Taking Care of Business

Until now I was able to live a fairly comfortable lifestyle. Just before my divorce I had lived five fairly worry free years - we'd paid off the college loans, were debt free except for our mortgage, and were starting a savings account for our retirement. This was a time when Bob supplemented his income with consulting fees and when we vacationed gratis, thanks to his foreign-based boondoggles. I enjoyed five years of worry free living. Then my marriage fell apart.

I recall a time in 1978 when we were graduate students in Boston and were down to our last $20. We needed to purchase food for the dogs before we could tend to our needs. We also had to set aside money for the subway, for we had no car. After expenses, all we could afford to eat for the rest of the week was rice and spaghetti. Although we were happy and looking forward to our future life after we completed school, our first 15 years of marriage were spent as students and paying off student loans. When we reached our mid-thirties and found real jobs we let out a sigh of relief and began to think about building our assets.

Then Bob got restless. When I signed our divorce decree, Bob's lifestyle didn't change. In fact it improved because he married a rich woman. My lifestyle returned to the one I had in my thirties - we had not been poor exactly, but we had to watch our pennies.

By canceling the wine of the month club, getting rid of cable, and reducing my vacations from six a year to one or two, I managed to live on a fraction of the income I had become accustomed to. Instead of going out to dinner, I would go out at lunch. Instead of seeing movies at the theater, I would rent them. I invested heavily in a better computer, and dropped my magazine and newspaper subscriptions, getting the news online. Instead of working out at an expensive club, I concentrated on walking my dog.

I purchased conservative investment clothes, many of which I can still wear because they are not trendy. I stopped streaking my hair, and began to color it myself. My haircuts became few and far between, and I have often solicited my mother's aid in cutting an inch or so off my blunt cut. I also built a kitchenette in my walk-out basement, which has a bedroom, bath, sitting room with fireplace, and a dining area. After moving out my belongings, I rented the downstairs to relatives of friends, using the income to pay off my gas, phone, and electric bills.

I also worked nights and weekends in a second job to help me through my adjustment period. As my salary rose, I made more adjustments, quitting my night job and reinstalling cable. For a while I felt that I was leading a comfortable lifestyle again, and I was quite content despite the fact that my former opulent life was gone.

This year the stock market bottomed out and the real estate market took a dive. While I was fiscally responsible, the effects of this economic downturn have taken their toll. I will not be receiving a raise this year. (Thank God I have a job.) My brother and I are unable to rent out our investment rental house. We had purchased it four years ago, and the income it generated allowed me to go on vacation and live free of debt. Even when the roof needed replacing, and the big old oak had to be cut down, I had the cash to deal with these emergencies.

No more.

Every time I must make a big purchase, I have to dip into my savings. My niece is getting married next week. Instead of treating my family to a big dinner out, I will be counting my pennies. My safety net is rapidly dwindling as I am nearing retirement age, and once again I am thinking of retrenching. I have signed a two-year contract for a Fios bundle, but will probably not reup the contract or keep my landline. The yard man will have to go, and I will live with my old ratty couches and sagging mattress for another decade, if not forever. I have also replaced my incandescent bulbs with energy saving fluorescent bulbs, and am keeping my thermostat down.

One more matter of business: my dog Cody. Our entire family is flying to my niece's destination wedding. Today, I designated a good friend as Cody' protector. Before I leave I will notify the vet and Cody's kennel that Jim will adopt him should anything happen to me and my family. What a sobering thought. But now that I have taken care of the most important little being in my life, I can breathe another sigh of relief.

I've taken care of current business. What's next? I shudder to think.

• Money Management: Divorce

Finding a Job: Writing Your Resume

Among the worries upper most in my mind during the early months of my separation was putting together a decent resume. Oh, I’d dabbled at working and I had a resume of sorts, starting with a job I held in High School. But I cringed whenever I read it. Sales girl, EKG Technician, Lab Tech, Book Store Receptionist, File Clerk, self employed artist, VISTA Volunteer, and community relations specialist. None of these jobs shared a common thread, and none led to a promotion or a position with a real future.

How could I find a job based on such a messy, sloppy work record?

I turned to a friend to help me out. She was one of the premier Marketing Professors at the University of Virginia, so that helped tremendously, and she advised me to position myself through my abilities and skills. She also advised me to toss out the chronological sequence of my job history, especially those minor sales girl and file clerk jobs.

I reworked my resume according to her suggestions and edits, not questioning her expertise and trusting that she knew what she was doing. Lo and behold, by June 30 I was offered a serious job. My friend had been right. My new resume not only looked professional, it demonstrated who I was as a worker and responsible person, emphasizing my quest for lifelong learning, and downplaying the silly jobs I’d held over the years.

The best resumes, of course, are those that are densely packed with jobs and qualifications that progress ever onward and upward, which mine is now starting to resemble. In fact, I am now hard pressed to put everything I’ve done and can do in two short pages. I revisit my resume every six months, making changes and additions. It’s part of my Plan B to be prepared (just in case.)

If you do not have a good marketing professor waiting in the wings to help you, and if you are too upset at present to think straight, here are some wonderful sites that will help point you in the right direction. You might want to ask the boss of a friend to review your new resume before you send it out. Oh, and I worked up several versions of my resume, some aimed at nonprofits, and others aimed at corporations. As Shakespeare said (or something to that effect), "The audience is the thing!"

• Free Career Advice


• Resume Writing 101


• Writing Your Resume


• Resources for Resume Writing

By sheer coincidence, The Modern Woman's Divorce Guide is covering the job hunting topic on one of its posts as well. Good minds think alike!

Finding a job with benefits at the tender age of 50

I'll admit it: I had it cushy for 26 years. Oh, don't think I didn't carry my weight or that I slacked off, but I lived the life of a fairy princess for a long time.

Sure Bob and I struggled in the early years. 75% of our combined income went to paying the mortgage and bills to our first house. Then, when we returned to school in our late twenties, we couldn't sell the dang thing. For a year we had to pay the mortgage to that place plus the rent to our walk up apartment in Boston. That was tough. But I still recall those years as being heady and fun and interesting.

And then we came across a fork in the road: Should "we" place 100% of our combined efforts into Bob's career with its promise of financial rewards and a way out of debt? Or should I continue to pursue my interest in art and art history? It was a no-brainer, and I redoubled my efforts to support my husband as he went to graduate school full time. I recall driving him to the library every day during the time that he wrote his dissertation, and editing and proofing one variation of the document after another.

In year 20 of our marriage the financial rewards began to outweigh our debts, and I must say I enjoyed spending money and traveling, which we did all through the 90's. We were not rich, but we wanted for nothing.

I pursued a career as an artist, making a modest income and learning an incredible amount about marketing myself and making contacts. I also volunteered in a local literacy organization. My small role in the organization kept expanding, from tutor to trainer to recruiter to community relations specialist to VISTA Volunteer. In order to keep up with the staff and their needs, I learned valuable computer skills. I also made a ton of contacts in my community.

At the time my marriage dissolved, I no longer worked with the organization. Bob wanted me on hand to travel (we traveled about 2 months per year), and my frequent absences were affecting the quality of my work. However, I still volunteered for the organization, creating their newsletters and publicity flyers.

The day Bob left I called a colleague at that organization, and landed an 8 hour per week position right away. I then called all the contacts I'd made over the years, letting them know I was looking for a full time job.

I found one position through a newspaper ad, and was offered the job. This was such a boost to my ego, that I almost accepted the position. But then I did the math. First, the salary was quite low, and second, the job came with no benefits. Regretfully I turned the job down, saying that by accepting it I would be unable to afford my house. Then I sat back, wondering if I would regret my decision.

A month later a friend told me about a consulting position at a nearby university, one that was funded through June 30th. She and I discussed it and it sounded like the ideal situation for me. But then nothing happened. Another month passed by, and my friend said she was "still on it." I believed her, but I also knew that she was an incredibly busy person and that helping me out was not her number one priority. I was working two jobs by then, one in a frame shop, which kept me as busy as I wanted to be up to 20 hours per week.

So, six weeks after learning about the job, I called the person in charge of the project and asked her if she was still looking for someone. Oh, yes, she said, adding that she'd been wondering why I hadn't called. As it turns out, a certain pot of money was set aside for this position, and I was told to ask for the most ridiculous amount per hour.
"$19 per hour? "I ventured.
"More," she said.
And so I went up until she was satisfied that I would use the full amount that had been allocated for this project by the end of the fiscal year. The one glitch was that the job did not come with benefits and would end in three months.

At the first staff meeting, I realized that I had teed off my friend and her boss in a major way by leapfrogging over them. Uh, oh, I thought, but then relaxed. My life was in chaos and theirs' wasn't. So I determined to do the best I could and prove to them that I was worth the hire.

I soon realized that three months was too much time for so little work, so I found ways to make myself useful, creating a database of past and present trainers, some publicity materials, realigning some statewide territories so they made more sense when we went out in the field, and teaching support staff crucial desktop publishing skills. In other words, I found gaps that needed to be filled and made myself indispensable in general.

When June arrived, my boss asked me if I would consider a permanent position with them, one with benefits. Would I? I tried not to leap into her arms to hug her, but she could tell from the joy on my face that she had lifted a huge worry. As for my friend and her boss, they forgave me for taking charge of my own situation and leapfrogging over them. My work had relieved their loads and they couldn't argue with the results.

So, here I am at 58, just embarking on a career, rubbing elbows with people half my age, and working on statewide projects that affect hundreds of organizations. It hasn't been easy for me. I needed to take a lot of work home at first just to learn the "business." And I've taken a lot of classes and workshops since.

These are some of lessons you might take away from my slipshod approach to life:

1. Do not depend on the actions of others. Yes your friends and acquaintances might have your welfare in mind, but their sense of timing is not as urgent as yours.
   
   
2. Don't accept a job just because it is offered. Ask yourself: Is this situation good enough for me and my needs? If I take this job, will I close the door on something better?
   
   
3. Once you land a position you love, make yourself indispensable. Make them want you more than you need them. Easier said than done? Yeah, but worth the rewards.
   
   
4. Not divorced and happily married? Keep yourself employable any way. You never know what life will hand you and when you'll need to go it alone. Too many women my age were left stranded because they did not align their hobbies or volunteer jobs with employable skills. You might say I was lucky in that regard. Then again, I am a firm believer that, barring a natural catastrophe, you create your own luck.
   

This is the one time that you really can't rely on the advice of others. You know what situation works best for you. Only you know what working conditions will make you happy. For some, having financial security is the strongest pull. For me, the benefits were extremely important, as I have asthma and need frequent medical care. In addition, I needed to be given a great amount of independence, which is exactly what I got. I am making much less than my young nephew, who is just four years out of college, but I thank my lucky stars that I found the job I did.

To Keep or Not to Keep … Your House

A few months after my separation, I went to a conference. I struck up a conversation with a single divorced mother of one teen-aged boy. We began comparing our situations. She’d been divorced for four years, and I was going through divorce.

I told her I wanted to stay in my house, that I loved it and that I didn’t want to be punished for my husband’s desire to dismantle our life together. I’ll never forget that woman's advice: "Sell your house. It will become a millstone." She regretted staying in hers, she said, saying that on her teacher’s salary she could not afford its upkeep and that it was slowly rotting inside and out.

However, she and I came from different circumstances. As an administrator, I earned more than she did, for one. I do not have a child who is getting ready for college. And, most importantly, I own my house free and clear.

Even so it has been a struggle maintaining the house and finding painters, electricians, and plumbers as the need arises. My lifestyle altered drastically when Bob left, and I live on a fourth of the combined income we once enjoyed. I simply don’t have the skills to do more than minor repairs, and though I am handy with a paint brush, I don’t have much spare time to physically work on my house. My family urges me to move, saying a condo suits my needs much better, but I am not a condo type of girl.

I live within walking distance of the river and revel in the beauty of my house’s physical setting, the woods that surround me, the wildlife, and my quiet street. I live conveniently close to work and shopping. And my house is a bargain. I would be hard pressed to find a nice condo that costs less.

So, for the time being I’ll stay in my house. I have opened two of my bedrooms to Sudanese students-Lost Boys of the Sudan-who needed shelter and an affordable place to live. All I ask is that they pay a maintenance fee to cover their cost of heating, air conditioning, water, cable, phone, etc. Now my home is filled with life, and there's always someone to watch my dog when I work long hours or to help me with heavy work in the yard.

Each of us has to make decisions based on our individual circumstances. For that one woman, selling her house made sense. As you can see from this photo of my back yard, I'd be crazy to leave my tiny 1/2 acre paradise. Can you believe it is located a mere twenty minutes from downtown, and that's during rush hour. I think I’ll stay put for a few more years. I'm lucky, I realize, very lucky, but then, I'm also a firm believer that you make your own luck.

More on this topic later.

Plan B: Always have one

Know why I rebounded rather quickly from my divorce and with my humor intact? Plan B.

I've always had one. Life's given me a few hard knocks, so I've learned to never count on certainty and to always be prepared.

Yes, but I'm happily married, you are saying to yourself. I am only reading this blog to help a friend in need. If that is the case, you should have a plan B too. One of my friends just lost her husband to a sudden heart attack. She was caught flat-footed, without a will, without her health (she is going blind from diabetes), without knowing where all the important papers are, and, as a full-time housewife for 35 years, without the apparent skills to search for a well-paying job.

Plan B means:

Keeping yourself employable and upgrading your computer, sales, or office skills, even though you don't need to earn a salary.

Updating your resume periodically, just because.

Continuing with your education, even it it's just for fun. I don't mean college. Adult education classes, art classes, cooking instruction, writing seminars will help to keep your mind sharp. You will also meet a world of people outside of your smaller circle of friends and acquaintances.

Making sure your insurance payments are current.

Stashing emergency money aside in a separate savings account. I have saved enough money to be able to pay my living expenses for three months should I lose my job. I am not a rich person and I had to live frugally for 6 months in order to achieve this goal. But now I have peace of mind. I also never overdraw my checking account.

Acquired a home equity line of credit that you can tap into ... just in case.

Applied for a credit card in your own name.

Written down an emergency strategic plan ahead of time, outlining the steps you will take in case you lose your mate to death, or if one or both of you are disabled for any reason, or if you lose your health, or find yourself on the wrong end of a lawsuit.

Sound smart and simple to do? If so, then ask yourself question: Do I have a Plan B in place? If not, I suggest you might think about creating one today.

Joint bank accounts

Bob closed our joint bank account one month after our separation. Since I depended on his income to pay the mortgage and most of my bills, this step felt threatening. It increased my anxiety about my financial future. His assurances that he would take care of me fell on deaf ears. Hadn't he promised lifelong fidelity and love? Wasn't he breaking those promises?

I was also unaware that one spouse could close a joint account without the other spouse's knowledge or signature. Second, I had very little independent income at my disposal - less than $2,000 plus the tiny salary I earned from my three part time positions.

My advice to anyone whose spouse has left them is to make sure that you open a new bank account with as much money as you can free up. My dependence on Bob during this delicate time placed me in a powerless position, and my feeling of helplessness and dependency affected our counseling sessions. I never quite felt like his equal during those times.