I've reached a point in my life where all I want is some distance from emotional turmoil and financial want, but as a single, divorced, and childless person who has entered her 60s I am confronted with so many new issues, that at times I am almost paralyzed with fear and indecision.
In my 20's I used to sing the Beatles' "When I'm 64" to my young husband:
"Will you still need me?
Will you still feed me?
When I'm 64?"
Need me, feed me, indeed. Those words have come to haunt me this past decade, for it is clear that I have become my own nurturer and will be my sole source of support as I enter my golden years. My savings have been eroded by our nation's terrible economic downturn, and the nest egg I had saved has been reduced substantially.
I had a serious discussion recently with my geriatric parents about my fears for the future. They are still married and living in an addition built onto my brothers' house. My brother, bless his generous heart, looks after them daily. He is still married, surrounded in the same city by his three children, their spouses, and their families. His plans for his old age are solid and he is certain that he will bask in the support of his children and their offspring. My parents bask in my brothers' support and mine.
But what about me?
As I reminded my parents, I am childless and live in a distant city. Oh, I am not complaining, for it is the reality of my life and a consequence of the decisions I made. While I am loved by my nieces and nephew, they would probably not put themselves out for their auntie as much as for their parents. That's just the way it is.
When it comes time for me to retire, sell my house, and move into assisted living, I will largely be alone. Most of my single friends will also be facing the same situation. The prospect of losing control of my life as I age fills me with dread and a great deal of uncertainty.
Many of us who have been through divorce in our mature years are faced with a future that we had not planned on. I was optimistic in my youth, thinking that I would travel extensively with my husband in our retirement and reap the benefits of our hard work. Instead, I was forced to embark on a serious career in my 50s. While my ex has retired with his new wife, I am still working 9-5.
While I am able to compete intellectually with my young co-workers, it has been at great physical and emotional expense. It takes me all weekend to recover from my high-stress job. I no longer party on Friday and Saturday nights, but choose to nurture myself on Saturday and Sundays, taking frequent naps and resting.
There are times when I simply can't envision my future. The thought of being alone in my 70's without sufficient retirement funds is too much contemplate.
Have you landed on this blog because you are looking for ways to help a friend or relative who is going through a divorce? Here's what helped me:
100% acceptance - give your friend a safe non-judgmental environment to vent. But don't participate in the blame game. That only makes things worse.
Be someone who understands that your friend's pain is real - do not bring up individuals who have had it worse, like widows or burn victims, or say "at least you have your children", or "thank goodness you don't have children," or "you have your looks and health, you will find someone soon again." Those phrases diminish the real pain that your friend is experiencing at that moment.
Promise secrecy - what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas. Private matters that have been disclosed to you should not be shared with others, not even your spouse.
Provide your friend with a shoulder to cry on - let them talk; sometimes that is all they need, but place a time limit on their pity pot talk. Change the subject if your friend starts to rehash familiar territory. They need to grieve first and then let their anger out, but it is not good for them to mull over the same set of offenses over and over again.
Give them hugs - remember that someone going through divorce has lost physical contact with their life's mate, and that hugs are better than medicine.
Provide your friend with your logic and ability to think straight - depression affects the brain. Remember, your friend is filled with anxiety and there are times when he or she can't plan strategically at all. Refer your friend to experts and self-help groups, or help them sort through the myriad of bewildering topics they will need to address - lawyers, realtors, job searches.
Include your friend in fun outings and invite them to parties and events - even if they don't feel like going. This especially holds true for women, who are often dumped from the party circuit for reasons that are mystifying.
Keep in touch with regular calls, text messages, and via Facebook, Twitter, and cards - your friend may not respond, but these evidences of caring help. They'll come round and respond eventually.
Be an honest friend - this takes diplomacy, but if you see self-destructive behavior, have the courage to step in and stop it.
Give them a way to pay you back - your friend will feel such a sense of gratitude for your support that they will want to thank you in a significant way. Let them, or ask them to pay it forward.
Drive them or their children - many separated people are unable to share the load of driving, which becomes evident as time passes. Offer to drive when you go on a shared outing, or to take their children to their events. It's the little details that count and provide relief.
Do you have other tips on how to help a friend going through divorce or separation? Please leave a comment!
During and after a divorce, the less said about one's former spouse the better. I am sure that at this point Brad Pitt would agree with me and wished that he had taken the high road when it came to commenting on his relationship with his ex.
Ever since my divorce I've acquired two new habits that I can't seem to shake: I can no longer watch Divorce Court, yet at the same time I am eerily attracted to articles about divorced couples, especially celebrities. Tom Cruise left Nicole Kidman around the time that my husband deserted our marriage, and thus I probably know as many details about their split as were printed in the press. Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston separated at the same time that my post-divorce relationship broke up. My guy left me for someone else, and thus I felt great empathy for Aniston.
Since their divorce neither Cruise, Kidman, nor Aniston have had much to say about their defunct marriages and rightly so. What went on in their private lives is really none of our business. Somehow Pitt and Jolie have felt no such restraint, prompting Aniston to say at one point that a sensitivity chip was missing.
In July 2005, before his divorce to Aniston was finalized the following October, Pitt was photographed with Jolie for a glossy magazine spread for W magazine as an ideal couple in Domestic Bliss. (See image.) They were seen spartling on a South African beach with her adopted children even as they denied having an affair. A few years later, Jolie was quoted as saying that she felt great joy knowing that her children would someday learn that their parents fell in love while filming Mr. and Mrs. Smith (debunking her own denial about breaking up Pitt's and Aniston's marriage).
Recently Pitt made public statements about how boring his life was during his marriage to Aniston, and how he's found fulfillment with Jolie. Aniston has wisely not responded, but the public outcry on her behalf forced Pitt to backtrack and explain that he considered himself boring at the time, not Aniston.
I find it fascinating that these two lovers, whose lives are presumably filled with children and new found happiness, still find it necessary to make comments about an event that occurred in their lives seven years ago. The lesson, if Pitt and Jolie are willing to learn it, is to simply keep their mouths shut and move on.
In my own life I have discovered that the less I say about my marriage or divorce, the more comfortable people are around me. If someone asks a question, I will answer it without revealing personal details that are no one's business but my ex's and my own. The moment I step over that boundary (and I have at times, I am human after all) I can sense a change in my listeners. They feel either uncomfortable or titillated, neither of which are good reactions.
It is hard for friends to remain neutral and give good advice if they are told all the sordid details of a broken relationship. Usually such information is one-sided and slanted towards making the teller seem sympathetic. The listener can commiserate only so long before beating a hasty retreat, for even the best of friends becomes tired of hearing the same rehashed story over and over. Most of us know that the truth lies somewhere in-between, and while we want to help our friends through rough times, this can only be accomplished by respecting the boundaries of love and friendship.
That Pitt was willing to step over those boundaries and reveal such highly personal information to strangers for the sake of publicity was absolutely wrong.
Tips on Dating as a Senior is an article written by guest writer, Allison Gamble:
Divorced seniors often find themselves overwhelmed when they attempt to reintegrate themselves into the dating world. It doesn’t take a psychology degree to know that dating can be challenging in and of itself, but if you are older and newly single, it may seem as though there are numerous obstacles to overcome. Some seniors may become so frustrated at the dating process that they may give up or avoid dating altogether. An open mind and the adherence to a few simple guidelines can help mean the difference between dating frustration and success.
As the saying goes, a first impression is always a lasting impression. Your initial chitchat can mean the difference between a second date or an early departure.
First date dialogue that contains hours of criticism or reminiscence about relationships past is an indicator that you are not ready to move on to a different relationship. It is important to give anyone that you are dating a fair chance for a trusting relationship. If you find yourself unable to trust anyone, you may want to do some evaluation and try to understand why. If you are unable to make adjustments to allow yourself to love and trust again, consider seeking professional help. A therapist can help you get over the hurt and pain from your prior relationship, make you stronger and enable you to start anew.
If you are newly divorced, avoid jumping into a serious relationship too soon, or giving the impression of it during your first date conversation. It's easy to scare someone off by moving forward too quickly. Furthermore, a relationship on the rebound is almost never successful in the end, and you could ruin your chances of long-term success. Allow yourself adequate time to heal before jumping back into the dating pool in order to ensure that you are emotionally ready and available to begin a new relationship. Make sure that you have truly let your old relationship go, and that you are now ready and able to start anew. This will create the best chances for success and help ensure an enjoyable first date.
Maintain your expectations. It is not uncommon to envision perfection, particularly when reentering the dating world after a divorce or the death of your spouse. Always bear in mind that searching for perfection will leave you lonely and frustrated – nobody’s perfect. It might be helpful to create a small wish list of traits that are important to have in a mate, as well as those that are incompatible with your lifestyle. However, interrogating someone on the first date to see if they meet your criteria is a no-no. Allow the conversation to flow naturally, and take your time getting to know someone.
According to the Washington State Office of the Attorney General, online dating has become an extremely popular option for seniors, but can be risky . Online dating is a great way to meet a variety of new and interesting people; you can weed out suitors with whom you share common interests, who look interesting or attractive, and it’s a low-pressure way to dip your toes back into the dating world since you don’t have to worry about face-to-face rejection.
But the Internet also comes with its own share of pitfalls. Internet safety should be carefully observed during any online Internet interactions. Use caution prior to meeting someone that you have met on the Internet so that your safety is not compromised during your meeting. It can be too easy to reveal too much private information about yourself, which could compromise your safety. Disclose information slowly as you gain trust in the person you are chatting with, especially during an initial conversation.
If you have a special hobby or interest that you enjoy, you may want to consider joining some type of group or hobby club in order to give you the opportunity to find someone who shares common interests. Whether it's dancing, bingo or museums that tickle your fancy, associating yourself with the right group will increase the odds that you will find someone compatible. Finding someone who has similar interests can help create a foundation for first date bonding that can easily be expanded into something more. If you don't have any hobbies, consider trying something new to help occupy your time and give you the opportunity to meet new people. Often, just being able to leave the house and socialize can be one of the most challenging aspects of dating, no matter the age.
Try not to be afraid to venture out into the murky waters of dating. You already have the life experience that you need to know what makes you happy and what you enjoy. Use this wisdom to your advantage while playing the dating game and choosing a partner. Your life experience and knowledge make you rich, and will benefit you in the long run, so sit back, relax and enjoy the many pleasures that come with your new availability.
Allison Gamble has been a curious student of psychology since high school. She brings her understanding of the mind to work in the weird world of internet marketing. http://www.psychologydegree.net/
Two blogs, two responses to the aftermath of divorce: one is entitled The Psycho Ex Wife, the other is named Divorced at Fifty. Guess which blogger has been able to largely move on? Me.
I learned about The Psycho Ex Wife, a blog begun in 2007 by Anthony Morelli (right) and his new partner, a woman named Misty Weaver Ostinato, only after it was shut down. The blog's tagline was: "The true account of a marriage, divorce, and subsequent (child) custody fight between a loving man, his terroristic ex-wife who we suspect suffers from Borderline Personality Disorder (at least from our armchair psychologist diagnosis), and the husband's new partner."
Unsurprisingly, a judge ordered the blog to be shut down for outright cruelty. Some of Morelli's descriptions of his ex-wife (right), the mother of his two children, include such choice terms as ‘Jabba the Hut’ and a 'black-out drunk'.
Morelli's blog, which also featured discussion groups, was so popular that it attracted 200,000 followers per month. One person who wasn't a fan was his former wife. Apparently Anthony's (and his partner's) continuing and ongoing anger centered around child custody issues. Both natural parents shared joint custody, which in a sensible and sane world seems to be a logical arrangement. But Anthony was not only unhappy, he needed a place to vent, and thus he started his blog. He tried to hide his identity and that of his ex-wife, but unfortunately his kids discovered what their father was doing and asked him to stop.
At the judgment, Judge Diane Gibbons said: "Your children are being hurt because you are bad mouthing the woman they love in public," she said. "Should I put them with the man who is publicly browbeating their mother?" (New York Daily News) Good question. The former Mrs. Morelli heaved a sigh of relief after the hearing, saying ‘What the judge said in court made perfect sense to me. Stop doing what you're doing, and do the right thing for your children’ (Daily Mail)
Anthony's response was to fight the decision on the basis of first amendment rights. Here is the link to the blog today, which has changed its focus to freedom of speech (He is soliciting donations for his court battle.)
I hate to say this, Anthony, but the issue really isn't about First Amendment Rights, it's about letting go of your anger and being a good parent. Asa blogger, I understand the need for self expression and that we have the constitutional right to do so. How you go about this is another thing. While Anthony's blog feeds his dissatisfaction and stokes his anger, my blog serves to heal me.
I began my blog a year before Anthony, and found to my delight and amazement that as I wrote about my feelings about divorce, loneliness, and separation, that I was able to let go of much of my sadness, anger, fear, and grief. Oh, there were times when I was tempted to write a truly nasty post about my ex, who I felt was playing games with me, but what would have been the point? How would such posts have helped me to let go and move on?
Anthony needs to answer this question: What's more important - his right to say what he wants when he wants to, or his role as a parent? If his need to express his anger is truly more important than his children's well-being and their desire that he stop hurting their mother in public, then the judge made a good point: why should she place the children with a man who is willing to browbeat their mother in public?
As for his claim that he was giving others with custody issues a forum for discussion, I say that he had a choice to take the high road, one that his children could have been proud of. The biggest gift my divorced mother gave me, a child who always hungered for her father, was not to say one negative thing about him as I was growing up. (As an adult I found out for myself what sort of a man he was, but my mother did nothing to influence those conclusions until I approached her at 19 and began to ask questions, for his behavior confused me. Thank you, Mom.)
Divorce is tough enough on kids without the parents making things worse and using them as pawns or as an excuse to keep their fight going. It seems that Anthony's post-divorce battle with his ex has lasted almost as long as the marriage itself. It's time that he concentrate his immense energies somewhere else - on his children, for instance, and making their happiness his number one priority.
A book club friend and I met recently and discussed her recent divorce. (She's my age and was married for 25 years to my 26.)
Sherry (not her name) mentioned that the transition went smoothly. She and her husband knew that they would be divorcing for a number of years, about 4 or 5, but they stayed together for the sake of the children, who were about to graduate from high school and enter college.
He made more than a comfortable living. In fact, their 2-story house was more 6,000 sq ft.and a bargain compared to their digs in New England.
He earned most of the money.
But she was a computer programmer, or coder, and could find a job whenever she needed one. Still, her salary was worth a quarter of his.
Flash forward...
He found a new love and a new life, and she moved out of the house after his insistence that they sell it for its equity. Most of their fabulous furniture would have to go (I bought a beautiful Sheraton sideboard).
He continued living a lavish lifestyle with his Tootsie. She moved into a 2-bedroom, 925 sq foot apartment - alone and happy as a clam.
My opinion of her rose when she entertained us in her much reduced circumstances, uncomplaining and making the most of her new life. She seemed to blossom, losing weight and laughing more than I had ever seen her laugh.
We met several weeks ago over dinner and drinks. After a long, honest conversation, the one thing that Sherry regretted was her loss of social status. I agreed with her assessment. We were the new invisibles. No one, not our old couples friends or the men our age that we encountered, noticed us much any more.
Here we were, two women of a certain age cast upon the job market in our fifties, having to fend for ourselves, yet rising to the top of our respective professions. We had made it despite the odds! We were paying our bills, our mortgages, adding our own money to our pensions, and pursuing our passions as far as our jobs and personal preferences were concerned.
BUT...!!
We both agreed that one of the hardest changes we faced was our loss of social status as wives who had entertained a large cadre of married and professional friends.
We had become invisible to society at large - rarely invited to couples parties or weekends away at a lake house with a group, and no longer noticed by men our age. At best, for me, I was invited to womens' luncheon during the week when I worked, which meant that I had to leave the gathering early.We were regarded as non-entities when we did receive the rare invitation to social events with both men and women, finding ourselves seated with other single ladies.
As married hostesses we both had invited single women and single men to our homes to fill in the odd chair at the dining table or attend our barbecues and picnics and mingle, mingle, MINGLE! I took it as a point of pride to make no distinction between couples or singles when I made up my guest lists. After my divorce, I discovered that my married friends were not equally inclined. As one coolly honest "friend" said to me, "It isn't personal, really, but you are a reminder of how fragile marriages can be. Besides, you've made new friends, haven't you?" Color her clueless.
During our most recent outing on a Friday night after work, Sherry and I again commiserated on our loss of social status and largely female lives, but since we were enjoying ourselves and each others' company, we exclaimed, "What the hell!" We clinked our glasses and confirmed our love for each others' company and independent lives, determined not to dwell too much on the loss of our old couples' friends and our once active social lives.
When I hear music wafting into my yard from a young neighbor's couples party, I still feel an occasional twinge. But not as often as I used to.
Ryan Reynolds is the successful young actor who was married to Scarlett Johannsen for two years before they divorced. While his face is well known, he keeps his private life quiet. So, it was with some surprise that he opened up as much as he did in this statement:
On not sharing details of his divorce: “I’ll say this: the media was not invited to my marriage, and they’re definitely not invited into the divorce. Anyone who gets divorced goes through a lot of pain, but you come out of it. I’m not out of it yet. At all. But I sense that as I do come through it, there’s optimism. How can there not be? I don’t think I want to get married again, but you always reevaluate these things. Any kind of crisis can be good. It wakes you up. I gotta say, I’m a different person than I was six months ago.” - Ryan Reynolds, Interview in Details
I was struck by how genuinely he expressed his emotions. Whereas he answered other questions flippantly, his comments about coming through and being optimistic could have been said by me. I too am on the fence about remarriage and, like Ryan, the divorce woke me up and turned me into a different person. Smart young man. I think he will land on his feet.
Living alone in a house meant for a family, one with four bedrooms, three baths, and a yard, is not easy for a single person. Unlearning years of habits, in which one's spouse played an integral part, is painful. One's automatic expectations kick in. At first, just after the separation, the continual shocks one feels are surprising and come at the most unexpected moments. Your automatic greeting, "Honey, I'm home," is met with silence. The garbage doesn't get picked up during the first week, since that was your spouse's job. Even the side of the bed you sleep in largely comes out of habit. (After two months, I moved to the side closest to the bathroom and bedroom door, which felt strange and somehow disloyal at first.)
After a while you develop new habits. This takes time.
I've found ways to cope with my single state and large house. I can't sell it for what it is worth, or find a more affordable place, so I am putting up with its size for economic reasons. James comes once a week to mow my yard for $20. That low price is as a result of my having planted ground cover over much of my front and back yards, leaving only a few patches of grass. I've rented out the downstairs walk out basement (with kitchenette, which I had installed and separate door entrance), to a young man, who can help carry heavy loads. I've converted my largest guest room into an office/entertainment room, where I spend most of my time. The formal areas remain largely unused and are ready at a minute's notice for guests.
But now I have broken my foot in two places. The doctor says the bones will take 3-4 months to heal, which means that I cannot walk my dog or clean my house as I would like to. My renter, Gary, has been marvelous, walking my pooch 3 times a day, but he is gone for the weekend. Yesterday, a neighbor kindly walked my dog at 2 PM, and a friend made dinner, cleaned my kitchen, and took out the garbage. Another one will come over at 12 PM to walk my pup, who is confused and restless, for he is accustomed to being walked four or five times per day.
I am fencing in a larger area of my yard, so that my little terrier can run to his heart's delight. Tomorrow I will make arrangements to work from home, for I must keep my foot elevated for at least a full week and try to stay off it for a month.
After my divorce, I thought learning to live alone again was challenging. I came at first to accept it and then to like it. Now, living such a long distance from my closest relatives, I realize how vulnerable we single, older people are. It becomes tiring always depending on others to fill the gap that a spouse once filled.
I went grocery shopping in an electric cart. (ME! Who was walking an hour a day!) And then there are the practical decisions. Who will vacuum, dust, and scrub the bathrooms? for I let my once-a-month cleaning lady go due to finances. Who will do the groceries? for yesterday's excursion caused my foot to swell. Who will be willing to take my dog out 3-4 times per day, every day, until my fence is up? I am cobbling together an army of volunteers and making lists, but 3-4 months is a long time to depend on the kindness of friends, neighbors, and one's very busy renter.
More and more I understand the attraction of marriage, and why so many people are tempted to remarry soon after their divorce. Learning to live with a partner's quirks seems a tad easier than the gargantuan tasks I face this summer. (Although, I know I am wrong. My foot will heal, but a marriage is supposed to last a lifetime.)
I'll take it one step at a time. (No pun intended.) Yesterday I got a handicap tag for my car, and I'll work on getting a doggie fence next. All I can say is about this new development is:"Aaargh!"
The first few years after my divorce I could not attend a wedding without crying and feeling cynical at the same time. There I was, in my early fifties, after the dissolution of a 26-year marriage and 32-year friendship, watching a young couple pledging "'Till death do us part." Hah! I would think. Wait until reality sets in.
People with worse marriages than mine were still married. At the time he left, my husband was looking for something new and different. His sister had just married her third husband, and his brother his third wife. I was married for life, but he was looking for ways to extend the excitement in our marriage. He wanted to re-experience the fresh, tender feelings that his siblings and their new spouses were exhibiting. At first he lost weight, bought a motorcycle, purchased a van for his bikes and drove it cross country, took a sabbatical in New Zealand, etc. But nothing would stop the progress of his aging, including his graying wife.And so he started to look at me with jaundiced eyes, until nothing I did was right.
With that experience in mind, I would watch a marriage ceremony with a cynicism that, had the young couple known of my doubts, they would never have invited me.
Time has a strange way of healing. The process is slow and uneven. Although this vestige of bitterness stayed with me for a long time, I knew I had changed when I became caught up in the Wills and Kate Royal Wedding hoopla. I won't be watching the ceremony live, for I will be working. But my cynicism has largely gone. I hope this young couple will find a lifetime of wedded bliss in their gilded fish bowl. Heaven only knows how, but QE2 and Prince Phillip managed to do so.
Post divorce-copalypse. That's been my experience this past year. It's been over ten years since my divorce and I thought I was coping. There were times a year and a half ago when I was feeling strong within my self and on top of my finances. Then the economy hit bottom and my pay check was frozen. Prices started to rise. I needed a new car. The roof, which had just been replaced, was leaking. That is when I discovered that the roofers had chiseled me, for they used substandard materials and failed to follow code. So I coughed up my savings for a second new roof in four years, which also leaked. I then borrowed money to fix this problem.
Now I am living from paycheck to paycheck. But, wait! I have a job. Yes, I am grateful that I am one of the working stiffs. But for how long? I am no longer the fast, multi-tasker I once was. With no new staff and many jumping ship because of the pressure, we are still required to provide as many services as before, if not more. The work keeps piling up.
I've never worked so hard for so little personal satisfaction. This is the 4th weekend in 7 that I've worked just to keep up. I was supposed to take time off - but I spent the half day on Friday working instead. I also worked on Saturday. Today is Easter and my new car wouldn't start. So instead of visiting family, I am all dressed up and home alone.
Given the terrible situation in Japan and the deaths in Syria, my troubles are paltry. But the truth is that I feel a constant tightness in my chest, I am eating for comfort and have gained weight, and I see no pleasure in my days off, since I spend them recovering my energy for the next week's onslaught. I am also deathly afraid of losing my job, for I know the chances of finding another one at my age with a good salary are slim to none.
How did I lose control of my life so quickly? Sometimes I think wistfully back on the days when I had a mate who would shoulder half the house and yard tasks, when I had someone to play and laugh with in bed, when life was hard work, yes, but also offered moments of leisure with friends, trips to the lake, and vacations to exotic places.
I've tried working just from 9 - 5:30. But that tactic put me farther and farther behind, to the point where I can catch up only if I work nights and weekends. I called a good friend this morning after my car wouldn't start and burst into tears. He didn't know what to say. I knew then that I had reached the end of my rope.
I'm going to try doing something I haven't done in a long time - and that is to chill out, read a book, and sit and do nothing but listen to the birds. Their spring voices are so lovely.
Besides, this is the only vacation I can grab. Does anyone else out there feeling stressed? What are some of your solutions?
Hint: If you are a single woman of a certain age, the best yearly investment is an AAA membership. This investment has reaped more benefits than I can count and has given me peace of mind. From flat tires, locked in keys, towing, and battery problems, Triple A has come to my rescue at least twice a year.
After the financial debacle of 2008 I realized that I could not soon retire. One of the reasons that I stopped writing regularly for this blog is that there were some worrying matters to tend to, and I did not want to transfer all my anxiety into my writing. I am not an extravagant person and I have no debts, but when one's retirement nest egg drops by 33%, no amount of thriftiness will make up for such a huge loss. At present, my investments have crept up to 2008 levels, but I no longer trust the system.
I noticed on the university website that Bob is now retired. When we split, I received the house and he retained his retirement savings. He taught for over 20 years, which means that he left with a hefty severance package. He has started a financial business concern and is realizing his dream of piling on money.
I began working full time at 51. You do the math. If I am lucky and can stay healthy, I can retire in ten years at 71. Even then my pension will be no more than $2,300 per month. Add social security benefits and deduct the cost of health care, and I am staring at a significant drop in my income.
I refuse to allow my worry about my financial future to take over my life; but that constant niggling pressure is starting to affect my sleep. If the economy keeps tanking and if I should lose my job, who would hire a 61 year old woman with preexisting medical conditions and give her full benefits? In this day and age, no one.
Apart from losing your best friend and life's mate during your divorce, you are also losing your financial security and those daily habits that up to now have made your life predictable and comfortable. One of the first habits I had to overcome was not to shout as I opened the front door, "Bob, I'm home!" For those first few weeks I would rush inside the house to share some news, only to find it empty. I cannot tell you how lonely I felt.
There was no longer a way to divide the household duties. All of a sudden I had to take out the garbage, mow the lawn, and pick up laundry at the dry cleaners, as well as purchase groceries, cook the meals, and clean the house.
I worked three part-time jobs all in different parts of the city; oversaw the maintenance of my 2-story house; went to therapy twice a week; and tried to keep up a social schedule of sorts. One thing I could say for certain - I had very little time to relax and feel sorry for myself.
The changes in my daily routine came as little shocks. I recall that the week after Bob left I had made arrangements to have my car serviced. I asked Bob if he would take me, for ostensibly we were "working at saving our marriage," but he coldly said no. I felt too injured to ask someone to pick me up and take me back to the mechanic's, so I spent that morning in the waiting room at the shop.
One month later we were hit with the worst snow storm in a decade. It was Bob with his strong wrestler's shoulders who would clear the sidewalk and parking area in previous storms; it was Bob's 4-wheel drive vehicle that would get us to the grocery store. I did the best I could, going out every hour to clear my front walk and driveway. That night the snow plows came through and trapped my car behind a wall of ice. My reliable, dependable husband was gone, and I did not have the physical strength to tackle that huge pile of compacted snow. I was trapped in my house, alone, with no one to comfort me. During those moments I despaired and cried the hardest.
But life goes on. My routine changed. I found people who could help me in a pinch. I moved furniture around, changed the side of the bed I slept on, placed a t.v. in my bedroom (a big taboo as far as Bob was concerned), got a dog (another taboo), and generally started to live my life not as a couple but as a single person who no longer needed to accommodate someone else. The small changes felt like self-nurture. I felt emboldened to try new things. And after a while, I recaptured the sense of adventure I felt when I had first moved out of my parents' house.
Oh, I did not take all these steps at once. They were slow and deliberate. I savored each change and felt stronger as I made decisions that used to require compromise. In fact, I am so happy with my new home routine, which suits my personality and bio-rhythm, that I started to wonder if I could ever share my house with someone again.
The answer is yes. Last winter a young female colleague moved temporarily into my house. It was so nice to come home and shout out, "Kate, where are you?" and to cook dinner for two, and to hang around in my jammies on Saturday morning discussing plans for the weekend. When Kate moved out, I felt that familiar sense of loss. But then my new routine, the one that is reserved just for me, kicked in again. That is when I discovered that, no matter what the circumstances, I am fine - with someone or by myself.
Melissa Etheridge and Mel Gibson. You have to be a hermit not to know about their messy relationship blow ups! They have made headlines recently, and both couples have come out with their fists swinging.
I recall the first conversation I had with a lawyer days after my ex moved out of the house. He identified two ways in which an unhappy spouse leaves a marriage. "Some spouses feel guilty when they leave," he said, "and they will be quite accommodating. You need to take advantage of this period and get the best deal you can. Then there's the second type of separation, in which the spouse will torpedo the relationship by lying, stealing or cheating and generally behaving like a louse."
What kind of break up characterizes your separation? I was lucky in that my ex felt guilty for several months. This allowed me to gather my thoughts and attend to my future. Then he met his new girlfriend (and future wife) and his attitude changed. Cruel words were spoken that I recall vividly to this day. But I never had to deal with the nightmarish and unreasonable behavior that so many abandoned spouses must go through.
I discovered one important survival trick soon after Bob moved out: while I could not save my marriage, I could control my behavior. I decided to take the high road and have largely stayed there. Research has shown that people who are able to face the future with a positive attitude and move on recover faster from the pain of divorce than those who wallow in self-pity or rehash old wounds. Here are my suggestions for those who are struggling to cope:
Live in the moment. Don't blame yourself for past mistakes or live with regret. Don't fear the future unknown. Take each day as it comes. Reward yourself for small successes. Be KIND to YOURSELF and trust that one day you'll find contentment again.
Don't react to a quarreling spouse. By not engaging with them, you take away their power to hurt you.
"In some cases the best way to deal with an unreasonable spouse is not to deal with him or her. No amount of discussion, debate or arguing will change the mind and attitude of a person who is bent on thinking and acting unreasonably. If your spouse truly believes you are a "jerk", then there is no amount of energy you can spend that will change that perception." - From the blog A Woman's Divorce
Take charge of the things you can handle. Don't wait for your spouse to take all the action.
Don't fool yourself into thinking your spouse will come back. If your spouse has left with clothes and some furniture and moved into an apartment, your marriage is over. My lawyer did not beat around the bush. He told me this in no uncertain terms - I just was not ready or willing to listen. I actually believed that Bob was going to therapy with me to mend our marriage. He was actually going to make the best divorce deal for himself.
Pick your friends wisely. Surround yourself with people with positive attitudes and who have only your best interests at heart. (Some friends revel in the drama and add fuel to the fire. Stay away from them.) Don't force your friends or family to choose sides, especially when kids are involved. Take the high road.
Listen to your instincts. Don't let others talk you into taking action that you know in your gut is wrong. My family tried to talk me into moving out of my house and to take other drastic action. I have since my divorce made changes in my life, but they were all done on MY terms and on my timeline, not someone else's. If a spouse is totally unreasonable, use a professional mediator to speak on your behalf.
Forgiveness is a powerful drug. Forgive yourself. Forgive your spouse. Let petty things go. Concentrate on survival issues and on healing and growth. Don't dwell on inconsequential matters. Don't play the blame game. By letting go you will feel instant relief. There are couples who will spend all their assets on lawyers fighting over inconsequential possessions for months, even years. My friend, a great lawyer, advised me: "When you are both slightly unhappy with the division of your assets, then your negotiations are done."
Yes, of course you need to vent your frustration, hurt, and anger. But do this in a "safe" environment. Exercise will help to keep your emotions under control. My mom allowed me to sit for 10 minutes on my pity pot before I had to get off. Those ten minutes, during which she listened quietly as I ranted and raved, allowed me to release a lot of steam. After a while, I simply ran out of anything to say.
Cliched as it sounds, time does heal wounds. I am still sad that my wonderful marriage did not last, but I am stronger for having survived a time that I truly thought would kill me.
The day Bob left our marriage, I could not shake the feeling that I had failed. By moving out of the house, he had made our breakup painfully public. I felt like a loser. It took every ounce of my energy to face the world, and I made pains to put on makeup, curl my hair, and wear a cute outfit before leaving the house. I might have felt like a reject on the inside, but I wanted to go out in public looking like a winner. It was a matter of pride. But I wasn't a celebrity, and no photographers or reporters were hanging outside my door waiting to take a snapshot of me or ask awkward questions.
This is not the case with Sandra Bullock. One moment she was on top of the world both professionally and in her private life, and the next she learned that her marriage was a sham. I was never one of the Jesse James haters. Oh, I wondered what she saw in him at first, and then I watched 'The Apprentice'. I learned to admire the way Jesse held himself back during volatile situations and how he treated the other celebrities with dignity and respect. I began to see what Sandra saw in him. And when she publicly declared how hot he was and how much she loved him during her award speeches, I rejoiced in her happiness. She seemed like a decent person, and she has entertained me in films that I liked, and so I felt kindly towards her. I loved that she kept donating a million here and there after major disasters, most recently the Haiti earthquake, and this told me she had a good heart.
But now she is in hiding and grieving over the loss of her innocence and trust in her husband. We - you and I - can imagine exactly how she felt when she learned the awful truth about her husband: feeling the blood instantly drain from your head, the cold-sinking sensation that you are not dreaming; the tight knot in your chest; the disbelief that your best friend and partner is betraying you; the awful, unbearable pain that seeps through every pore of your body. And then, when you can breathe and think again, the relentless feeling of failure and humiliation.
But in Sandra Bullock's case her heartache is being played out in public. She literally can not hide in a crowd, as I did and as you can. Everywhere she goes, strangers KNOW about Jesse's actions and the news keeps getting worse. We no longer know rumor from fact. The truth is that Jesse put his wife, an intensely private person, in this situation by his willful actions, and the only choice he has given this brave, talented, supremely successful person is that she must go into hiding. Can you imagine how doubly humiliated she must feel - to be forced to hide so she can grieve in private?
During the worst part of my separation from Bob, I could still find some relief by losing myself in crowds, or dinner out, or during long strolls in the park. Sandra has lost everything - the man that she thought she knew, the children that she treated as her own, and the privacy that she fought for so long to keep.
"...the climate of any break-up or betrayal becomes a breeding ground for an emotion that, when examined more closely, is a bit surprising: humiliation. When you exacerbate this with the public exposure of a very private matter, one can only imagine the shame and self-criticisms that would ensue.
But why do people who have been hurt or rejected take this on as a reflection on themselves? In my 25 years as a therapist, I have often observed what my father, psychologist and theorist Dr. Robert W. Firestone, refers to as the "critical inner voice" to be the chief culprit in making break ups and affairs a matter of humiliation."
"the betrayed partner is the one who is traumatized and can't imagine how he or she will ever become whole again." This is how most people feel when they are cheated on or walked out on: traumatized. This trauma often throws them back into a defended state that, although painful, also feels familiar. They may experience feelings they felt early in life such as: they are not loveable, they are a failure, they have lost people's respect or they can't survive without being taken care of by the person they once trusted."
The article ends with the words: "No one should be critical of themselves because they took a chance on love."
I will go one step further and state: Be as kind to yourself as you would be to a wounded friend. Write nice notes to yourself, and in a journal list all your good traits and the sweet and special things you have done for others. Treat yourself to something special, like a pedicure, after you have faced another hurdle successfully. Relish the love of your family and friends, and surround yourself only with positive people. Know that you have nothing to be ashamed of for having taken a "chance on love."
Dear Readers: This article was written by a divorced woman expressly for this blog. When her son was diagnosed with Autism at two years of age, her husband started to abuse him to get the boy to change. She divorced him, and had been homeschooling him until last year. When it was suggested that she take him off all sugars, she took the advice. She then put her son through a metal detox and he asked to go to school and for the first time. He is now twelve years old and sleeps through the night. Her story is not only inspiring, but life affirming. She has so much to share, and I am thrilled to place her words on this blog.
Modern divorce is just as disruptive to your life as historical divorces, however, today there are a lot more things working in your favor to minimize post-divorce trauma. While there is going to be discomfort, emotional trauma and financial stress, you can survive a divorce. To come out of your divorce in a good place you will need to follow a few simple divorce survival tips.
When you get divorced you are going to be given lots of different divorce survival tips. Some will be helpful and some will be useless. If you want to improve your post-divorce life then you need to find useful resources. These resources include things like counselors, support groups, stress relief resources and emotional support resources.
The next set of divorce survival tips will relate to your finances. One of the most stress causing issues that divorcees have to deal with is their finances. Surviving financially after a divorce can be challenging because not only is your monthly income reduced but your monthly expenses are increased. You can improve your financial position after your divorce by creating a budget. Your budget will not only identify your costs and income for the month, but it will also help you to determine where you can make cut backs and what financial holes you need to fill. If you are having a hard time handling your post-divorced finances it may be a good investment to work with a financial planner, especially to help you get your individual retirement finances set up.
One helpful strategy that I found that helped me was to carry a very small notepad everywhere I went. Even if I spent a few cents on a package of bubble gum, I inputted the date, day of week, what I purchased and how much it cost. At the end of the week I transferred the information from the notepad and put them into categories on an Exel sheet. It was an eye-opener!
In addition to finding resources to help you survive your modern divorce and to help you get your finances in order, you also need to address your personal life. For most people it is a good idea to avoid jumping back into the social scene right after their divorce. Give yourself a few months to get your life back in order and to adjust to your new single life. This short waiting period will give you the time to rebuild your confidence and it will help you to avoid jumping into a relationship with the wrong person. Also, with your life in order, you will be a much better catch and you will attract a better selection of potential mates.
If you are dealing with children and divorce then you have a few other issues to iron out before your life can move on. First of all you need to set up a parenting relationship with your ex-spouse that is functional. Regardless of the issues that led to your divorce (barring abuse), you need to develop a working relationship with your before spouse so that you can continue to be excellent parents to your kids. This means communicating with one another, supporting each other's parenting decisions and focusing both of your efforts on a joint parenting strategy. If you remain focused on what is best for the kids you can avoid many of the pitfalls of divorced parenting.
Divorce doesn't have to be the end of the world, or the end of your family unit. In fact, you have the opportunity to develop a life that is better than when you were married. The key is to focus on what is important, not to dwell on the past and to invest your time in doing what needs to be done to be happy. This may mean bringing in the help of a professional counselor, a professional financial planner or even a relationship mediator to help you design strategies to maximize the benefits of being divorced and to minimize the drawbacks.
It's been a long time since I posted, partially because I lost the log-on information (again.) The truth is, the more time that passes, the more single I feel. My marriage, which began its precipitous downward slide exactly ten years ago, now seems like a distant memory. I no longer miss Bob. And I am no longer frantically searching for a male companion. If I meet a man, he will catch me unawares, doing something I like, and most likely laughing.
Time is slipping by quickly and I rarely feel alone. The best post-divorce actions I took were to fill my house with tenants (especially in this tough economy) and acquire a dog. I have a challenging job, and I keep stretching myself, acquiring new skills and trying new things. My only regret is that I did not take care of myself physically, and my couch potato-ness has affected my health. So for the foreseeable future I will be spending my free time at the gym, and walking the dog, and eating wholesome foods.
Several of us had this discussion recently: When do you become single again? Is it a state of mind? In filling out an application form, when do you check the singles box instead of "divorced"? What are your thoughts? Here's an online discussion thread on the topic.
Uggh. I hate the thought of going out with someone I barely know. Dating at sixty is as awful as dating at sixteen. One spends a couple of hours with a stranger, trying to be witty and amusing while conquering feelings of nervousness and wondering - "Is he as attracted to me as I am to him?" - or waiting for the date to end.
Then there's the decision to kiss him or not after that first date. Or, if you are wild for each other, when it would be appropriate to make love without looking easy or cheap. For those of us whose sex lives went from frequent or regular love-making sessions to none, this question carries some weight. At my age, I can count the number of times I've made love to a man in the past two and a half years on the fingers of one hand. Then again, I'm not as nimble as I used to be, if you get my drift. And neither is a man my age, unless he's kept up his fitness regimen. Even then, well, let's just say I am beginning to understand the charms of viagra.
My sweet niece called my one day, all excited. "Auntie Vic, she said, I think I've found you a man. He's funny, divorced, and a wonderful person. And he's 53 years old."
"Whoa," I answered, "Does he know I just turned 60?"
From experience, I know of few men who are looking for women who are older than themselves. True, most people are shocked to learn I am sixty. I look younger and behave and think like a 30-year-old, so that even my relatives are fooled into thinking that this tough old broad still has some juice in her. But I am becoming more keenly aware of my age with each year. I move more slowly, feel arthritis beginning to cripple my fingers, and can't multi-task with the efficiency I was once known for.
Which brings me to the business of looking for someone to date. I simply don't have the time, inclination, or energy these days to go shopping for a man. According to AARP magazine, "Of the 97 million Americans who are 45 or older, almost 40 percent—36.2 million—are on the loose." That's a significant number of people, but I suspect a large percent of them are women, so I would view this information with a jaundiced eye. At a social event last night in an art gallery, the number of mature women outnumbered the men by 3:1. Of the men that attended the event, almost all had arrived with a date or spouse. I didn't even bother to look for prospects but concentrated on enjoying the event with my two female friends. Ok, I'm willing to admit that most men would not be attracted to attending an evening of short story reading at an art gallery, but I've experienced the same phenomenon white water rafting or volunteering in a beer tent at a sports event. Most of the men I met at these venues were already taken.
Had someone told me six years ago that I would have been dateless in 2008 and so far in 2009, I would have called them crazy. After my divorce I was actively looking for a new relationship, but the truth was that the enormous amount of effort this took did not lead to satisfactory results. My last date was so excrutiatingly awful, with my partner talking about himself 90% of the time and evincing no interest in my hobbies or interests, that I literally counted the minutes before I could politely say goodbye. Now I prefer being by myself and calling my own shots. I look forward to a cozy evening with my loyal dog or going out with friends during the weekend. I am no longer ashamed of being single in a couple's world, and rather revel in the strange looks I get as I sit in a fancy restaurant alone, treating myself to a nice meal, and hugely enjoying my own company.
Last week I went to a place called Bark Farm and volunteered to walk rescued dogs and muck out their pens. I was surrounded by volunteers of all ages, each of them eager to help our unfortunate canine friends. Helping these abandoned creatures puts things in perspective. They are experiencing the same feelings of bewilderment and abandonment that I once felt. It breaks your heart to see these frightened and lonely pets, but you come away feeling you've done something to help alleviate their hurt. To me, such activities are more worthwhile and fulfilling than spending an evening with someone with whom I have very little in common. Sometimes I think it would be nice to find a new mate while I'm actively involved doing something I like, but I'll just chalk that up to wishful thinking.
Read these fascinating insights about dating in Seeking Love.
I just finished watchingMiddlemarchand was struck by these quotes:
"Grief is a kind of illness ... it can rob us of vital energies."
How absolutely true. While you are grieving the loss of your spouse, you should make every attempt to take good care of your fragile ego. Continuing the quote from Middlemarch:
"You have nothing - nothing to reproach yourself."
Too often we play the woulda, shoulda, coulda game, second guessing the moves we made in the past and blaming our actions. Don't. During this trying time try not to beat yourself up. Reward yourself for having survived another day. Buy a new tube of lipstick or tie. Treat yourself to a movie.
Be kind to your grieving self and try to stay healthy. Lean on friends for support. Ask for help when you need it. Don't be too proud to show your vulnerable side to others. The point is to survive the initial onslaught of grief so that you can tackle the things that matter.
After Bob deserted our marriage I "heard" a constant buzz in my brain. This “noise”, as I called it, was the result of the fears that crowded my thoughts during my waking hours. At the most difficult and emotional time of my life I had to focus on things that mattered, but often I couldn’t. Too many people were giving me advice and my fear of the unknown - of aging alone, of having to find a job, and of taking on Bob's responsibilities as well as my own - added to the confusion.
I simply had no energy left to take on new and daunting tasks. There was the constant pressure I felt from Bob, my counselor, the lawyer, and my family to make quick decisions. I recall losing my ability to take in one more piece of advice during a phone conversation with a loving aunt who would not stop talking. I begged her to stop but she simply kept going. The noise in my head crescendoed and I hung up on her. I had never done that before.
Few spouses in a successful and long-term marriage prepare for divorce ahead of time. We might prepare for the death of a loved one and vaguely think up a Plan B in the event that something unexpected happens, but we simply cannot anticipate all the awful events that unfold after a spouse leaves. If you were unfortunate enough to experience such an event, chances are you were caught flat-footed and disbelieving that your cozy life had vanished.
After I saw Bob drag our guest bed out of the door, my mind went into a constant state ofpanic, grief, sadness, and worry. I suffered anxiety attacks and didn’t even know it, confusing the pain in my chest for a physical illness or upset stomach. I was forced to make long-term and life altering decisions when I was at my most vulnerable. Recently in Elle Magazine, Reese Witherspoon called her divorce isolating and humiliating. "If it's not painful," she said, "maybe it wasn't the right decision to marry to begin with. Those are the appropriate emotions." Because of the emotional pain, which feels like physical pain, most abandoned spouses switch to survival mode. For me, nothing I did – not sleep, work, exercise, or being around people - allowed me to escape the worries and emotions that cluttered my ability to think straight.That’s why I needed a rational but choice group of relatives and friends in those first few crucial months to do my thinking for me.
Months after I signed the divorce papers and after I had regained the ability to think on my own, I started to live my life again. I realized that so many items that I had accumulated during my marriage were still cluttering my house. Bob had left abruptly. Oh, he'd come once or twice to collect items he wanted, but he left me to deal with the detritus of our 26 years of marriage. I tackled these duties only when I had the emotional strength, and I am still dealing with the junk to this day. Just two weeks ago I ran across an old Valentine's Day card from Bob. "I love you, forever", it said mockingly. Hah! I tossed it promptly in the trash.
Lately I've been facing a different kind of clutter - the clutter that accumulates from simply living one's life. Daily post mail, email, tchotchka gifts from friends, old clothes and ancient possessions, and mementos and souvenirs from trips. All these combine to complicate one's life, take up precious spare time. Clutter tends to get in the way of remembering where important things are stored, like one's passport, will, or car keys.
I've been sorting through my possessions in order to simplify my life and to help my memory, which is not the same as it once was. My new routine has some structure to it so that I can find my purse and cell phone at a moment's notice. I maintain my car to keep it in tip top shape and save money to pay important bills like real estate taxes. This is saying something, for I am a head-in-the-clouds "creative" type who has always depended on my family to keep my life in order. But let's face it, after nine years alone, I can no longer depend on the 'kindness of relatives or strangers' to keep me going. Each step makes me more powerful and in control of my life. It hasn't been easy. One of these days, when I'm 75, I'll get the hang of being organized and staying on top of my daily routine.
Until now I was able to live a fairly comfortable lifestyle. Just before my divorce I had lived five fairly worry free years - we'd paid off the college loans, were debt free except for our mortgage, and were starting a savings account for our retirement. This was a time when Bob supplemented his income with consulting fees and when we vacationed gratis, thanks to his foreign-based boondoggles. I enjoyed five years of worry free living. Then my marriage fell apart.
I recall a time in 1978 when we were graduate students in Boston and were down to our last $20. We needed to purchase food for the dogs before we could tend to our needs. We also had to set aside money for the subway, for we had no car. After expenses, all we could afford to eat for the rest of the week was rice and spaghetti. Although we were happy and looking forward to our future life after we completed school, our first 15 years of marriage were spent as students and paying off student loans. When we reached our mid-thirties and found real jobs we let out a sigh of relief and began to think about building our assets.
Then Bob got restless. When I signed our divorce decree, Bob's lifestyle didn't change. In fact it improved because he married a rich woman. My lifestyle returned to the one I had in my thirties - we had not been poor exactly, but we had to watch our pennies.
By canceling the wine of the month club, getting rid of cable, and reducing my vacations from six a year to one or two, I managed to live on a fraction of the income I had become accustomed to. Instead of going out to dinner, I would go out at lunch. Instead of seeing movies at the theater, I would rent them. I invested heavily in a better computer, and dropped my magazine and newspaper subscriptions, getting the news online. Instead of working out at an expensive club, I concentrated on walking my dog.
I purchased conservative investment clothes, many of which I can still wear because they are not trendy. I stopped streaking my hair, and began to color it myself. My haircuts became few and far between, and I have often solicited my mother's aid in cutting an inch or so off my blunt cut. I also built a kitchenette in my walk-out basement, which has a bedroom, bath, sitting room with fireplace, and a dining area. After moving out my belongings, I rented the downstairs to relatives of friends, using the income to pay off my gas, phone, and electric bills.
I also worked nights and weekends in a second job to help me through my adjustment period. As my salary rose, I made more adjustments, quitting my night job and reinstalling cable. For a while I felt that I was leading a comfortable lifestyle again, and I was quite content despite the fact that my former opulent life was gone.
This year the stock market bottomed out and the real estate market took a dive. While I was fiscally responsible, the effects of this economic downturn have taken their toll. I will not be receiving a raise this year. (Thank God I have a job.) My brother and I are unable to rent out our investment rental house. We had purchased it four years ago, and the income it generated allowed me to go on vacation and live free of debt. Even when the roof needed replacing, and the big old oak had to be cut down, I had the cash to deal with these emergencies.
No more.
Every time I must make a big purchase, I have to dip into my savings. My niece is getting married next week. Instead of treating my family to a big dinner out, I will be counting my pennies. My safety net is rapidly dwindling as I am nearing retirement age, and once again I am thinking of retrenching. I have signed a two-year contract for a Fios bundle, but will probably not reup the contract or keep my landline. The yard man will have to go, and I will live with my old ratty couches and sagging mattress for another decade, if not forever. I have also replaced my incandescent bulbs with energy saving fluorescent bulbs, and am keeping my thermostat down.
One more matter of business: my dog Cody. Our entire family is flying to my niece's destination wedding. Today, I designated a good friend as Cody' protector. Before I leave I will notify the vet and Cody's kennel that Jim will adopt him should anything happen to me and my family. What a sobering thought. But now that I have taken care of the most important little being in my life, I can breathe another sigh of relief.
I've taken care of current business. What's next? I shudder to think.
Dear Readers: Look Who's Been Included in This Fabulous Group! Keep scrolling down to see
Divorced Websites for Parents
Child Centered DivorceRosalind Sedacca is very active in educating parents about divorce. Her website, “Child-Centered Divorce,” helps parents minimize the emotional trauma for children whose parents are going through a divorce.
Divorce@Suite101 Lots of great resources here with celebrity contributors!
Attachment Parenting Blog Great Dad perspective with three children, 11, 8 and 4, which is a discussion venue for topics relating to single parenting, divorce, fatherhood.
Gabriel Cheong Law “This blog is really great, videos, interesting articles and I am sure very helpful legal advice for sticky situations divorced families get into.” -Nick, 19
Divorced at 50:What is life like after a 32-year relationship? This blogger spills all.
Judith’s Divorce BlogReflections on divorce, separation and associated topics by Judith Middleton, who is qualified as a solicitor and an accredited family law specialist. Interesting perspective on this topic!
Dad’s House: “A single dad’s exploits–great music taste and he talks about all aspects of life.” -Mary
Divorce Diva A humorous and sweet perspective to a difficult situation–thank goodness.
Women’s Divorce Blog “Wow, a lot of really hard hitting articles and topics that are very well organized, a little bit like reading a book in pieces–good.” -Mary, 14.
Glenn Sacks “His stance is tough, but he seems to have a lot of different kinds of columns and resources about divorce!” - Nick, 19.
Darn Divorce “This is so funny, great comments and posts! I like her honesty.” -Marci, 17
Have you noticed now that you are past menopause and a few wrinkles have appeared around your mouth and eyes that men simply ignore you and that their gazes invariably land on younger women? Have you noticed how society in general just assumes that a woman past 50 is uninteresting and that even people who know you better than most tend to discount your opinion?
Why is this?
I recall talking to a man my age last year. He was single and so was I. But then a married woman in her thirties joined us. Yes, she was attractive, but she was MARRIED. Never mind. He ignored me for the rest of the evening, even though we sat side by side and he had to talk over me to flirt with her. Any time I spoke up, he gave me short shrift. I felt like kicking him in the b-lls, er, shins. It was not as if he was God's gift to women. In high school or college I would have dismissed him as not my type. Small comfort now when my dating pool has shrunk to about 1.2 eligible and interesting men per 1,000 square miles.
I spent Friday evening with three women - two in their twenties and one in her mid-thirties. They absolutely embraced my presence and were so flattering. We spoke about work, men, girlfriends, children, ambitions, renting apartments, the economy, clothes, politics, movies, books, Richmond events, and a series of other topics that kept me interested and on my toes. I felt ENERGIZED. Moreover, the three young ladies wanted to repeat the evening and invited me to join them again.
And yet . . . while they drew the admiring glances from men, those same men (all but one was younger than me), gave me not a single interested glance.
Here is what happened with my last "beau," who has been my friend since college. We were both divorced within 4 years of each other, and three years ago we became 'romantic." I had a hope that our relationship would lead to something, but it did not. By August I had not seen him in nine months. My silence was deliberate. He seemed to have lost interest in me and so I disappeared. When a conference brought me near him, I let him know that I would be in the neighborhood. I wanted, once and for all, to know why things had cooled off.
He absolutely insisted on seeing me, going through great lengths to meet me, and so I felt flattered. I recall preening like a sixteen-year-old on her first date. The moment he entered the seedy bar he had suggested, he said: "There might be some drama tonight. My girlfriend and her ex might show up." He then proceeded to talk about his new love for the next hour. Any time I brought up a topic related to what I had been doing, he failed to follow up with a question, bringing the subject back to his love, who, poor woman, had endured 17 years of a bad marriage.
Not once did he notice my arm protecting my middle section, and my other hand hiding my mouth. Any person trained in reading body language (as he was) would have seen that I was in pain. I excused myself and went to the bathroom, where I paced up and down the small room, wondering how long I could last. He had driven an hour to see me, so I figured I could give him the same amount of time for his effort: I would stay one more hour max. I returned to our table with a new attitude, determined to ask him some honest questions and speak my mind.
When he began to describe his new love's drama queen behavior and how he felt she should get therapy and how she felt he needed to change, I told him that he was ok just as he was, and while I understood that sex could be great after an argument, that he was not describing a mature relationship. Needless to say he was not interested in my opinion.
That was all I said. I mentioned a few other things I had been doing, not from any prompting on his side, and then (gratefully) left. The following morning he sent me her picture.
Did I tell you how he had described her? "5'5" - like you. 30 lbs. overweight - like you. Funny - like you. Bawdy - like you."
But not me.
When I looked at the picture I laughed. I saw someone 8 years younger than myself, with an extremely short neck, and hair redder than Lucille Ball's. Ok, so I shouldn't emphasize her physical attributes. This woman has a law degree, three children, and lives in a section of town that I can only dream about. Yet for all that he was telling me in what he thought was the most flattering light possible, she sounded like a whining and controlling person. Wonder of wonders, he is genuinely attracted to her drama. When he spoke of her, he seemed all a tingle and alive. His eyes kept darting to the door (for he had invited her to join us) and on his cell phone, hoping to see a message. Aargh! Talk about feeling invisible. I realized that in the entire two hours we were together he was talking about her, seeing her in his mind's eye, and looking for her. I could just as well have been a statue for all he cared.
My only response to her rather ordinary image was to wish him well and tell him that I was happy he had found someone to love. I have not heard from him since. Ever since I received her photo, the song "Insensitive" has played in my mind. The words Jan Arden sings in her video express how I feel and felt about my male friend's behavior. (No, I am not pining for him. Life is too short. But I do miss his friendship, which has been absent since he began dating her.) Do not EVER sleep with a friend of the opposite sex. Ninety nine percent of the time this will lead to the end of that friendship.
I think I shall just hang around with my girlfriends for a while and enjoy being seen and heard. For the time being I'll stick with relationships that are life-affirming.
I've reached a point in my life where all I want is some distance from emotional turmoil and financial want, but as a single, divorced, and childless person who has entered her 60s I am confronted with so many new issues, that at times I am almost paralyzed with fear and indecision.
