Taking Care of Business

Until now I was able to live a fairly comfortable lifestyle. Just before my divorce I had lived five fairly worry free years - we'd paid off the college loans, were debt free except for our mortgage, and were starting a savings account for our retirement. This was a time when Bob supplemented his income with consulting fees and when we vacationed gratis, thanks to his foreign-based boondoggles. I enjoyed five years of worry free living. Then my marriage fell apart.

I recall a time in 1978 when we were graduate students in Boston and were down to our last $20. We needed to purchase food for the dogs before we could tend to our needs. We also had to set aside money for the subway, for we had no car. After expenses, all we could afford to eat for the rest of the week was rice and spaghetti. Although we were happy and looking forward to our future life after we completed school, our first 15 years of marriage were spent as students and paying off student loans. When we reached our mid-thirties and found real jobs we let out a sigh of relief and began to think about building our assets.

Then Bob got restless. When I signed our divorce decree, Bob's lifestyle didn't change. In fact it improved because he married a rich woman. My lifestyle returned to the one I had in my thirties - we had not been poor exactly, but we had to watch our pennies.

By canceling the wine of the month club, getting rid of cable, and reducing my vacations from six a year to one or two, I managed to live on a fraction of the income I had become accustomed to. Instead of going out to dinner, I would go out at lunch. Instead of seeing movies at the theater, I would rent them. I invested heavily in a better computer, and dropped my magazine and newspaper subscriptions, getting the news online. Instead of working out at an expensive club, I concentrated on walking my dog.

I purchased conservative investment clothes, many of which I can still wear because they are not trendy. I stopped streaking my hair, and began to color it myself. My haircuts became few and far between, and I have often solicited my mother's aid in cutting an inch or so off my blunt cut. I also built a kitchenette in my walk-out basement, which has a bedroom, bath, sitting room with fireplace, and a dining area. After moving out my belongings, I rented the downstairs to relatives of friends, using the income to pay off my gas, phone, and electric bills.

I also worked nights and weekends in a second job to help me through my adjustment period. As my salary rose, I made more adjustments, quitting my night job and reinstalling cable. For a while I felt that I was leading a comfortable lifestyle again, and I was quite content despite the fact that my former opulent life was gone.

This year the stock market bottomed out and the real estate market took a dive. While I was fiscally responsible, the effects of this economic downturn have taken their toll. I will not be receiving a raise this year. (Thank God I have a job.) My brother and I are unable to rent out our investment rental house. We had purchased it four years ago, and the income it generated allowed me to go on vacation and live free of debt. Even when the roof needed replacing, and the big old oak had to be cut down, I had the cash to deal with these emergencies.

No more.

Every time I must make a big purchase, I have to dip into my savings. My niece is getting married next week. Instead of treating my family to a big dinner out, I will be counting my pennies. My safety net is rapidly dwindling as I am nearing retirement age, and once again I am thinking of retrenching. I have signed a two-year contract for a Fios bundle, but will probably not reup the contract or keep my landline. The yard man will have to go, and I will live with my old ratty couches and sagging mattress for another decade, if not forever. I have also replaced my incandescent bulbs with energy saving fluorescent bulbs, and am keeping my thermostat down.

One more matter of business: my dog Cody. Our entire family is flying to my niece's destination wedding. Today, I designated a good friend as Cody' protector. Before I leave I will notify the vet and Cody's kennel that Jim will adopt him should anything happen to me and my family. What a sobering thought. But now that I have taken care of the most important little being in my life, I can breathe another sigh of relief.

I've taken care of current business. What's next? I shudder to think.

• Money Management: Divorce

Break up and Divorce: Feel the pain and deal with it as it comes

The end of my last truly serious love affair just about killed me. My beau ended our relationship on the 4th anniversary of Bob leaving our marriage. I had met this man only 6 months after Bob left. My separation from my husband was intermingled with my sadness at losing my lifelong mate and the prospect of having this exciting new man in my life.

My new beau's presence masked much of the grieving I should have worked through. Instead of facing utter and total despair, I had a handsome man who was interested in me and wanted to take me out. The moment my divorce papers were signed, we began a full blown relationship. It was the strangest experience. At times I would cry on his chest and he would simply hold me. At other times I experienced the happiest moments of my life, for this man had children and I got a taste of what it was like to be a mother.

But rebound relationships rarely last. My beau was smart enough to notice that I had substituted him for Bob in many ways, especially when I threw parties and entertained friends. The more comfortable I became with him by my side during social get togethers, the more uncomfortable he became.

I should have known the end was near when all of a sudden my beau became "absent," as in no calls during the week and no emails. All of a sudden I saw him only at appointed times, and our dates became rushed because he always had someplace else to go. We spent a beautiful Christmas eve and morning together exchanging packages with his adult son before we separated to spend the holidays with our respective families out of town. I gave him a leather jacket and he gave me a DVD player. No alarm bells went off, just a small feeling of disappointment that there was no ring. When I returned from visiting my family, I saw a note from him in my mailbox. How sweet I thought, until I read the "Dear Vic ..."

I felt I was going to die. All the issues of my break up with Bob that I had been able to lay aside because of this new relationship came rushing at me. Along with having to face the loss of this wonderful man, I had to finally deal with the break up of my marriage, the loss of my father through divorce, and the loss of my son, who I gave up for adoption as an unwed teen mother. Once again I felt the stinging pain of divorce, only this time I was already divorced. Moreover, I felt the pain of all the losses in my life. I was 54 and felt like a useless piece of discarded garbage. One good friend made herself available morning, noon, and night. I called my mother endlessly. Both these loved ones saved me from sinking into a dark and deep depression.

Once again I lost a tremendous amount of weight. Once again I faced a birthday alone, feeling abandoned and discarded. I could not think. I could not work. I feared losing my job. I went to therapy again, only this time my therapist told me I was healed and that my reaction was normal. Feel the pain, she advised. Go with it. Let it all out. Write your feelings down (see post below.)

And I did. It took six months of agonized days and nights, and I had to fight to keep my sense of self-worth, but I emerged strong and healthy and more content than I had been in a long time. My friends had stood at the ready again, but not as intensely. This time I had to take the journey to self recovery largely alone.

In my third relationship, which occured last year, my new beau disappeared around Christmas. On January 3rd I gave him a call and told him what I needed. I could not face a third birthday feeling abandoned, so I asked him to let me go gently. A caring man, he allowed the relationship (a long distance one) to hobble along for another six months, which gave me ample time to get tired of our nonrelationship.

My therapist applauded my strength in taking positive action, although most self help articles will caution you against doing this. My beau was a good and gentle man and he did not play with my emotions. I felt I did what I needed to do to survive. A couple of friends told me I was nuts. Clean breaks are the best, they said. But this is my advice for you: Do what needs to be done for yourself. No one can tell you which actions are right and which ones are wrong. Only you know how you can best recover from a devastating hurt.

I am still friends with the two men I met after my marriage ended. The romance is over but the friendship remains. Of course, I am 58 years old, so this has a lot to do with our joint understanding. I have no connection or relationship with my ex, who has remarried, except for memories and through the objects and photos he left behind. Today I am as much in peace with my situation as I can be, given that I am a woman who loves being with a mate. I am proud of my career and ability to maintain my house, I love my friends and family, and I am often more content than I am not.

One of the best books I read that helped me understand why going through the stages of pain and grief are so important is called Managing Transitions: Making the Most of Change by William Bridges. It's a business book, but it really describes what happens when you rush into beginnings and endings without dealing with the in-between transitions where change, acceptance, and recognition happen. William Bridges gives powerful, powerful advice which is applicable to life situations as well as the work place.

Here's a link that will also help you: Healing after Break Up or Divorce