The kindness of strangers, men specifically

Edited to contain new material: My lawnmower conked out. I bought it in 2000 and spared no expense for a cordless electric, instant start, self propelling mower. This fall, the electrical wiring to the plug loosened, and the mower is no longer fully juicing. It stops after about 10 minutes.

What to do? Who fixes electrical mowers? And if I paid the person, what would he charge?

So, after consulting with my brother, I bought a cheap gas mower. It is taking two men over two hours to put the wheels on. I would never be able to do this by myself. Even with the tools in my girlie bucket, I simply do not have the strength to hold the nut in one hand and tighten the bolt with the other while juggling the mower on my knees.

Most men I encounter have been willing, ready, and able to help out this single woman. Just this weekend an old beau called to say hello and catch up with the news. When he heard about my electric mower he offered to come over to check on it (he is an electrician) or, if he couldn't resolve the problem, take the mower to a home for juvenile delinquents where the electrical teacher would work on it for the cost of the parts.

Another problem resolved, thanks to a helpful male. Things have a way of working themselves out, haven't they? It's time I pay the favor forward.

Making your own luck

Making your own luck: What does this phrase mean? I'm no expert, but I have noticed an interesting pattern among my friends and acquaintances over the years. People who view themselves as victims, who create drama, and who expect the worst, seem to have no luck.

People who are in charge of their lives, who have a plan B, whose world does not whirl out of kilter because of a setback, and who are open to many possibilities, seem to create their own luck.

It's all a matter of attitude, isn't it? Either you view life as a challenge to be tackled head on, or you allow yourself to be controlled by others.

During my divorce, I could have chosen to view myself as a victim. Hey, plenty of other things have gone wrong in my life, but most people who meet me wouldn't get that impression. They see a lively, humorous, go-getter, and someone who loves to solve problems. They think my life has been a piece of cake, and compared to some others (the Lost Boys of the Sudan, for example) it has. But I have experienced many sad losses, some of them quite major and life altering. Haven't we all?

When Bob left, I could have crawled into a hole and just died, that's how awful I felt, but I knew that the only way to survive divorce was to just keep on plowing through and make the best of each day. Of course I had set backs. I am not super woman. But I also felt an unfamiliar surge of power as I faced my husband squarely, not backing down on some areas of extreme importance to me.

My advice to you? Stop allowing your ex or your ex-to-be to play with your emotions. Take charge of your life and review all the options you have. Even if they are slim, you are in control of your attitude towards the situation. Don't react to unreasonable behavior. Just turn around and walk away.

If you have children it is even more important that you take the high road. As a child of divorce, believe me when I say, they will thank you for your good judgment (and their good luck) some day.

Creating Your Own Supportive Environment

This article in the blog, Creating Passionate Users, articulates what I've suspected for a long time: Angry Negative People Can Be Bad for Your Brain

The summer before my marriage fell apart, my ex and I were eating breakfast at an outdoor restaurant. At the table next to us were three people: two women and a man. One of the women spoke in a loud voice. We couldn't help but over hear her. She spoke at length about her rotten ex husband, the state of her divorce, the negative experiences with lawyers, custody battles, self esteem issues, and other matters strangers had no business hearing. She was so angry, she didn't care. Her two companions listened in silence, nodding, and eating their breakfasts. They looked sad and trapped.

After we paid for our meal, I commented to my ex, "She's been divorced for two years, but she's still living it like it happened today." Her anger was so palpable, it had put a pall over several breakfasts in that room.

In another incident, a former coworker would talk to me during breaks about her divorce and her cad husband and his remarriage. I listened sympathetically, asking a few leading questions and feeling so sorry for her. Her pain was real, and she would often burst into tears. After a few conversations, I ventured to ask, "When did you divorce?" She answered, "Twelve years ago."

I was stunned. Needless to say, I stopped enabling her. But the experience made me wonder: Why do people insist on clinging to such enormous pain, hurt, and anger for so long? Don't they realize that these dark emotions, if pursued for too long, drive others away? And that clinging to your anger affects your health and overall outlook on life?

I swore after these two incidences that I would strive hard to put my anger at anything - including my ex - aside. Has it been easy to follow my own dictum? It's been extremely hard at times, but I strive as well as I can to stay out of harm's way. I do not surround myself with perpetual victims and angry folks, and in my leisure time, I actively seek out laughter and fun.

I work hard at creating my own supportive environment of positive people, maintaining a positive outlook, and pursuing healthy outlets and activities outside of work. Am I always successful at it? Of course not. It's a process and I'm learning as I go. I do adhere to a set of standards. Let me explain.

There's a wonderful blog out in the blogosphere about divorce, but I don't have it listed in my blog roll. Despite all the good advice, humor, and interesting thoughts, the author keeps referring to her ex as an "idiot." Yet he is the father of her children! As a child of divorce, this casual use of the term doesn't sit well with me.

Suppose her children read her blog? Would they then think of themselves as the kids of an idiot? What an awful thought. Or perhaps she doesn't care that her children know. That would be even sadder. Divorce is tough enough on kids without their parents engaging in self-defeating name calling. And what is the point other than to dehumanize the other person? The problem is that after a while such tactics start to boomerang on oneself, reflecting on one's own immature outlook, not the ex partner's. Meanwhile, the children are caught in the middle.

This person, in my opinion, has crossed the line. Why not keep her opinions to herself? It would have taken almost as much energy for her to work on forgiving her ex for whatever transgressions he's guilty of and create a loving supportive environment for her kids, that would also include their father, as to maintain an active, ongoing blog. (As blog authors, we know how much time, effort, and creativity our blogs take.)

So I choose not to visit her blog or link to it. Reading it would make me too angry. I'll just keep plugging away, minding my own business, and actively working on being content and at ease with my unexpected single life.

Divorce is Ugly Even Though You Try to Make it Civil

I’m no martyr and there were times when I wasn’t proud at how I lashed out at my husband in anger and hurt. I believe, though, that throughout my ordeal I behaved with as much dignity, class, strength, and courage as I could muster, given the situation. My husband left our marriage, it seemed, not because I had done anything wrong, but because he was looking for something "more."

If you met me, you would think me far from being a boring person. Neither was he. We traveled extensively. We had hobbies (he biked on weekends, I wrote and painted.) We had a large coterie of friends and threw frequent parties. We were demonstrably affectionate and loving to each other-laughing, talking about anything and everything, holding hands in private and public, and arguing with passion. We considered each other our best friend.

Interestingly, our friends admired our marriage, wishing they could be as close and open with each other as we were. But they’re still married. Go figure.

When Bob decided to leave I fought to keep him. I fought hard and bared my soul in therapy, but nothing I did or said or promised worked. It takes two to tango, but it takes only one to leave the dance floor and break the team up.

One lawyer I consulted told me from his vast experience that spouses left the relationship in two ways:

1. They did something to blow things up and create chaos, like cheat on their spouse and make sure they’re found out. These break-ups are usually acrimonious and full of anger, vitriol, and hate. This happened to another friend of mine: He walked in on his wife and her lover.


2. They leave gently, as in my case, promising to try to fix the marriage by seeing a therapist or by coming back after they've had "their space.". In my situation, my lawyer cautioned, I had a short window of time to capitalize on my husband's guilt. I should get as many promises in writing, as much monetary support, and the maximum amount of assets that I could before his guilt wore off.

I left the lawyer’s office feeling less hopeful than before. Bob had promised me a fair shake, but as time passed and as he began to listen to his girlfriend, his stance hardened. I realized I was no longer dealing with my husband alone. There was another person in the equation, but I only suspected it. Interestingly, left to our own devices we would have been civil, even loving. As soon as SHE entered the picture things changed. He became hard and even mean at times. In defense, I lashed out at him.

My lawyer was right: Strike while the iron is hot. Get promises in writing. Rely on your instincts. (I knew something was off, even though I didn’t have proof.) And take the high road. Your spouse may not notice your nobility, but your friends and family will. In the end their support, friendship and compliments propped me up and helped me to move on and begin my life anew.