9/26/09

How to Turn Modern Divorce Into a Positive Experience...

Dear Readers: This article was written by a divorced woman expressly for this blog. When her son was diagnosed with Autism at two years of age, her husband started to abuse him to get the boy to change. She divorced him, and had been homeschooling him until last year. When it was suggested that she take him off all sugars, she took the advice. She then put her son through a metal detox and he asked to go to school and for the first time. He is now twelve years old and sleeps through the night. Her story is not only inspiring, but life affirming. She has so much to share, and I am thrilled to place her words on this blog.

Modern divorce is just as disruptive to your life as historical divorces, however, today there are a lot more things working in your favor to minimize post-divorce trauma. While there is going to be discomfort, emotional trauma and financial stress, you can survive a divorce. To come out of your divorce in a good place you will need to follow a few simple divorce survival tips.

When you get divorced you are going to be given lots of different divorce survival tips. Some will be helpful and some will be useless. If you want to improve your post-divorce life then you need to find useful resources. These resources include things like counselors, support groups, stress relief resources and emotional support resources.

The next set of divorce survival tips will relate to your finances. One of the most stress causing issues that divorcees have to deal with is their finances. Surviving financially after a divorce can be challenging because not only is your monthly income reduced but your monthly expenses are increased. You can improve your financial position after your divorce by creating a budget. Your budget will not only identify your costs and income for the month, but it will also help you to determine where you can make cut backs and what financial holes you need to fill. If you are having a hard time handling your post-divorced finances it may be a good investment to work with a financial planner, especially to help you get your individual retirement finances set up.

One helpful strategy that I found that helped me was to carry a very small notepad everywhere I went. Even if I spent a few cents on a package of bubble gum, I inputted the date, day of week, what I purchased and how much it cost. At the end of the week I transferred the information from the notepad and put them into categories on an Exel sheet. It was an eye-opener!

In addition to finding resources to help you survive your modern divorce and to help you get your finances in order, you also need to address your personal life. For most people it is a good idea to avoid jumping back into the social scene right after their divorce. Give yourself a few months to get your life back in order and to adjust to your new single life. This short waiting period will give you the time to rebuild your confidence and it will help you to avoid jumping into a relationship with the wrong person. Also, with your life in order, you will be a much better catch and you will attract a better selection of potential mates.

If you are dealing with children and divorce then you have a few other issues to iron out before your life can move on. First of all you need to set up a parenting relationship with your ex-spouse that is functional. Regardless of the issues that led to your divorce (barring abuse), you need to develop a working relationship with your before spouse so that you can continue to be excellent parents to your kids. This means communicating with one another, supporting each other's parenting decisions and focusing both of your efforts on a joint parenting strategy. If you remain focused on what is best for the kids you can avoid many of the pitfalls of divorced parenting.

Divorce doesn't have to be the end of the world, or the end of your family unit. In fact, you have the opportunity to develop a life that is better than when you were married. The key is to focus on what is important, not to dwell on the past and to invest your time in doing what needs to be done to be happy. This may mean bringing in the help of a professional counselor, a professional financial planner or even a relationship mediator to help you design strategies to maximize the benefits of being divorced and to minimize the drawbacks.

15 comments:

Anonymous said...

I'm finding this blog page helpful and will read through it further. My divorce was cordial and the day I learned it was final (a few days ago), I wrote this poem.

Thank you for the insightful words in your blog.

Best wishes, Lori

All alone now:



I wonder what life will hold for me,

Will I be strong enough to be,

The person whom I envision and see,

Will I be gracious to matters small and grand,

I do hope so; I’ve got a paw in my hand,

A real funny face to brighten my day,

Now that I’m alone in the human way,

I pray for good things for everyone,

Especially one soul whom I’d known for so long,

Wishing them well now that they are set free,

I pray that they will find joy and be truly happy,

I am grateful for all the cares of those near,

Many have witnessed the smiles and tears,

I only hope that I have reciprocated,

For I am surely thankful for friendships demonstrated,

So now it’s just me; I’m truly alone,

Except of course - my Dog and his toy bone,

He’s good at listening to what I have to say,

I’m thankful for him, he is my true mainstay,

People move on, rightly concerned with their own dreams,

And so I too move on – does a bright future gleam?

My life has been touched by many great deeds,

All alone now, my life’s knowledge sows seeds,

Will the seeds grow with new vigor and cheer?

I’ll try to harvest goodness learned from those dear,

All alone now after many a year,

It’s just me and my Dog who faithfully lends an ear.



LC October 2009

Vic said...

What a lovely poem. Thank you so much for sharing these words. You are, I see, a very strong and positive person.

R Russell said...

Lori, Beautiful poem. Things will get better, i promise. Maybe not overnight but they will. Good luck to you.

Sheilah Vance said...

A wonderful article. One of my top bit of advice to successfully navigate the land mines of divorce is to believe that your best days are ahead of you. It looks like this author believed that and took positive steps to make it so. Kudos to her.

Cory Aidenman said...

Insightful post, I was reminded that…It is not the strongest species that survive, nor the most intelligent, but the ones most responsive to change.

Divorce said...

Remaining positive is very hard but very important when facing divorce, take one day at a time, affirm to yourself that you are strong and have the will power to get through this and in time you will.

Tracey said...

A beautiful poem to always remember so look back with joy, see how you've grown, enjoy every happy memory and wrap yourself in the love you endured.......make amends with yourself to live on the way you want to be remembered,!!!

Every journey begins with a single step (Chinese proverb)

The roads are clear so walk tall and elegantly, if you sway to the left or loose your way sometimes, your heart is your satellite navigation and it will steer you back somehow, someway.

Embrace your journey and keep going love will embrace you again, if you welcome it with open arms!

Warm regards Tracey

John said...

Nice and touchy poem. I believe divorce is not a solution to a problem. It is always suggested to take help from mediators in divorce matters because there are chances that everything get settled without divorce.

PA & NJ Uncontested Divorce said...

Great post. I enjoy reading it. When you learn to embrace personal growth and vow to live every day to the fullest, you will experience divorce in a positive light!

Athrunxala said...

I've turned my life around by getting divorced. My entire environment is less stressful and I can spend more time with my two wonderful children. I can only thank my fantastic New Jersey divorce attorney for making all this possible for me.

Michelle said...

Getting separated with your partner is totally tough ordeal to some, and it is easily manageable to some, especially with the help of their divorce lawyers. Jacksonville is where I'm currently settling down with my son for a while due to my recent divorce case being won. I'll be living a new life with all thanks to the divorce lawyers in Jacksonville, FL settling my differences with my ex-husband.

No Fault Divorce VA said...

Seems to me they're making the best of a bad situation and being very human about it. People who are getting divorced do some crazy things, and some impusive things (and not just celebritie­s). I once had a set of clients who rammed each others cars, apparently forgetting that wrecking both cars hurt both of them. But I understand that not everyone has been divorced 4000 times. On the continuum of how people behave.Nice information.

Salt Lake City Divorce Attorney said...

Divorce can hit our lives really hard but it leaves us stronger. It’s a very great post and I really enjoyed going through the blog. Thanks for sharing it!

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