Loss of Status After Divorce: Or the New Invisibles

Ladies in Lavender Image@Having a Solid Gold Life

A book club friend and I met recently and discussed her recent divorce. (She's my age and was married for 25 years to my 26.)

Sherry (not her name) mentioned that the transition went smoothly. She and her husband knew that they would be divorcing for a number of years, about 4 or 5, but they stayed together for the sake of the children, who were about to graduate from high school and enter college.

He made more than a comfortable living. In fact, their 2-story house was more 6,000 sq ft.and a bargain compared to their digs in New England.

He earned most of the money.

But she was a computer programmer, or coder, and could find a job whenever she needed one. Still, her salary was worth a quarter of his.

Flash forward...

He found a new love and a new life, and she moved out of the house after his insistence that they sell it for its equity. Most of their fabulous furniture would have to go (I bought a beautiful Sheraton sideboard).

He continued living a lavish lifestyle with his Tootsie. She moved into a 2-bedroom, 925 sq foot apartment - alone and happy as a clam.

My opinion of her rose when she entertained us in her much reduced circumstances, uncomplaining and making the most of her new life. She seemed to blossom, losing weight and laughing more than I had ever seen her laugh.

We met several weeks ago over dinner and drinks. After a long, honest conversation,  the one thing that Sherry regretted was her loss of social status. I agreed with her assessment. We were the new invisibles. No one, not our old couples friends or the men our age that we encountered, noticed us much any more.

Here we were, two women of a certain age cast upon the job market in our fifties, having to fend for ourselves, yet rising to the top of our respective professions. We had made it despite the odds! We were paying our bills, our mortgages, adding our own money to our pensions, and pursuing our passions as far as our jobs and personal preferences were concerned.

BUT...!!

We both agreed that one of the hardest changes we faced was our loss of social status as wives who had entertained a large cadre of married and professional friends.

We had become invisible to society at large - rarely invited to couples parties or weekends away at a lake house with a group, and no longer noticed by men our age. At best, for me, I was invited to womens' luncheon during the week when I worked, which meant that I had to leave the gathering early.We were regarded as non-entities when we did receive the rare invitation to social events with both men and women, finding ourselves seated with other single ladies.

As married hostesses we both had invited single women and single men to our homes to fill in the odd chair at the dining table or attend our barbecues and picnics and mingle, mingle, MINGLE! I took it as a point of pride to make no distinction between couples or singles when I made up my guest lists. After my divorce, I discovered that my married friends were not equally inclined. As one coolly honest "friend" said to me, "It isn't personal, really, but you are a reminder of how fragile marriages can be. Besides, you've made new friends, haven't you?" Color her clueless.

During our most recent outing on a Friday night after work, Sherry and I again commiserated on our loss of social status and largely female lives, but since we were enjoying ourselves and each others' company, we exclaimed, "What the hell!" We clinked our glasses and confirmed our love for each others' company and independent lives, determined not  to dwell too much on the loss of our old couples' friends and our once active social lives.

When I hear music wafting into my yard from a young neighbor's couples party, I still feel an occasional twinge. But not as often as I used to.

More on the topic:

• Click here to read this Daily Mail article about why women are invisible over 45.
• The Hard Truth About Getting Old
• Age Has Nothing to do With Love!

Take sound advice from friends ...

... and leave the word "but" out of your vocabulary.

It's unfortunate that during one of the most stressful periods of your life you are forced to make life altering decisions. Unless you prepared for this event coolly and dispassionately ahead of time, you will find yourself forced to make one bewildering decision after another. Yet, if you are anything like I was, you are hard pressed to think straight, much less make sound and thoughtful choices.

Enter your family and friends. As I have discussed in previous posts, do not indiscriminately share all your feelings with everyone. Choose your listeners wisely. Click here on what I have written about this topic.

Once you have solicited your friends for advice, LISTEN. Do not interrupt. Do not use the word, "but." And here is why:

1. The friends you have chosen have your best interest at heart.
2. They are talking logically.
3. They are offering you a different perspective.
4. Closing off other options will leave you with fewer choices.
5. Brainstorming even the silliest ideas will sometimes take you to a different, better path.
6. Sometimes it takes weeks for their advice to sink in or for you to understand it.

If, on the other hand, you immediately say "but", this is what happens

1. You are closing your mind off and aren't actively listening.
2. Your friends will feel devalued.
3. After hearing "but" too many times, their sound advice will dry off.

This is what happened to me last year: An old friend turned to me for advice, which I gave her. The situation was dire. Her significant other, whom she had kicked out of her house the year before, had come back and moved in with her again. He had shown symptoms of violence before, and she was afraid to kick him out again. I solicited the advice of a mutual friend, a lawyer, found her a "safe" house to live in (my parents), and, along with the lawyer, created a time line of how to get rid of the bum, including notifying the police, changing the locks in her house, and moving into the safe house for the duration. I spent hours talking to her, assuring her we would back her up and help her when the time came.

Guess what happened. "But, but, but, but ..." She is still living with him. Worse, when she began to talk the same talk in April, I remained quiet. What was the point? I knew that for whatever reason she decided to stay with him, all she needed from me this time was the ability to vent. Why waste my breath again? To be fair to her, she has told me over and over that just knowing I care had lifted a burden from her heart.

So, as you solicit your friends for ideas, use your active listening skills and listen closely,asking questions only to clarify. Thank your friends for their advice, then tell them the truth: That you will take what they said to heart and mull their ideas over. Then, after the dust has settled, invite them over for dinner and let them know what a difference they've made in your life. When you need them again, believe me, they'll be there.

Take baby steps

I was one of the lucky ones. After the divorce, I wound up with the house, acquired a good job, and kept my life largely intact. Even so, those first two years after Bob left were horrendous.

Two years. My mind knew it would take that long to regain my balance, perhaps longer; my heart wished it all away.

During the period of greatest stress I tried not to make too many irrevocable decisions. Friends and family urged me to do all sorts of things. Sell the house and find a small condo, and move to another city, were two of the more constant refrains. I was so stressed that I experienced a phenomenon that I can only describe as a noise in my head. So many fears crowded in on me, that I couldn't think straight.

So if you can possibly stave off making major decisions during this time (besides those pertaining to your divorce and family) then try not to act on them. Hold off moving or purchasing major items. You don't need to pile on more stress or worries, or to wake up from your nightmare and feel buyer's remorse.

Stress of divorce harmful to middle aged women

A recent study shows that divorced middle-aged women are more prone to heart disease than those who remain married.

Dr. Zhenmei Zhang, co-author of the findings from a Health and Retirement Study, found that emotional distress and a decline in financial status were the main factors linking divorce to heart disease in women.

“We found that divorced women have the lowest household income and wealth, compared to married women, widows and women who remarry,” Hayward says. “Divorce clearly leads to a drop in financial resources. Add that to the emotional distress that can stem from a change in residence, loss of social support or the potential of single parenting, and divorced middle-aged women are facing incredible stress that puts them at a distinct disadvantage when it comes to their cardiovascular health.”

The researchers were surprised the negative consequences of divorce did not go away with time, showing that divorce’s effects on women’s cardiovascular health appear to linger long after the divorce.

To read more about this study, click on this link from the University of Texas, Austin.

Another study entitled "Divorce: Trends and Consequences - Divorcing In Middle And Late Life" indicated that certain kinds of support can alleviate the stress of divorce.

Personal well-being following divorce also depends on social support, with some types of support being more helpful than others. Having a confidant who provides emotional and social support has been linked to reduced depression following divorce, while receiving material support can have a negative psychological effect. In addition, specific sources of support may vary based on age and gender. Middle-aged and older adults who divorce may not consider their parents as useful sources of help, while offspring may be more significant sources of support for this age group. In Carol Wright and Joseph Maxwell's 1991 study of persons divorcing after an average of twenty-eight years of marriage, women were more likely than men to rank grown children as the most helpful source of support. They received more advice, services, and financial, social, and emotional support from offspring than did men. In contrast, friends and parents reportedly provided more support than offspring to men.

To read the full article, click here.

The moral of these studies, I suppose, is that while the stress of divorce can be harmful to one's health, a family's support can counteract many these bad consequences. I do not have children that I can turn to, but I do enjoy a large circle of friends, a close relationship with my brother, and the love and support of my parents.

A friend of mine forwarded this email to me this morning. In light of these two studies, truer words were never spoken:

...A lecturer, when explaining stress management to an audience, raised a glass of water and asked, "How heavy is this glass of water? Answers called out ranged from 8 oz. to 20 oz.

The lecturer replied, "The absolute weight doesn't matter. It depends on how long you try to hold it. "If I hold it for a minute, that's not a problem. If I hold it for an hour, I'll have an ache in my right arm. If I hold it for a day, you'll have to call an ambulance."

"In each case, it's the same weight, but the longer I hold it, the heavier it becomes."

He continued, "And that's the way it is with stress management. If we carry our burdens all the time, sooner or later, as the burden becomes increasingly heavy, we won't be able to carry on. "

"As with the glass of water, you have to put it down for a while and rest before holding it again. When we're refreshed, we can carry on with the burden. "

"So, before you return home tonight, put the burden of work/life down. Don't carry it home. You can pick it up tomorrow."

So what can you do to reduce the stress you are feeling during divorce? Find something to do that you truly enjoy. Call a close friend, hug a dog or baby, volunteer with a group that does something you find worthwhile (like rescuing pets), write a letter to an old friend, exercise, take a long bath, or watch a funny movie.

If you regularly seek relief from your pain for even five minutes, you will soon discover that the world will start to look just a little bit brighter than it did before.

Change is inevitable

Let’s face it. As soon as you and your spouse separate, life as you have known it is no more. Some of you will take on the sole responsibility of raising your children while going to work full time, and maintaining the house. I’m willing to bet that you tumble into bed exhausted. Not only are you taking on the role of two people, but you are climbing a steep learning curve. Since my husband was an accountant who had complete control of our investments, I had to learn to about budgeting, saving for retirement, investments, pretax withholdings, and the like.

The biggest surprise about being single is that you have to drive everywhere. I miss being a passenger or seeing the scenery as I drive through the countryside. If you are married and have single friends, offer to drive them somewhere. I’m willing to bet they’ll take you up on it so fast your head will spin.

I was also shocked to find which friends stayed loyal and which friends did not. Some of my girlfriends were faculty wives and their husbands are still Bob’s colleagues. I was determined to keep these girlfriends, so I decided to keep my thoughts about Bob and our divorce to myself. When we are at gatherings I find other things to talk about, and keep the conversation light and frothy. All in all I retained about 90% of these friends, and although I don’t see them as much as I used to because of my travel schedule, we still see each other about 4 or 5 times per year.

As you attempt to avoid pitfalls during the worst time of your separation, you might find some help in these suggestions. I learned them the hard way, and then some.

• Your friends are there for you, especially during the early crisis stages. But they lead busy lives too. As time wears on, expect them to drift away a little at first, and then a lot.
  


• Don’t put your friends in the middle and force them to choose sides. I had two friends who thought Bob was a fiend and a jerk and a dork, and they minced no words about how they felt. I spoke my true thoughts to them, and I kept to the high road with all the rest.
  


• Your friends want to help you but some don’t know what to do. Some others will feel very uncomfortable with the situation and seem to avoid you. Put them at ease and tell them you understand. If you need to see them, tell them. Better yet, ask them that you need their help. They’ll feel so relieved to be given something specific to do without having to engage in an uncomfortable dialogue.
  


• Don’t expect your relationships with your couple friends to remain the same. It will not. I am rarely invited to intimate couples parties or gatherings. It’s just a fact of life. You can choose to complain about this or move on. At first I railed and ranted when I found myself alone on weekends, then I found new friends to pal around with. This process took a few years. And no, it wasn’t easy to be dropped by my couples friends from regular gatherings. However, I understand this is normal. I still see these couples at major events, though, and meet up with the wives for lunch.
  


• Because of the above, expect to feel lonely on weekends at first. Saturday nights were the hardest for me. If you have kids, this may not be as much of a problem since you will be caught up in their activities. Nevertheless, be prepared. Find other things to do, and try not to compare your new social life to your old one.

Time to Move On

Eight months after my separation it felt as if time had stood still. I still cried daily, felt an enormous amount of stress, and had seen no benefit in seeing a therapist once a week. I was exhausted from working two jobs (I had quit my third one during the summer) and maintaining my house. It was all becoming too much for me.

At my mother's urging, I went to a divorce support group at a nearby church. Six of us attended, two new people and four veterans. As the hour progressed, I sat there thinking, "What am I doing here?" One woman was in such crisis that she was bawling, literally unable to hold herself together. Others had been divorced for years, yet were still rehashing the same old stuff.

When it was my turn, I told my little tale of woe. Then five of us tried to help the bawler, whose situation was uncannily similar to mine, except that she'd been married for about six years. Her husband had left the same month that Bob left, seemingly out of the blue. Frankly, she was young and able bodied, and as far as I could tell, had her whole life in front of her.

She refused to listen to us when we suggested she get therapy (she had yet to see a counselor.) All she could say to my suggestions was, "But, but, but, but...." At the end of this short session, two people approached me saying they hoped I would join the group. Join? No way! These people had demonstrated that no matter how painful my life felt at the time, I was actually doing ok.

I don't know what happened to the bawler. Sure, I felt sympathy for her as she was feeling real pain, but I had a hard enough time coping with my own situation. As for the other four women? Hopefully, they were able to help that young bawler, because I believe that's what support groups are all about. Perhaps this was all that poor young woman could afford.

As for me, I had turned a corner. I felt stronger, knowing that I was moving through the stages of disbelief, anger, and grief at the right pace. For the first time I realized that my therapy sessions were working. Not only was this a real eye opener, it lay the foundation for some tough, but helpful counseling sessions in the next few months.

Illustration from http://www.cartoonstock.com/directory/s/support_group.asp

Fighting Loneliness

When Bob left the house was so empty I could hardly bear it. I didn't have kids or pets, so my modest 50's Rancher felt as silent as a tomb. A friend of mine advised me to turn on the t.v. "Keep it on in several rooms. It will give you an illusion that someone's in the house."

That was sound advice. I turned on televisions and cd players, and had them playing all at once. The external noise, however, didn't drown out the noise in my head, which represented my terror of being abandoned and of the unknown. But those loud machines made my house feel less empty and I kept them on.

One month after Bob left I began to crave affection and the touch of another being. My other good friend said, "Get a pet."

"But I have allergies," I answered.

She dismissed my concern and replied, "There are allergy free pets." Then she accompanied me to the SPCA after convincing me that a pet would provide the companionship I needed.

"I'll just take a peek," I said. "What are my chances of finding a poodle?"

In the last room, in the last cage, I found him. A tiny terrier-poodle mix. He was snow white and his long tail wagged so furiously it hit the side of his small cage. He sat in front of the cage, and with his eyes, tails, and friendly smile he shone so brightly I couldn't help but notice him. His ecstatic smile and exuberant body language begged me to choose him. I think we both fell instantly in love. Then I read the note on his cage: Cassio, 8 years old. From his entry date I realized he had lived in that small cage for over two months!

Then something - a noise or person - triggered all the dogs in all those cages to raise their voices in howls, barks, and yips. But not this little tyke. He stole my heart with his silence and calm bearing. I had to have him! As the years passed, I like to think that we chose each other.

When he was released from his cage the first thing Cassio did was to pounce playfully on a ball. His spirit had not been broken! Two hours later we arrived home. I renamed him Barney, a moniker that fit him perfectly since he resembled a tiny lamb.

We spent 6 happy and challenging years together (Barney had abandonment issues: Don't we all?)

This tiny creature healed me and I healed him. I will always be grateful to my little pooch for providing me with solace and comfort when I needed it most. Soon I began to turn those t.v.s off. With Barney by my side, my strength and confidence returned.

Moral of the story? I don't know if there is one, except that I advise you to seek something that will replace the emptiness in your heart. For me it was Barney. For others it might be a cat or a hobby, or more involvement with your family, friends, or children.

My canine friend stayed loyal and loving to the end. We adored each other and were inseparable. I put him to sleep in April after he had a stroke. He was fourteen years old at the time. Darling, darling boy. Oh how I miss you!

Creating Your Own Supportive Environment

This article in the blog, Creating Passionate Users, articulates what I've suspected for a long time: Angry Negative People Can Be Bad for Your Brain

The summer before my marriage fell apart, my ex and I were eating breakfast at an outdoor restaurant. At the table next to us were three people: two women and a man. One of the women spoke in a loud voice. We couldn't help but over hear her. She spoke at length about her rotten ex husband, the state of her divorce, the negative experiences with lawyers, custody battles, self esteem issues, and other matters strangers had no business hearing. She was so angry, she didn't care. Her two companions listened in silence, nodding, and eating their breakfasts. They looked sad and trapped.

After we paid for our meal, I commented to my ex, "She's been divorced for two years, but she's still living it like it happened today." Her anger was so palpable, it had put a pall over several breakfasts in that room.

In another incident, a former coworker would talk to me during breaks about her divorce and her cad husband and his remarriage. I listened sympathetically, asking a few leading questions and feeling so sorry for her. Her pain was real, and she would often burst into tears. After a few conversations, I ventured to ask, "When did you divorce?" She answered, "Twelve years ago."

I was stunned. Needless to say, I stopped enabling her. But the experience made me wonder: Why do people insist on clinging to such enormous pain, hurt, and anger for so long? Don't they realize that these dark emotions, if pursued for too long, drive others away? And that clinging to your anger affects your health and overall outlook on life?

I swore after these two incidences that I would strive hard to put my anger at anything - including my ex - aside. Has it been easy to follow my own dictum? It's been extremely hard at times, but I strive as well as I can to stay out of harm's way. I do not surround myself with perpetual victims and angry folks, and in my leisure time, I actively seek out laughter and fun.

I work hard at creating my own supportive environment of positive people, maintaining a positive outlook, and pursuing healthy outlets and activities outside of work. Am I always successful at it? Of course not. It's a process and I'm learning as I go. I do adhere to a set of standards. Let me explain.

There's a wonderful blog out in the blogosphere about divorce, but I don't have it listed in my blog roll. Despite all the good advice, humor, and interesting thoughts, the author keeps referring to her ex as an "idiot." Yet he is the father of her children! As a child of divorce, this casual use of the term doesn't sit well with me.

Suppose her children read her blog? Would they then think of themselves as the kids of an idiot? What an awful thought. Or perhaps she doesn't care that her children know. That would be even sadder. Divorce is tough enough on kids without their parents engaging in self-defeating name calling. And what is the point other than to dehumanize the other person? The problem is that after a while such tactics start to boomerang on oneself, reflecting on one's own immature outlook, not the ex partner's. Meanwhile, the children are caught in the middle.

This person, in my opinion, has crossed the line. Why not keep her opinions to herself? It would have taken almost as much energy for her to work on forgiving her ex for whatever transgressions he's guilty of and create a loving supportive environment for her kids, that would also include their father, as to maintain an active, ongoing blog. (As blog authors, we know how much time, effort, and creativity our blogs take.)

So I choose not to visit her blog or link to it. Reading it would make me too angry. I'll just keep plugging away, minding my own business, and actively working on being content and at ease with my unexpected single life.

Plan B: Always have one

Know why I rebounded rather quickly from my divorce and with my humor intact? Plan B.

I've always had one. Life's given me a few hard knocks, so I've learned to never count on certainty and to always be prepared.

Yes, but I'm happily married, you are saying to yourself. I am only reading this blog to help a friend in need. If that is the case, you should have a plan B too. One of my friends just lost her husband to a sudden heart attack. She was caught flat-footed, without a will, without her health (she is going blind from diabetes), without knowing where all the important papers are, and, as a full-time housewife for 35 years, without the apparent skills to search for a well-paying job.

Plan B means:

Keeping yourself employable and upgrading your computer, sales, or office skills, even though you don't need to earn a salary.

Updating your resume periodically, just because.

Continuing with your education, even it it's just for fun. I don't mean college. Adult education classes, art classes, cooking instruction, writing seminars will help to keep your mind sharp. You will also meet a world of people outside of your smaller circle of friends and acquaintances.

Making sure your insurance payments are current.

Stashing emergency money aside in a separate savings account. I have saved enough money to be able to pay my living expenses for three months should I lose my job. I am not a rich person and I had to live frugally for 6 months in order to achieve this goal. But now I have peace of mind. I also never overdraw my checking account.

Acquired a home equity line of credit that you can tap into ... just in case.

Applied for a credit card in your own name.

Written down an emergency strategic plan ahead of time, outlining the steps you will take in case you lose your mate to death, or if one or both of you are disabled for any reason, or if you lose your health, or find yourself on the wrong end of a lawsuit.

Sound smart and simple to do? If so, then ask yourself question: Do I have a Plan B in place? If not, I suggest you might think about creating one today.

Facing your fears

Divorce is one of the highest stress-related events a person can go through. Only the death of a spouse or child rank higher. Having experienced extreme loss only a few times in my life, I didn’t know what to think of the physical pain that gripped my chest, my shortness of breath when I walked my dog, my inability to think clearly when someone talked too fast or too loud, and the metallic taste in my mouth.

I also suffered from what I can only describe as a noise in my head, which were my fears crowding in on me. Fear of being alone. Fear of not finding a job. Fear of the unknown. Fear of growing old without my husband. Fear of divorce. Fear of lawyers. Fear of being considered a failure.

There were so many worries crowding out all good and rational thinking, that simply fighting off my negative thoughts took all my energy. People were so full of advice, some good and some awful. The noise in my head (my fears) drowned out their words. I literally lived one minute at a time, waiting for the day to end so that I could find relief in sleep.

So, was my reaction normal? Having spoken to others in my situation, yes. That acute physical pain is real. The fears are normal. You just have to ride through this intense grieving period and concentrate only on the things you can control. Every time I took a positive step forward (like finding a job), the noise in my head lessened. We each react to stress differently. In my case, it took eight months before my head cleared again. It had taken that long to sort out my fears and confront them.

Surviving the Holidays

There's no way to get around it: Cheer and glad tidings surround you during the holidays, but chances are you don't feel very festive. In fact, you probably feel more alone than ever, especially if you find yourself at a party surrounded by couples. How can you possibly get through this period with your sanity intact and without getting even more depressed? I'm no expert, but these steps worked for me:

Do something totally different your first holiday alone. If you've never traveled at Christmas before, travel. Whatever you do, don't try to revive your old holiday traditions. You'll just be setting yourself up for heartache.

Do something for others. I immersed myself in charity work, filling stockings for salvation army children, knitting caps for chemo patients, and even looking into working at a soup kitchen. The extra benefit in doing such work is that you meet new people. You are also empowering yourself to get up and do something, and not passively waiting for things to happen to you.

If you get along with your family, spend the holidays with them. If you don't get along with your family, spend the holidays with a good friend. You need to be surrounded by people who care for you, won't pressure you or rag on you, and who are willing to listen when you need to talk.

Don't spend New Year's Eve in a large crowd with strangers or with a group of couples who have invited you as a tag along. There is no sadder feeling than to be alone among strangers when you are feeling so raw, or to be reminded in a group of couples that you are the lone single person. That first year find a cozier, more intimate situation. Or arrange to do something that you truly love to do, like skiing or hiking or watching old movies.

Control your weight and maintain an exercise regimen. Easier said than done, I know, but there's no headier feeling than feeling strong and fit. If you begin to eat all those Christmas sweets and goodies that people give you, you'll soon start to feel sluggish and even more depressed. This is the one area in your life where you can maintain some control. Just don't overdo it. Exercise moderation in all things, including alcohol.

Seek out an old friend at the start of the new year and begin an email relationship. I emailed a man I had met in New Zealand and wished him Happy New Year. We reestablished a connection (he was a friend of a friend), and we began to email each other daily. It was so nice to see his greeting in my inbox every morning. Our relationship went nowhere, but his male attentions stroked my ego during a fragile time in my life, and this boost acted like a tonic. This relationship had repercussions down the road, though. So be careful how you maintain your friendships with the opposite sex. (More on this subject later.)

If you are depressed to the point of inertia, click on this link. There are some excellent points of advice you can follow. Click here.

Survival Steps: Choose your friends wisely

Baby steps are so important when one is fighting for one's happiness. During the first few weeks after my husband and I separated, the world as I had known it had disappeared. In my new emotional state I felt I had no future - at least, it wasn't the one that I had planned or wanted.

So I took each day as it came, sticking to a strict regimen, forcing myself to maintain a schedule, exercising, eating what I could, talking to a few select friends whose judgment I respected, and seeking a job with benefits.

If I looked too far ahead all my anxieties would crowd out any good thoughts I managed to retain. I fought fear at every step. It took all my energy to survive the emotional pain I was going through. If the pain became unbearable, I would call a friend whose judgment I trusted. Two close friends made themselves available when I needed to babble. They simply listened, rarely making a judgment, and had the good sense to know that all I wanted was to connect with another human being. Nothing they said would have helped me in my raw state anyway. And they had the wisdom to understand this.

My advice to those who are seeking some guidance from this blog is to choose your friends wisely during this vulnerable time. You'll need someone else to think sensibly for you, someone who only has your best interests in mind, so don't choose a drama queen to lean on. And don't choose someone who just wants to one-up your situation, the kind that says "I know someone who had it way worse than you, or I know a woman who lost her house, and job, and children." Such talk doesn't help. In fact, it trivializes the pain you're going through and will make you feel worse.

If you allow yourself to feel the pain as you are experiencing it, to cry, and to lean on others (without too much self pity) your healing will begin so much sooner. During your darkest times, trust this hard won piece of knowledge I learned: You will survive and emerge a stronger, better person. Just give it time.