Tips on Dating as a Senior

Tips on Dating as a Senior is an article written by guest writer, Allison Gamble:

Divorced seniors often find themselves overwhelmed when they attempt to reintegrate themselves into the dating world. It doesn’t take a psychology degree to know that dating can be challenging in and of itself, but if you are older and newly single, it may seem as though there are numerous obstacles to overcome. Some seniors may become so frustrated at the dating process that they may give up or avoid dating altogether. An open mind and the adherence to a few simple guidelines can help mean the difference between dating frustration and success.

As the saying goes, a first impression is always a lasting impression. Your initial chitchat can mean the difference between a second date or an early departure.

First date dialogue that contains hours of criticism or reminiscence about relationships past is an indicator that you are not ready to move on to a different relationship. It is important to give anyone that you are dating a fair chance for a trusting relationship. If you find yourself unable to trust anyone, you may want to do some evaluation and try to understand why. If you are unable to make adjustments to allow yourself to love and trust again, consider seeking professional help. A therapist can help you get over the hurt and pain from your prior relationship, make you stronger and enable you to start anew.

If you are newly divorced, avoid jumping into a serious relationship too soon, or giving the impression of it during your first date conversation. It's easy to scare someone off by moving forward too quickly. Furthermore, a relationship on the rebound is almost never successful in the end, and you could ruin your chances of long-term success. Allow yourself adequate time to heal before jumping back into the dating pool in order to ensure that you are emotionally ready and available to begin a new relationship. Make sure that you have truly let your old relationship go, and that you are now ready and able to start anew. This will create the best chances for success and help ensure an enjoyable first date.

Maintain your expectations. It is not uncommon to envision perfection, particularly when reentering the dating world after a divorce or the death of your spouse. Always bear in mind that searching for perfection will leave you lonely and frustrated – nobody’s perfect. It might be helpful to create a small wish list of traits that are important to have in a mate, as well as those that are incompatible with your lifestyle. However, interrogating someone on the first date to see if they meet your criteria is a no-no. Allow the conversation to flow naturally, and take your time getting to know someone.

According to the Washington State Office of the Attorney General, online dating has become an extremely popular option for seniors, but can be risky . Online dating is a great way to meet a variety of new and interesting people; you can weed out suitors with whom you share common interests, who look interesting or attractive, and it’s a low-pressure way to dip your toes back into the dating world since you don’t have to worry about face-to-face rejection.

But the Internet also comes with its own share of pitfalls. Internet safety should be carefully observed during any online Internet interactions. Use caution prior to meeting someone that you have met on the Internet so that your safety is not compromised during your meeting. It can be too easy to reveal too much private information about yourself, which could compromise your safety. Disclose information slowly as you gain trust in the person you are chatting with, especially during an initial conversation.

If you have a special hobby or interest that you enjoy, you may want to consider joining some type of group or hobby club in order to give you the opportunity to find someone who shares common interests. Whether it's dancing, bingo or museums that tickle your fancy, associating yourself with the right group will increase the odds that you will find someone compatible. Finding someone who has similar interests can help create a foundation for first date bonding that can easily be expanded into something more. If you don't have any hobbies, consider trying something new to help occupy your time and give you the opportunity to meet new people. Often, just being able to leave the house and socialize can be one of the most challenging aspects of dating, no matter the age.

Try not to be afraid to venture out into the murky waters of dating. You already have the life experience that you need to know what makes you happy and what you enjoy. Use this wisdom to your advantage while playing the dating game and choosing a partner. Your life experience and knowledge make you rich, and will benefit you in the long run, so sit back, relax and enjoy the many pleasures that come with your new availability.

Allison Gamble has been a curious student of psychology since high school. She brings her understanding of the mind to work in the weird world of internet marketing. http://www.psychologydegree.net/

Fifty-something, Single, and Dating

Uggh. I hate the thought of going out with someone I barely know. Dating at sixty is as awful as dating at sixteen. One spends a couple of hours with a stranger, trying to be witty and amusing while conquering feelings of nervousness and wondering - "Is he as attracted to me as I am to him?" - or waiting for the date to end.

Then there's the decision to kiss him or not after that first date. Or, if you are wild for each other, when it would be appropriate to make love without looking easy or cheap. For those of us whose sex lives went from frequent or regular love-making sessions to none, this question carries some weight. At my age, I can count the number of times I've made love to a man in the past two and a half years on the fingers of one hand. Then again, I'm not as nimble as I used to be, if you get my drift. And neither is a man my age, unless he's kept up his fitness regimen. Even then, well, let's just say I am beginning to understand the charms of viagra.

My sweet niece called my one day, all excited. "Auntie Vic, she said, I think I've found you a man. He's funny, divorced, and a wonderful person. And he's 53 years old."

"Whoa," I answered, "Does he know I just turned 60?"

From experience, I know of few men who are looking for women who are older than themselves. True, most people are shocked to learn I am sixty. I look younger and behave and think like a 30-year-old, so that even my relatives are fooled into thinking that this tough old broad still has some juice in her. But I am becoming more keenly aware of my age with each year. I move more slowly, feel arthritis beginning to cripple my fingers, and can't multi-task with the efficiency I was once known for.

Which brings me to the business of looking for someone to date. I simply don't have the time, inclination, or energy these days to go shopping for a man. According to AARP magazine, "Of the 97 million Americans who are 45 or older, almost 40 percent—36.2 million—are on the loose." That's a significant number of people, but I suspect a large percent of them are women, so I would view this information with a jaundiced eye. At a social event last night in an art gallery, the number of mature women outnumbered the men by 3:1. Of the men that attended the event, almost all had arrived with a date or spouse. I didn't even bother to look for prospects but concentrated on enjoying the event with my two female friends. Ok, I'm willing to admit that most men would not be attracted to attending an evening of short story reading at an art gallery, but I've experienced the same phenomenon white water rafting or volunteering in a beer tent at a sports event. Most of the men I met at these venues were already taken.

Had someone told me six years ago that I would have been dateless in 2008 and so far in 2009, I would have called them crazy. After my divorce I was actively looking for a new relationship, but the truth was that the enormous amount of effort this took did not lead to satisfactory results. My last date was so excrutiatingly awful, with my partner talking about himself 90% of the time and evincing no interest in my hobbies or interests, that I literally counted the minutes before I could politely say goodbye. Now I prefer being by myself and calling my own shots. I look forward to a cozy evening with my loyal dog or going out with friends during the weekend. I am no longer ashamed of being single in a couple's world, and rather revel in the strange looks I get as I sit in a fancy restaurant alone, treating myself to a nice meal, and hugely enjoying my own company.

Last week I went to a place called Bark Farm and volunteered to walk rescued dogs and muck out their pens. I was surrounded by volunteers of all ages, each of them eager to help our unfortunate canine friends. Helping these abandoned creatures puts things in perspective. They are experiencing the same feelings of bewilderment and abandonment that I once felt. It breaks your heart to see these frightened and lonely pets, but you come away feeling you've done something to help alleviate their hurt. To me, such activities are more worthwhile and fulfilling than spending an evening with someone with whom I have very little in common. Sometimes I think it would be nice to find a new mate while I'm actively involved doing something I like, but I'll just chalk that up to wishful thinking.

• Read these fascinating insights about dating in Seeking Love.

• Sex and Dating After 50

• Wonder why I'm a bit cynical? Here's an AskMen.com article for you: Can 50 Year Old Divorced Guys Get Younger Women? (You might have to click on "skip this ad.")
  

Who Wants to Date a Woman Over 50? Not 50 Year Old Men, It Seems

Regular readers of this blog will note two changes in my personal profile.I removed my photo and I changed my online name to "Movin' On." There are two reasons for these changes.

While reading other blogs about divorce, I stumbled across a post written by a man in his fifties. He wrote about online dating, and about how surprisingly successful he'd been at meeting women. One pattern that revealed itself to him and that he found interesting was that some women "lied" about their ages, saying they were under 50 and using photographs taken when they were younger. The reason they "lied", I surmised, was because he (a man in his mid-fifties) was looking to date women younger than 50. The older women had 'fooled' him into going out with them.

His statement made me pause. Was I lying to my readers by using a photograph that a friend had taken during the throes of my divorce? The photo on my sidebar, I realized, was seven years old. I had to ask myself: Do I still look like that woman? Recent photos say I don't. My hair is grayer, and I have to dye it to keep it blonde. It isn't as shiny any more, and I am starting to develop slight, but visible bags under my eyes. In addition, I have gained weight, and the sweet doggie in the photo died about two years ago.

I didn't mean to "lie" to my readers. I simply chose that photo because it defined who I was when I was going through the trauma of divorce. I looked healthy and happy on the outside, yet inside I was bleeding.

Second, I changed my name to "Vic's Moving On." "Vic's Still Standing" seemed too static for the person I have become. Tonight my family commented again on how much the divorce has changed me. They have noticed my independence and eagerness to experience as much of life as I can while I can. This year I am taking classes in leadership, embarking on challenging projects at work, volunteering with a nonprofit organization, and joining a professional woman's organization to meet new people and network. All of these activities are new.

That man I mentioned earlier, is looking for someone much younger than me, even though is he only two years younger than I am. I surmise he wants the package to look a certain way on the outside. But what about the inside? Do 12, 24, or 36 calendar months really matter all that much in the great big scheme of things? I can empathize with a woman who is 51 or 52 years old and who wants to meet a man. What is she supposed to do when she joins an online dating service and sees that most of the men in her age range aren't interested in meeting a woman her age?

Those age cut-offs are one main reason that I don't bother to join an online dating service. Frankly, I'm looking for a man who wants to spend time with a mature, funny, dynamic, smart and talented woman, and who doesn't restrict himself from meeting a woman who happens to be a tad older than him. At this stage, I am willing to go out with men in their 40's, 50,s, 60's, and early 70's. Having said that, I will scour my photos to find a new one for my profile, one that shows me at my best as I look now.

Who knows, perhaps some nice 30 something hunk will chance to see it and be so entranced that he'll move heaven and earth to meet me.

Like, yeah.

Additional note: The blog post, Women Over 50 Dating by Susan Dunn, a clinical psychologist, assures women over 50 that there are plenty of men their age (or younger) who are searching for someone just like them. Middle aged men might try dating a younger woman once or twice, but the mature man will quickly start to look for someone closer to his age if he wants a lasting relationship. Click here to read it.

(Photo of a vibrant single woman over 50, Marianne Faithful, Mick Jagger's and Eric Clapton's former girlfriend, chanteuse, and actress.)