Turning the corner

I did not just turn fifty. With a start I realized that I am staring 60 in the face. Last January I celebrated my 58th birthday. My divorce happened almost 7 years ago! Thankfully, the pain of separation has receded. I still feel pangs, which come at unexpected times. But looking back, I see that I:

• embarked on a successful career
• found new friends
• discovered a sense of who I am and what I want to do when I grow up
• take pride in my accomplishments
• can go it alone

For those of you who are just now going through the agony of separation, hang in there. I truly thought my world had come to an end. I feared living in poverty. I feared growing old. I abhorred the thought of living alone. Over the years, all my preconceptions changed, some unwittingly, but most with conscious effort of understanding.

You may not ever be happy in the naive way that you once were. But as you reemerge from the ashes, your contentment will glow with the rich patina of experience, and you will find a deeper satisfaction than you've ever known before.

One quick step to independence is to become financially solvent:

• Click here for my post on the topic: Plan B: Always Have One
  

• And here for the MSN article, From Money to Emotions: Get Over Your Divorce

Divorce Self Health Tip #1: Write Your Feelings Down

It's 2 a.m. and you are all alone. Your mate has left, telling you your marriage is over, and you are beside yourself with grief.Your chest feels like it is bursting and you can't sleep because of the thousands of thoughts and fears crowding your head.

Get up and write down your feelings. Set them down on paper! (I found that putting pen to paper felt more tactile and personal than using a computer.)

Here are the thoughts I wrote during my most turbulent times. Few are full sentences. Most are hastily written words.

I feel...

betrayed
uncherished
taken for granted
abandoned
neglected
like a burden
restless
lonely
apathetic
sad
empty
unfulfilled
urgency
split
splintered
agony

I am surrounded by...

married couples
people with children
laughter
happy people

I am isolated from....

my husband
my creativity
my former social life

I yearn for ...

my mate
companionship
friendship
acceptance
feeling loved
being wanted
security

I have lost my rudder
I feel isolated
I am refusing invitations
I am reneging on promises

And then I wrote the qualities I liked about myself, such as:

I am a decent loving person
I am talented
I am smart
I am loyal
etc. etc.

I am not saying that writing your thoughts down will give you an instant magic cure and that you will start to sleep better. But over time your need to write every fear down will lessen. As you tackle some seemingly insurmountable problems, the very act of writing down what you plan to do, and what you did and why, will empower you.

The important thing about jotting down your thoughts is that you are creating a dialogue with yourself. The terrified and sad person inside of you begins to communicate with the sane, decent, talented and loving side of you. Try to end your midnight ramblings with positive thoughts. Always allow the good, thinking, sensing person inside of you to have the last say.

I used this technique a lot, and over time it began to work in my favor. I jotted down my fears every day. Then I wrote down the nice things I did for people to counteract all the horrible things I was hearing from Bob during therapy.

I also wrote down my immediate goals and long terms goals; what would make me happy (keeping the house, finding a job with benefits, finding a new mate, becoming financially solvent, etc.); and the steps it would take to achieve those goals. The act of writing down my fears, and then tackling difficult problems by breaking them down into achievable goals turned my negative, self-defeating thoughts into positive action. Plus my daily affirmations gave me strength.

Six and a half years after my divorce I still encounter some of those sheets of paper filled with my grief-stricken thoughts, fears, and tentative plans, and I am amazed how far along I've come.

Stress of divorce harmful to middle aged women

A recent study shows that divorced middle-aged women are more prone to heart disease than those who remain married.

Dr. Zhenmei Zhang, co-author of the findings from a Health and Retirement Study, found that emotional distress and a decline in financial status were the main factors linking divorce to heart disease in women.

“We found that divorced women have the lowest household income and wealth, compared to married women, widows and women who remarry,” Hayward says. “Divorce clearly leads to a drop in financial resources. Add that to the emotional distress that can stem from a change in residence, loss of social support or the potential of single parenting, and divorced middle-aged women are facing incredible stress that puts them at a distinct disadvantage when it comes to their cardiovascular health.”

The researchers were surprised the negative consequences of divorce did not go away with time, showing that divorce’s effects on women’s cardiovascular health appear to linger long after the divorce.

To read more about this study, click on this link from the University of Texas, Austin.

Another study entitled "Divorce: Trends and Consequences - Divorcing In Middle And Late Life" indicated that certain kinds of support can alleviate the stress of divorce.

Personal well-being following divorce also depends on social support, with some types of support being more helpful than others. Having a confidant who provides emotional and social support has been linked to reduced depression following divorce, while receiving material support can have a negative psychological effect. In addition, specific sources of support may vary based on age and gender. Middle-aged and older adults who divorce may not consider their parents as useful sources of help, while offspring may be more significant sources of support for this age group. In Carol Wright and Joseph Maxwell's 1991 study of persons divorcing after an average of twenty-eight years of marriage, women were more likely than men to rank grown children as the most helpful source of support. They received more advice, services, and financial, social, and emotional support from offspring than did men. In contrast, friends and parents reportedly provided more support than offspring to men.

To read the full article, click here.

The moral of these studies, I suppose, is that while the stress of divorce can be harmful to one's health, a family's support can counteract many these bad consequences. I do not have children that I can turn to, but I do enjoy a large circle of friends, a close relationship with my brother, and the love and support of my parents.

A friend of mine forwarded this email to me this morning. In light of these two studies, truer words were never spoken:

...A lecturer, when explaining stress management to an audience, raised a glass of water and asked, "How heavy is this glass of water? Answers called out ranged from 8 oz. to 20 oz.

The lecturer replied, "The absolute weight doesn't matter. It depends on how long you try to hold it. "If I hold it for a minute, that's not a problem. If I hold it for an hour, I'll have an ache in my right arm. If I hold it for a day, you'll have to call an ambulance."

"In each case, it's the same weight, but the longer I hold it, the heavier it becomes."

He continued, "And that's the way it is with stress management. If we carry our burdens all the time, sooner or later, as the burden becomes increasingly heavy, we won't be able to carry on. "

"As with the glass of water, you have to put it down for a while and rest before holding it again. When we're refreshed, we can carry on with the burden. "

"So, before you return home tonight, put the burden of work/life down. Don't carry it home. You can pick it up tomorrow."

So what can you do to reduce the stress you are feeling during divorce? Find something to do that you truly enjoy. Call a close friend, hug a dog or baby, volunteer with a group that does something you find worthwhile (like rescuing pets), write a letter to an old friend, exercise, take a long bath, or watch a funny movie.

If you regularly seek relief from your pain for even five minutes, you will soon discover that the world will start to look just a little bit brighter than it did before.