Post Divorce Romance Cynic

Before my divorce I read romance novels. I even wrote a few and had signed a contract with a New York agent. She peddled my manuscript to editors who said sweetly that for a first effort the novel was fine, but that I should keep trying. As I completed proofreading my second book my husband left. He said he didn't want me to blame him for not finishing the edits, so he thought he'd wait and drop the D-bomb after I was done.

Wasn't that sweet of him?

That was the end of my budding career as a romance novelist. Back in those days I read a ton of romance novels, and I still have about 200-300 to dispose of. A girlfriend of mine is reading them as fast as she can, and each time she finishes a batch, I dump another couple of grocery bags filled with bodice rippers and chick lit at her doorstep.

I cannot stomach reading them any more. In fact, when I attended a wedding shortly after my divorce, it took all my willpower not to snort out loud and say, "Huh! How long will this marriage last?"
Why have I become so cynical? Because even though I believed in love ever after and in romance; even though my husband plied me with gifts and frequent romantic surprises; and even though we would walk in public holding hands, and sit on the couch in our den and smooch, and talk and laugh every time we went out to dinner, rarely getting bored of each others' thoughts, ideas, and conversation, my so called prince left.

As he dragged half of the furniture out of our house, he told me he would miss our conversations and cozy trips together, "But not much else, Vic."

That's when I turned from a hopeless romantic into a world class cynic. I did not smooch with my new beau. I didn't attempt to hold hands with hot date #3. And I no longer give surprise gifts or believe in any of the trappings of romance. I'm ready for a grown up relationship now - one of mutual respect, deep and loyal love, and promises that will be kept. I know I possess those qualities in spades, but the question is: "Will I ever trust a man enough to find out if he does?"

See more Ann Telnaes cartoons here.

Well, the situation could have been worse. We could have been living in the limbo of non divorce, and then I would have had to put up with his non interest.
Click here for the story.

Dreams lead the way to recovery

During my divorce I dreamt of my ex all the time. He would scold me, love me, laugh with me, and vacation with me as my subconsious sorted out my emotions and reflected my current situation. Often my dreams allowed me to flee my sadness, but at other times I would wake up sweaty and exhausted from working through my anger and past mistakes.

During the worst period of my divorce I sought refuge in sleep and often slept 8 - 10 hours straight. I dream in colors, and these dreams were vivid and memorable. Their images were often bleak and stark. As I slept, my "work" was at its most intense and I could feel my brain working.

According to Dare to Dream-What Your Dreams Really Mean, the intensity of your dreams reflect your emotional health.

"In a new study of 30 recently divorced adults, Cartwright tracked their dreams over a five-month period, measuring their feelings toward their ex-spouses. She discovered that those who were angriest at the spouse while dreaming had the best chance of successfully coping with divorce. "If their dreams were bland," Cartwright says, "they hadn't started to work through their emotions and deal with the divorce." For therapists, this finding will help determine whether divorced men or women need counseling or have already dreamed their troubles away."

During this period, my dreams exploded with bold colors and symbols. Sometimes I would wake up convinced that my experiences had been real.

With time, my dreams about Bob and our situation lessened. Recently I went on a trip abroad near a region in the far east that Bob and I had visited regularly. Just two nights ago he appeared in my dreams for the first time in over a year, married to his current wife, and totally disinterested in me. I awoke feeling slightly on edge, as if we'd had an argument.

As I shrugged off the dream, which was full of imagery of my rejuvenation, I realized that I'd moved on. I've made new memories and am experiencing a life that is rich and fulfilling without him. Where once he took center stage, he plays a vague and distant part in my dreams. In fact, I used to sleep badly, but these days I sleep well, dreaming healing dreams and waking up refreshed and eager to start a new day.