During our last holiday together, I did not understand Bob's cold/ice cold to freezing moods. On October 30th he had held my hand as we attended a local festival and told me how much he loved me; by January 5th he had taken the guest room furniture and his desk, books, and clothes and moved into an apartment he had found in early December. I asked him why he had waited to leave me, why not before Christmas? He did not want to ruin my holiday, he said. (As if I would not notice his scowls when he looked at me and constant disapproval of everything I did.)
Bob's treatment of me during the subsequent months ended my respect for him, thankfully so, for I cannot love someone I do not respect. And so, within 11 months of his departure, after 26 years of marriage and 32 years of friendship, Bob got his divorce, a new fiancee, and a new life. I got the house, a job, and a dog, and, due to a drastic loss of appetite, finally lost the 40 lbs. I'd been meaning to lose for the past decade.
If you have come to this blog seeking answers, I'm afraid I have none. I can tell you that the raw emotions you are experiencing are shared by many others going through divorce, and that I too felt the extreme hurt and pain and bewilderment that you are feeling now.
Just know that you have family and friends you can depend on. Just know that in the fullness of time, your world, which now feels horribly out of kilter, will right itself again. Just know that you are worth loving and that you will be loved again.