Become an Active Verb During Your Divorce

During the stress of divorce, strike "would, should, and could" from your vocabulary. These words have no place in your life just now - they will only hurt you.

You know yourself better than anyone. If you were a loving, supportive, and kind spouse, do not let your divorcing spouse accuse you of having behaved in any other way.

During my marriage I thought about my husband's well being night and day. I would go to the grocery store and ask myself, "What would Bob like?" I would think as he was traveling, "I wonder what Bob is doing just now?" And while he was at work, I would clean the house the way he liked, purchase his favorite soft drinks, and eagerly look forward to his return home. I had my own active life, so I didn't drop everything that nurtured me to accommodate him, but he was my number one priority.

During my divorce and shortly afterward he said he regarded my love for him a sham. "It was just for show, Vic." He did not believe I loved him.

But I knew what I had thought and felt during my marriage, and although it hurt me to know that he did not value my brand of loving, he could not shake my knowledge that for 32 years, through 6 years of dating and 26 years of marriage, he was the most important person in my life. I did not allow him to rewrite our history in my head, and I still cling to the belief that whatever mistakes I made (and there were plenty), I could not have loved him more.

We cannot make others happy. We can love our spouses, support them, make them our priority, and tell them we need them, but I fervently believe that we cannot "complete" them. There is a journey that each one of us must travel alone. Oh, the quest is easier when one basks in the love and support of a spouse, but when that spouse expects you to fill an empty hole within his soul, well, nothing you do, nothing you say, nothing you give can fill that needy, bottomless pit.

I found this out the hard way. The irony was, that as I matured and found fulfillment in my life through my creativity, my husband became deeply unhappy and restless. One of the last statements he made to me was that while he was able to make me happy, I could not do the same in return.

Not true. Before I learned that you cannot make another person happy, I tried to make Bob happy as best I could, whether it was through traveling to places he liked, or attending business dinners, or inviting his friends over, or loving his family as my own. But my attempts were never good enough. So, when Bob said he was leaving, the one truth I clung to and the one thing that I knew to be true was that I was the best wife I could possibly be. Bob's words hurt, but they did not strike my inner core. Interestingly, my nature is to settle back into contentment and happiness after I have dealt with the issues of a major catastrophic event. I venture to say that 6 1/2 years after our divorce I am as content as I have ever been. (And I strongly suspect Bob is still unhappy.)

As you and your spouse go your separate ways, be kind to yourself. Think of yourself as an active verb. You are good. You are loving. You are a spectacular person. And this world is a better place because you are in it.

The Healing Power of Laughter

Despite my overwhelming grief, rage, and sadness during the early stages of my divorce, I experienced unexpected moments of happiness. My short bursts of laughter surprised me at first, as if I didn't deserve such a wonderful emotion.

I'd be with friends and family doing something I liked or was good at, like tubing down the river, and be totally in the moment. For a short period I would feel like my old self again: Happy, bright, funny, looking forward to a the future, and liking my friends and myself.

These infrequent respites gave me much needed relief from the emotional rollercoaster I was riding and from the constant worry, fear, and emotional pain I was feeling. I could never predict when these happy interludes would occur. Sometimes being with friends worked and sometimes this didn't, so I had to learn to roll with the punches. I would savor the few times when a puppy or laughing baby would transport me.

It's a well known fact that laughter boosts the immune system, and that depression and grief supress it. A friend of mine attended laughter therapy classes to counteract the pressures she felt before she defended her dissertation. I found that a funny movie, like A Night At the Opera with the Marx Brothers worked just as well for me.

The night that I discovered that my husband was engaged to someone else (while we were still seeing a therapist to "fix our marriage") I called a friend and asked him to tell me jokes. Listening to his silly stories calmed me down. My pain receded a little and I began to laugh. The more I laughed, the more my head cleared. As my tears dried, my mind became sharp again. Within half an hour of learning about Bob's engagement, I could focus on what I needed to do, which was to call him and confront him with what I'd learned.

When he told me that his getting engaged to another woman was all my fault, all I could do was laugh. The situation was so absurd! At that moment I felt a powerful surge of energy course through me. For the first time since Bob moved out of the house, I had the courage and clarity of insight to talk to him as an equal and someone who was in control of her life. This clarity of thought and reason stayed with me during the next few days, guiding me as Bob and I finalized our divorce. Within two weeks he had what he wanted - his freedom.

More on this blog about humor: Humor Will Get You Everywhere

Attitude and healing

This modest blog is intended to help someone who is experiencing the excrutiating first steps of divorce. It had not occured to me that a person who has been divorced for a while would also be interested in reading these pages, but that seems to be the case. I'm humbled and thrilled to know this.

The hardest adjustment you'll need to make as a divorced person (or someone who is going through divorce) is in your attitude towards the divorce, your mate, and yourself. I am a child of divorce and I was determined to create a successful marriage. My determination was so great that toward the end of my marriage I had twisted myself into a pretzel trying to achieve my husband's vision of what a good wife should be and do. Notice I said my husband's vision, not my own. Toward the end, nothing I did pleased him. After agreeing to some crucial life-changing compromises (not having a child, for example, or pursuing my own career) he left any way.

It took all my strength of will not to start playing the blame game, or to beat myself up for having made some of these choices. I was a willing accomplice in our joint decisions, and the one factor that helped me to move on, the one decision I made that helped me to heal, was to make an adjustment in attitude. My attitude went from "Why is he doing this to me?" to "It wasn't all his fault. It takes two to tango, and I missed some steps along the way."

As soon as I recognized my role in our failed dance of intimacy, I had something I could work on and learn from. My attitude adjustment not only freed me from blaming him, it freed me from regretting my past choices. We grow strong by learning from our mistakes. But, if your attitude is that it's all someone else's fault, then you've missed out on the opportunity to learn something about yourself.

In analyzing why some of my friends seem to cope with life's harsh realities better than others, I've come up with a few(unscientific) observations about their characteristics. People who are able to rebound quickly and move on are generally

* people with a positive outlook.
* people who are able to reach out to others.
* people who actively pursue interests that nurture their souls.
* people who set goals and pursue them, making new ones if the old ones don't work.
* people who don't let past mistakes bog them down.
* people who possess inner strength.
* people who are able to laugh at their own foibles and mistakes.
* people of faith, who find solace in their belief and in their church community.
*people who view life as a journey, where every experience, good or bad, builds strength and character.

This attitude adjustment did not come easily. And I still find myself saying once in a while, "What if..." or "I should have ..."

But the situation is what it is. Why keep beating yourself up or your ex, for that matter? Life has dealt us a certain set of cards, and it's the way we play the game that counts.

You are in control

I've discovered an enormous life lesson. There are so many things you can't control. The weather. The behavior of others. Fate. Your genetic makeup. Random intersections. Etc.

But you can control your attitude. You can choose to be empowered. You can also choose to be a victim, but why?

If you need sympathy and stroking, then give yourself permission to sit on your pitty pot for 10 minutes. Ten minutes. That's all. But then you've got to get off and face the day squarely.

Nothing turns friends off more than someone who continues to whine and cry, and is always full of self-pity. You might receive initial support from friends and relatives using those tactics, but after a short while the stable ones will drift away, tired of the ongoing chaos and drama.

Anchor yourself during this difficult time and find an area in your life that you can control. Do something that will give you an emotional rest, if even for a few minutes. Cooking elaborate rice dishes. Tending your garden. Pursuing your career or a degree. Knitting. Painting. Writing your thesis. Training your dog. Raising your beautiful children.

During the worst times of your divorce, you still have control over your attitude. You can choose to face the situation with dignity and courage, and, yes, even humor. And don't ignore your inner voice. If you listen to your instincts and remain true to yourself, you'll experience a smoother ride during this emotional storm and emerge a stronger person.