The friend in turn divorced his cheating wife. There was so much acrimony that the kids from both households were deeply affected, having to listen to one set of parents bash the other set. We all stood on the sidelines helplessly watching this train wreck, asking Chris, "Why, why?" His reply, unbelievably, was that he couldn't help himself.

Chris’s situation leads me to rule number one in the dating game: Don’t date a friend, or the ex-spouse or significant other of a friend, no matter how lonely or hurt you are, or how much you are tempted. The repercussions are usually not worth it.

I have experienced this situation first hand. I began dating a man I’d known for a long while. He and his girlfriend had been very supportive over the years. They never lived together and after 6 years of seeing each other, it was clear that the relationship was in limbo. I asked my friend if he was every going to marry Lisa. He hemmed and hawed and mumbled something about her kids and his kids and complications in scheduling, blah, blah, blah. I had also noticed a distinct tension between them the last time I saw them together, which was three years ago. When I realized that I was attracted to my male friend, I disappeared rather than complicate matters. This was easy, as I lived in a different city.

Last year he drove through town on his way back from the beach. We caught up on recent events, and he mentioned everything and everyone except Lisa. We explored a romantic relationship for about 6 weeks after his visit, mostly be email and phone, and a few overnight visits. I assumed, because he is a decent and honorable man and because I wanted their relationship to be over, that he and Lisa were no longer a steady item. My girlfriends, when I voiced my doubts, were very supportive of me, telling me that all was fair in love and war. I wanted a relationship so badly that I went against my own instincts and fell head over heels in puppy love.

It took another few months for our romance to completely peter out. After our affair was over, I surmised from a few verbal slips (using we instead of me) that he had taken Lisa to some big events, such as a wedding and college reunion.

This short relationship affected the quality of my friendship with him. Where before it had been laced with humor, natural ease, and tons of affection, we are now quite polite with each other. And my friendship with Lisa is completely over. I had not seen her for quite a few years, but we had kept in touch through an occasional email and yearly Christmas cards. I cannot (and would not) be so hypocritical as to pretend that nothing had happened. Feeling an enormous amount of guilt, I stopped communicating with her altogether. This is the first time in over a decade that I have not received a Christmas card from her.

In the end, I wound up altering my special close relationship with one friend and losing another because of a short- term and ultimately meaningless dalliance. Was it worth it? In my estimation, no. Had I listened to my inner voice and maintained some control over my emotions, I would have realized how foolish my actions were.

We lose so many friends after a divorce. This is natural, as some people will gravitate to your spouse, or others will feel so uncomfortable with the situation that they drop completely out of sight. So before you begin to date someone who travels within your social circle, ask yourself, "What repercussions can I expect if we break up?" "Would other friendships be affected as well?" "Can I live with the consequences?" If you don't like the answers to any of these questions, then don't even think about dating that person.

To Date or Not to Date, That is the Question

Separation before divorce takes a long time, especially if the couple is trying to work things out. Six months after Bob moved out, I began to realize that he was more distant from me than ever. If it hadn't been for therapy, he would have completely disappeared from my life.

He was very cagey about his complete absence, telling me he was busy. I learned much later that he was going to our lake property and dating our realtor, and visiting his brother and sister, looking for women to date among their friends. In fact he found his new wife through his sister that summer.

I only sensed something was different, but couldn't put my fingers on it. Besides, I had my own issues. It had been months since I'd had sex, and I was a healthy and good looking woman. And as I lost weight, I began to look better and better. I was also taking great pains to look good, especially with my hair and makeup.

So the irony was that while I felt so lousy inside and cried for hours at a time, men were beginning to notice me again. And so I contemplated the idea of dating. I was still shopping for lawyers (we'll pursue this subject later) and I brought the subject up to one. She immediately became alarmed and told me not to date anyone until the divorce papers were signed.

"Why?" I asked, puzzled. "My husband abandoned me and the marriage. It's not like I chose to be in this situation."

"Because," she explained patiently, "you would be legally regarded as having been unfaithful and in an adulterous relationship. If he found out, it would affect the amount of the settlement."

"What if I just went out with a man and not had sex? What if my husband was already dating?"

She shook her head no and cautioned me against taking this step and putting myself in a precarious legal position. So, if you're thinking about dating, but you are having problems coming to a financial agreement, and if things are becoming heated and complicated, hold off.

My male pen pal from New Zealand sent my dog a get well card after he'd been hit by a car. My doggie and Bob shared the same initials. The card was inadvertently delivered to my husband's apartment. That mistake cost tens of thousands of dollars. So the advice that lawyer had given me was correct: dating or even the perception of adultery can cost you a bundle before your divorce becomes final. If you can wait, do it. If you can't, understand there might be repercussions.