Stay Clear of Confirmed Bachelors

To tag onto the previous post, I want to relate the discussions I had with two men (at separate times) on why they don't intend to marry again.

One had been married three times. He tried his best to make his third marriage work. (He was married at 18 the first time, married on the rebound the second time, and fell head over heels in love with his third wife, who eventually "Done Him Wrong.") When we met, he was in his mid-forties. The third sentence out of his mouth after we had set up our first date was, "I don't ever intend to marry again." He was as good as his word. And even though I felt some hope when our relationship lasted, he pulled away when everyone but the minister expected us to get married. I couldn't fault him, though. He never promised permanence, and he said right from the start that he'd had enough. "Three strikes and you're out." Nine years after his third divorce, he's still single as far as I know.

Three months into dating man number two, he began sending me links to blogs that other men had written. The posts went something like this (and I paraphrase): I've got a good job, a great house, wonderful kids, as much sex as I like or need, no debt, no worries, I can do what I want when I want it, and there are no conflicts in my life. Why upset a good life?"

Why indeed. I received about three or four of these links, read them, laughed at the absurdity of some of the comments, and then ... it hit me. Man number two was sending me a message: A strong one. That Christmas I arrived at his house with a truly wonderful gift, but he had none for me. Instead, I received a comic little riff about women who bought useless presents for each other that cluttered the house. Oh, he was funny, but there was a stridency to his tone as he performed his little comic routine. He then commented on the nice manly relationship between Henry Higgins and Colonel Pickering in My Fair Lady, and quoted these lines from "Why Can't a Woman Be More Like a Man?"

Women are irrational, that's all there is to that!
There heads are full of cotton, hay, and rags!
They're nothing but exasperating, irritating,
vacillating, calculating, agitating,
Maddening and infuriating hags!

He went on to quote,

Why can't a woman be more like a man?
Men are so honest, so thoroughly square;
Eternally noble, historic'ly fair;
Who, when you win, will always give your back a pat.
Well, why can't a woman be like that?
Why does ev'ryone do what the others do?
Can't a woman learn to use her head?
Why do they do ev'rything their mothers do?
Why don't they grow up- well, like their father instead?
Why can't a woman take after a man?
Men are so pleasant, so easy to please;
Whenever you are with them, you're always at ease.
Would you be slighted if I didn't speak for hours?
PICKERING
Of course not!
HIGGINS
Would you be livid if I had a drink or two?
PICKERING
Nonsense.
HIGGINS
Would you be wounded if I never sent you flowers?
PICKERING
Never.
HIGGINS
Well, why can't a woman be like you?

I recall plastering a smile on my face, trying to hide my incredible hurt. Then I looked at the gift I'd given him, and said lightly, "Well, if you find gifts women give useless, guess I'll take mine back."

"Oh, no," he said. "I like yours." (It was a gourmet wine opener.)

I left his house feeling deflated and a sense of disquiet. I cried again that Christmas. It was the third time in five years that my heart had been broken in December, and I was beginning to dread that time of year. In fact, I refuse to have another holiday ruined by a man.

Weeks later in one of our last phone conversations he told me how easy I was to get along with. Of course! He had made it plain that there was no future, so I held myself back. He's never realized how many tears I've cried over him, and I'll be damned if I'll ever tell him. Besides, I've been wrestling with the notion that I'm attracted to the wrong kind of man. How else can I explain my dismal record?

So, this is the lesson I gleaned from my former beaus:

All in all, both are quite content living alone. One is neat and tidy; the other's house is a mess. Both love to eat and can cook quite well. They drop everything to be with their children (as they should.) Both care a great deal for their parents. One visits his mother, who lives in a nursing home, two or three times per month in a city three hours away. The other renovated his house so that his father, who is legally blind, could move in with him. He now spends his spare time driving his father everywhere.

These two men are decent and honorable. Both will drop everything to help me if I should ever make the call. They just don't need a woman to make their lives complete. It isn't that I'm so undesirable to be with, or a pushover, (thank God I have no self doubt about myself or my conduct,) it's that every woman these two men have dated since their divorce have been dropped or left dangling. In my case, I lasted four years with one, and three months with the other.

I no longer date. It's too much of a bother. I've also decided I just cannot go through another heartache soon again. I may be dumb, but I'm not stupid. Besides, I have a dog, a lovely home, a career, and as much sex as I want. Sheez! Now I'm sounding just like them. Isn't this world simply crazy?

Here's an interesting article about Some Common Reasons Men Leave Relationships.

Divorce Talk With Men of My Acquaintance, Part One

I encountered two men in their late thirties this week, my insurance agent and a former coworker. Both are going through a divorce. Being men, they said little, keeping a stiff upper lip. Still, I commiserated with them, telling them I understood they were not going through an easy time. Hearing my sympathetic comment, my insurance agent opened up. He'd been married 10 years and had two children. He would have tried to make things work, he said, but his wife was done. She didn't want to continue the marriage. He shared joint custody of the kids and he lived for them. At this stage of his separation, all he could think of was them.

My former coworker had been married for only two years. I could tell from his demeanor that he was the one who left. He was embarrassed about his public failure and hadn't told many people. Despite his decision to leave, I imagine it was still a difficult one. Breaking up is never easy, especially after one has declared to the world, "'Till death us do part."

This news about my former coworker resulted in a conversation with my boss, a man who has been divorced for over 35 years. His one and only marriage lasted only a few months. "Unlike other peoples' responses," he said, "I congratulated him and told him I thought he was brave for leaving an impossible situation and for not attempting to fix something that couldn't be fixed."

Good point, I reluctantly thought, recalling all the pain I felt when my husband told me he was leaving. Then my boss continued, saying how he couldn't understand how marriage truly worked. How anyone could worry about another human's welfare in addition to their own. (Obviously he doesn't have children.) It was tough enough, he said, worrying about losing your own job or being able to pay taxes. Having to worry about a spouse as well doubled the pressure. He had no idea why anyone would want to put their faith and trust in another, open a joint checking account, or purchase joint property, etc. He loved living on his own.

"Living the selfish life," I added, "Doing what I want, when I want, and how I want it."

"Precisely," he said, perking up. "It's very satisfying." He then went on to say how it always irked him that society celebrated successful couples. "How about the single individual successfully living alone? Why aren't they rewarded with praise?"

Indeed, why not? I thought, knowing my boss shirked all parties and get-togethers, and spent most of his free time watching baseball with his two dogs and cats. I have no pat answers to this strange discussion. I was simply happy to get as much from this man as I did. In fact, from now on, quite a few of my posts will center around other middle-aged people's thoughts about divorce, marriage, and the single life. So stay tuned. Meanwhile, here are two links for a man going through divorce. No matter what sex you are, the process is tough.

• Divorce: A Man's Survival Guide

• Here's an old interview by Bill Ritter, but current in thought and feeling. Men After Divorce/Walkaway Wives

Part II of this post will describe a conversation with another divorced man. Like Henry Higgins from My Fair Lady, he needs no women to make him happy.

Cleaning files

I am going through old files today to make way for storage space, and encountered the papers I kept of the days, weeks, and months after my separation from Bob. It is eerie to read the almost desperate attempts I made to save my marriage; it hardens my heart to see the cool and indifferent responses from my former spouse. I now understand what sort of calculated waiting game he played with me.

All these events occurred during 2000. Interestingly, yesterday was my wedding anniversary. I was married on a Saturday on September 15, 1973. Like yesterday, the day started out with a drizzle and ended up clear, sunny, and warm. This was important, for we were married outdoors.

Thankfully I had made plans to be with my family yesterday. I shed no tears. My therapist told me it would take five years to completely heal, and she was right. Last year I had a similar cool response when I traveled with a girlfriend to Paris. So for those of you who think that the memories will haunt you forever, take heart. Time and distance do heal all wounds.

Sister Links of Strength

Two blogs I'd like to direct you to are written by women (younger than me) who are also going through periods of vast upheaval and transition. Their blogs are beautifully written personal accounts of overcoming pain and anguish. In fact, I'm tagging them, asking them to identify two or three blogs that they visit regularly and that are written by people who are going through a painful transition as well. The only requirement is that the blogs they identify are also written in a positive tone. They should be absent of spiteful posts.

For Sister Links of Strength, I've tagged:

Mom of 3, who resides in Boston. She writes about Finding My Way, in which she embarks on a personal journey of growth and discovery as she and her husband are separating.

Iona Fiona: Tales from the post marital quagmire views the world in an unflinchingly honest way. I am always surprised when I visit Iona's blog, and in turn feel supported by her. Her site is well worth a visit!

Little Girls Whose Daddies Leave Them

Little girls whose daddies leave them

...know it's all their fault.

...yearn for their daddies to come back.

...search for their daddies, sometimes all their lives.

...will do anything to get their daddies back.

...find substitute daddies, even in bad places.

...try to be good girls, even though they really think they are bad.

...have a hard time saying no.

...think they have a flaw that made their daddies leave.

...will do everything in their power to keep their new daddies (husbands.)

...will find fault with themselves over their daddies.

...might seem tough on the outside, but they are bruised on the inside.

...have a hard time trusting anyone.

...enter co-dependent relationships when they grow up.









I am a child of divorce. This was how I felt. This was how I reacted emotionally to men. Did I miss anything?

Facing your anniversary alone

My wedding anniversary is coming up. I spent my first wedding anniversary alone crying. It would have been our 27th year as man and wife. We were still married, but Bob had already gotten engaged to someone else.

I was caught off guard by the sheer force of emotions, and I clung to my bewildered dog all night long, crying so hard and so long that my eyes and voice were raw for days. The next year (on what would have been my 28th anniversary) I was in a serious relationship. It didn't occur to me to protect myself. Inexplicably, I spent that day alone also, and once again my emotions overwhelmed me.
I was prepared the third year, and planned a weekend with friends. I've planned something on my anniversary every year since then. Last year, I flew to Paris. This year Mom and Dad will be joining me. We are going to tackle the rest of my garage, throwing out the last vestiges of Bob's possessions, and clearing out the clutter that represents my hanging on to old memories and the past. These possessions and memorabilia have been bogging me down, slowing my ability to store new things and using my house to the fullest.

Letting go. This has been my theme for a few months now. I am finally starting to cut all the connections that are holding me back. Some day I will regard the date of my anniversary as just another day.

This article, Coping With Tragedy from the National Empowerment Center, was written to help people cope with a traumatic event, such as after a hurricane. I found the advice to be pertinent to my situation as well.

Letting Go

Some of the hardest post divorce task I've had to tackle have been in the areas of 'Letting Go.'

First, I had to let go of material things.
Days after Bob moved out of the house, I stopped the lawn service, discontinued the wine of the month club, beer of the month club, and dinners out. I checked books and videos out of the library and joined Price Club. I waited for sales before making purchases, and for the first time I set foot in the Dollar Store and Tuesday Morning. I began to frequent Goodwill and Salvation Army stores, and scour yard sales. I even shopped at Wal*Mart regularly. Slowly but steadily I stopped paying retail and studied wholesale prices. I had no choice.

Second, I had to learn to let go of former dreams.
We had plans to build a lake house on some lake property we had just purchased. I had dreams of getting my novels published. A more immediate dream had been to visit Hawaii. All these had to be swept aside as I concentrated on emotional and financial survival.

Third, I had to let go of my former friendships.
Oh, I kept most of our friends, but the nature of those friendships changed. All of a sudden I found myself living in a largely female world. Where before Bob and I would go out as a couple, now I would meet my girlfriends for lunch. Since my divorce I've seen some of the men I used to see weekly only six or seven times. While those "couple" friends would invite single men to their parties, dinners, and get-togethers, I seldom got asked to attend them as a single woman. I had to let go of my anger and disappointment towards those friends. They were treating me in a different way. I could either accept this or move on and find a new, close circle of friends who were not intimidated by my single state. I chose to move on, connecting with old friends less often and concentrating on my new life.

Fourth, I needed to let go of the anger.
This has been the hardest task. I haven't completely forgiven Bob for giving up on "us" or forgotten some of the hateful things he said, but I have placed him far down the list of people who matter. Consequently, my anger about the divorce has lessened. I found this one thing to be true: It is impossible to love someone you don't respect. Once I lost my respect for Bob, my love for him disappeared. Once I stopped loving him, I could let go of him and most of my anger.

Fifth, I needed to stop thinking of myself as a failure.
Through 6 years of dating and 26 years of marriage I did my best. I loved Bob with all my heart. In my mind I was a good and devoted wife. Yes, my faults and actions contributed to the demise of the marriage, but I did the best I could given my background as a child of divorce and his seasonal depressions. Once I stopped thinking of myself as having failed at marriage, and once I stopped beating myself up, the healing started.

Read more on this topic:

Coping: Letting Go of Anger

Divorce Support Forum: Letting Go of Anger

Strategies to Cope With Anger After Divorce

Shopping for a Divorce Lawyer? Consider Mediation

Two hours after Bob told me he was leaving our marriage, the numbness I felt disappeared and the pain began. One of the last things Bob had told me before going to work that day was that he would attend marriage counseling but "Not if you contact a lawyer."After a long talk with my parents, who urged me to seek legal counsel, I started calling friends.

I first talked to a friend who had been an attorney. She advised me to take out as much money as I could from our joint account, max out my credit cards, and open a new account. I ended the call horrified, knowing such actions would set Bob off. My second call resulted in the name and number of a divorce attorney. He'd been voted Richmond's best two years in a row. I called his office and made an appointment to see him the following week.

During my free one hour, this man gave me much sound advice, but I left feeling a sense of disquiet. His attitude had been cold and unwelcoming. Oh, he'd been friendly enough at the start, but when he sized up our meager assets, his friendliness disappeared. We were clearly not worth his time or effort. Coldly he told me my marriage was over. My husband had left the house, rented a new apartment, and taken half the furniture. "Those are not the actions of a man intending to come back." He also told me to take advantage of Bob's guilty feelings and to negotiate quickly and cleanly for 50% of the assets.

I was still in a state of disbelief. Combined with my hope of saving my marriage and my immediate dislike of this cold man, I decided to look for representation elsewhere. Besides, I calculated that his services would be expensive, and I wanted to preserve as much money as I could.

The second divorce attorney I consulted was more welcoming and seemed sincerely interested in me as a person. Unlike the first attorney, she encouraged me to talk about my feelings and emotions. At the end of an hour, she handed me 10 blank sheets of paper and gave me instructions to list every asset Bob and I had. She was going to go after him with all her cannons standing at the ready.

"But all I want is 50% and a fair share," I told her, bewildered. "I still love and respect my husband. I don't want to fight him for every nickel and dime." She, too, gave me sound advice, cautioning me not to date while we were dividing our possessions. But I felt that her position was too adversarial. Her parting words to me were that from her experience he would be hiding his assets from me and that I would never get my fair share. (It turned out she was right. Bob did indeed hide the money he'd inherited from his mother's estate, and he temporarily stopped his consulting business, which represented 50% of his income).

A good friend of mine, a defense lawyer, told me of the minefields to look out for as Bob and I hammered out our financial agreement. My friend had recently represented a client in a divorce. He was her second lawyer. Her first lawyer had eaten up $100,000 in legal fees in two years. Both sides had hunkered down and wouldn't give an inch. In fact, they had been fighting over a $5,000 item which prevented them from settling. Those legal fees represented her pension, investments, and college money for the kids. Her ex had spent a similar amount on lawyer's fees as well. This couple had spent $200,000 in two years and weren't even divorced!

I learned from that lesson. Bob and I consulted a mediator who helped to arbitrate our financial agreement. Even as my heart was breaking, I fought hard for my security. Bob wanted to pay to send me to graduate school and give me 5 years of alimony, making sure I would spend the money wisely. Somehow he had gotten it in his head (despite his buying a boat, $5,000 bike, and a motorcycle, that I was extravagant.) I held out for 50% of our divided assets, no more and no less. I did not want Bob to hold any sway over me in any way after the divorce. If he was so foolish as to let me go, then I wanted a clean break.

I learned to read legal mumbo jumbo, and although one or two things escaped me, we hammered out an agreement that I still find acceptable to this day. Towards the end of the process, both Bob and I consulted different attorneys to write up our divorce document. Each time I made a correction, the document had to be retyped (and I made quite a few corrections.) A lawyer I hired for the occasion read over the final settlement and made a few suggestions.

In rereading the final document he had approved, I caught a few more mistakes and missing items. I recall this lawyer saying to me, "You did well for yourself. Most women wouldn't have gotten half of what you're getting."

Even in my miserable state, I was haughty. "I'm not most women," I answered, feeling that I got exactly what I deserved. My point is this (and I've made it several times in this blog): shop around for a lawyer. If you don't like the first one you meet, keep looking. Cut your losses early and find one that is sympathetic towards the way you want to handle your case. Yes, you'll need legal advice, but in a "friendly" divorce, a mediator might be the best solution.

As you negotiate and pour over the list of your possessions, let go of the picky things. If there had been children involved, I would have definitely consulted a lawyer from the start, but I found that a mediator was the best solution for me. You aren't necessarily saving money, but you are saving yourself a lot of grief and anger. When the last paper was signed and initialed, I was ready to let Bob go. I'd found a full time job with benefits and had been paying the bills for 11 months. One nagging doubt had been silenced: I knew I could go it alone.

In the end, Bob and I had achieved what my lawyer friend said we would feel: That the other spouse had walked away with a slightly better deal.

Divorce Mediation

Mediation: Why Consider Mediation?

Directory of Divorce Mediators

Signs of Depression

As I drove into the driveway I knew something was amiss. The lawn had not been mown. A tree lay on its side, broken in half and blocking half the side yard. Dead shrubs, overgrown bushes, an unswept walkway and porch, and mold growing on the wood siding told me that maintaining the house had grown beyond my friend's control.

As I entered the house and the dog greeted me, I noted that all the doors to the living areas were closed. I entered the kitchen and saw dark spots splattered on the floor. The dog was in heat and my friend had not bothered to clean up the evidence. Dust lay thick on the kitchen counters. Wallpaper that the dog had torn of the walls lay in strips; Christmas decorations were still evident in July. As my friend answered the phone, I walked onto the deck. The chairs were dirty, the hot tub was empty, and an awning was ripped and faded.

I was reminded of Miss Havinsham's rotting wedding banquet. The jilted bride was unable to move on in her life. My dear friend, I realized, was as depressed as this character. He had 'disappeared' a few months ago. His emails had stopped suddenly, and all I could get out of him was that he was busy.

Single, divorced, a caretaker of his aged father, worried about the fluctuating stock market, getting his oldest child ready for college, and struggling to maintain his lifestyle while living in a house much too large for him, I finally saw with my own eyes how far life's events had spun out of his control. Seeing his house made me realize how far into depression he'd sunk.

I have a few occasional days like that. At times life seems overwhelming and all I want to do is sleep. In a blink of an eye my house will start to reflect my state of mind, with dishes lingering in the sink, my bed remaining unmade, and my grass growing too tall. Sometimes it is a struggle to remain happy and sane, especially when funds are tight and the old house needs lots of TLC. In addition, I loved being married. I loved coming home to my mate and sharing my day with him.These days my house is eerily silent.

So, yeah, at times I can relate to my male friend. Seeing his house made me feel strangely better. I'd been hurt because I hadn't heard from him in a while. When I saw his house I knew he meant what he said: he was busy, busy, busy. Knowing him, he'll snap out of this stage soon. At least, I hope so. All I can do is be there for him and support him whenever he needs me, and to keep a careful eye on him.

Links About Depression and Divorce

Men more prone to depression after divorce

After Divorce, Men Are Twice More Likely to Experience Depression

Overcoming Depression After Divorce

Divorce Recovery

Sex as a Single 50-Something

I have no significant other in my life at present. Interestingly, I like my solitary state except in this area: No sex or infrequent sex. Being fastidious, and after having been with only one man for 26 years, the prospect of meeting men and having sex with virtual strangers is offputting.

A number of my single divorced female friends don't care if they never have sex again. In talking to them I found that they settled into a contented single life much faster than me. I, on the other hand, am not willing to give up that aspect of my life. What's a single woman with few prospects of meeting eligible men to do in such a situation?

Find a friend who is single, attractive, and willing to, er, scratch a certain itch when it needs to be scratched. Thankfully, I found such a lovely friend about two years ago. After a failed marriage and a long-term relationship that led nowhere, this man has decided not to marry again. His children are his number one priority, then his job, then his immediate family, and then, far down the list, women.

I would be a fool to want him or to hope for anything else. (Oh, I did for three short months, but he made it clear that there would be no future in our relationship and I am no dummy.) Over time we've settled on an Alan-Alda-Ellen-Burstyn-Same-Time-Next-Year relationship. Only in my case it's Same Time Next Quarter.

When we're together things go well. The relationship is what it is. Nothing more and nothing less. Knowing he is as fastidious as I am gives me peace of mind. My close girlfriend (who has never met him) has inelegantly dubbed him my "f-buddy." For me, his infrequent visits work like a charm. It doesn't hurt that this man is funny, intelligent, and kind. I'm not saying that finding a lover will solve everyone's problems, but it certainly did mine. So far, despite busy schedules and living in different cities, we have managed to see each other about four times this year.

What will I do when I meet someone I'm interested in? I'm a one-man-at-a-time woman, and this lovely man will be the first one to understand when I call things off.

Other links:

Third Age

Fifty and Furthermore: Articles about sex over fifty

Fifty Great Things About Women Over Fifty

Living Alone: Mechanical Skills 101

I just assembled a small table I bought at Ikea. Last week I put two bookcases from Target together. Yesterday I connected my new high definition t.v. and followed the set up instructions to select my cable channels. I'm able to transfer photos from my digital camera, add new peripherals to my computer and CD player, and am about to connect my new DVD player to my new t.v. I've also figured out how to reformat my computer and save my files to an external hard drive.

When I was married I did none of these things. These days, necessity has become the mother of invention. I cannot always depend on the kindness of strangers to help my with ordinary household tasks, so I learned to observe, ask questions, and read the instruction manual.

I ask for help only for the tasks that require strength. It's a brand new world, and frankly, I take pride in these small but essential accomplishments. It hasn't been easy though, and I thank my lucky stars for Henry, the young helpful geek who moved in next door.

Here are some other tips for handling life alone:

Learning to live alone

Making living alone rewarding

Single or divorced? Where am I now?

I’ve been divorced for 6 ½ years. Do I consider myself divorced or single? Both. It depends on who asks.

These days my 26-year-long marriage seems like a distant dream. I still know my ex intimately as I remember him during our marriage, but I wouldn’t recognize him easily today if I saw him walking down the street. I’ve only seen him twice since 2001. He’s aged, gained weight, and looks at me coldly. More than anything it’s those cold eyes that make him a stranger. (Believe me, I still wonder what I’ve done to deserve such censure.)

I've lived alone long enough to know that sharing my house with a new mate would take some mental adjustments. I like doing precisely what I want, when I want, and how I wamt. It would be hard to give up all my space and freedom. Then again, it would be nice to wake up with someone I love in my bed.

I doubt I’ll get married again unless I totally, completely fall for someone who's equally besotted with me. But what are the chances of this happening at my age? I’m 58 years old, though most of my young coworkers place me in my early 40’s. I know my worth, both as an intelligent, talented, and self-sufficient woman, and as a sexy, bright, fun-loving, and inventive lover. I refuse to dumb myself down, and I do not need a man to complete me. This attitude alone turns a lot of men off, and believe me, there aren't many eligible choices lying around.

To complicate matters, I am looking for someone who has been married, loved being married, adores women, and didn’t leave his wife for some obscure reason like “I want something more, Vic” – only to get married to an exact but younger duplicate of me. I want to find someone who has been married before and who values women, and who will love me for my mind, body, and soul. In turn, I will adore such a wonderful and beautiful partner. I have done so fervently before.

I love men. I love their minds, their bodies, and their uncomplicated way of tackling difficult tasks. I love the way they are always available to help me with a hard physical chore. I loved being someone’s mate. So where does this leave me? I don’t know. But I do know this: I intend to live my life to the fullest, love who I am, and be content with what fate has in store for me. Sound simple? No. It’s been a tough battle every step of the way.

Why dating during divorce isn't wise

One of the biggest surprises I had as I went through divorce was when I consulted a lawyer about my legal rights. I assumed that since my husband had abandoned our marriage six months before, I would be free to date. Wrong. The lawyer told me to stay away from any romantic entanglements, or else my husband could accuse me of adultery. Such an action could also affect my final settlement.

There are so many legal pitfalls to be wary of as you go through this painful process. These links leads to important advice, including a previous post I wrote on this subject.

• Divorce Tips and Traps to Avoid: I found many of these to be helpful.

• The Overwhelming Downside to Dating During Divorce

• Dating During Divorce Isn't Wise

Break up and Divorce: Feel the pain and deal with it as it comes

The end of my last truly serious love affair just about killed me. My beau ended our relationship on the 4th anniversary of Bob leaving our marriage. I had met this man only 6 months after Bob left. My separation from my husband was intermingled with my sadness at losing my lifelong mate and the prospect of having this exciting new man in my life.

My new beau's presence masked much of the grieving I should have worked through. Instead of facing utter and total despair, I had a handsome man who was interested in me and wanted to take me out. The moment my divorce papers were signed, we began a full blown relationship. It was the strangest experience. At times I would cry on his chest and he would simply hold me. At other times I experienced the happiest moments of my life, for this man had children and I got a taste of what it was like to be a mother.

But rebound relationships rarely last. My beau was smart enough to notice that I had substituted him for Bob in many ways, especially when I threw parties and entertained friends. The more comfortable I became with him by my side during social get togethers, the more uncomfortable he became.

I should have known the end was near when all of a sudden my beau became "absent," as in no calls during the week and no emails. All of a sudden I saw him only at appointed times, and our dates became rushed because he always had someplace else to go. We spent a beautiful Christmas eve and morning together exchanging packages with his adult son before we separated to spend the holidays with our respective families out of town. I gave him a leather jacket and he gave me a DVD player. No alarm bells went off, just a small feeling of disappointment that there was no ring. When I returned from visiting my family, I saw a note from him in my mailbox. How sweet I thought, until I read the "Dear Vic ..."

I felt I was going to die. All the issues of my break up with Bob that I had been able to lay aside because of this new relationship came rushing at me. Along with having to face the loss of this wonderful man, I had to finally deal with the break up of my marriage, the loss of my father through divorce, and the loss of my son, who I gave up for adoption as an unwed teen mother. Once again I felt the stinging pain of divorce, only this time I was already divorced. Moreover, I felt the pain of all the losses in my life. I was 54 and felt like a useless piece of discarded garbage. One good friend made herself available morning, noon, and night. I called my mother endlessly. Both these loved ones saved me from sinking into a dark and deep depression.

Once again I lost a tremendous amount of weight. Once again I faced a birthday alone, feeling abandoned and discarded. I could not think. I could not work. I feared losing my job. I went to therapy again, only this time my therapist told me I was healed and that my reaction was normal. Feel the pain, she advised. Go with it. Let it all out. Write your feelings down (see post below.)

And I did. It took six months of agonized days and nights, and I had to fight to keep my sense of self-worth, but I emerged strong and healthy and more content than I had been in a long time. My friends had stood at the ready again, but not as intensely. This time I had to take the journey to self recovery largely alone.

In my third relationship, which occured last year, my new beau disappeared around Christmas. On January 3rd I gave him a call and told him what I needed. I could not face a third birthday feeling abandoned, so I asked him to let me go gently. A caring man, he allowed the relationship (a long distance one) to hobble along for another six months, which gave me ample time to get tired of our nonrelationship.

My therapist applauded my strength in taking positive action, although most self help articles will caution you against doing this. My beau was a good and gentle man and he did not play with my emotions. I felt I did what I needed to do to survive. A couple of friends told me I was nuts. Clean breaks are the best, they said. But this is my advice for you: Do what needs to be done for yourself. No one can tell you which actions are right and which ones are wrong. Only you know how you can best recover from a devastating hurt.

I am still friends with the two men I met after my marriage ended. The romance is over but the friendship remains. Of course, I am 58 years old, so this has a lot to do with our joint understanding. I have no connection or relationship with my ex, who has remarried, except for memories and through the objects and photos he left behind. Today I am as much in peace with my situation as I can be, given that I am a woman who loves being with a mate. I am proud of my career and ability to maintain my house, I love my friends and family, and I am often more content than I am not.

One of the best books I read that helped me understand why going through the stages of pain and grief are so important is called Managing Transitions: Making the Most of Change by William Bridges. It's a business book, but it really describes what happens when you rush into beginnings and endings without dealing with the in-between transitions where change, acceptance, and recognition happen. William Bridges gives powerful, powerful advice which is applicable to life situations as well as the work place.

Here's a link that will also help you: Healing after Break Up or Divorce

Continued

As my friend Mary Nell said, "The best revenge is a good life."

Return

Divorce Self Health Tip #1: Write Your Feelings Down

It's 2 a.m. and you are all alone. Your mate has left, telling you your marriage is over, and you are beside yourself with grief.Your chest feels like it is bursting and you can't sleep because of the thousands of thoughts and fears crowding your head.

Get up and write down your feelings. Set them down on paper! (I found that putting pen to paper felt more tactile and personal than using a computer.)

Here are the thoughts I wrote during my most turbulent times. Few are full sentences. Most are hastily written words.

I feel...

betrayed
uncherished
taken for granted
abandoned
neglected
like a burden
restless
lonely
apathetic
sad
empty
unfulfilled
urgency
split
splintered
agony

I am surrounded by...

married couples
people with children
laughter
happy people

I am isolated from....

my husband
my creativity
my former social life

I yearn for ...

my mate
companionship
friendship
acceptance
feeling loved
being wanted
security

I have lost my rudder
I feel isolated
I am refusing invitations
I am reneging on promises

And then I wrote the qualities I liked about myself, such as:

I am a decent loving person
I am talented
I am smart
I am loyal
etc. etc.

I am not saying that writing your thoughts down will give you an instant magic cure and that you will start to sleep better. But over time your need to write every fear down will lessen. As you tackle some seemingly insurmountable problems, the very act of writing down what you plan to do, and what you did and why, will empower you.

The important thing about jotting down your thoughts is that you are creating a dialogue with yourself. The terrified and sad person inside of you begins to communicate with the sane, decent, talented and loving side of you. Try to end your midnight ramblings with positive thoughts. Always allow the good, thinking, sensing person inside of you to have the last say.

I used this technique a lot, and over time it began to work in my favor. I jotted down my fears every day. Then I wrote down the nice things I did for people to counteract all the horrible things I was hearing from Bob during therapy.

I also wrote down my immediate goals and long terms goals; what would make me happy (keeping the house, finding a job with benefits, finding a new mate, becoming financially solvent, etc.); and the steps it would take to achieve those goals. The act of writing down my fears, and then tackling difficult problems by breaking them down into achievable goals turned my negative, self-defeating thoughts into positive action. Plus my daily affirmations gave me strength.

Six and a half years after my divorce I still encounter some of those sheets of paper filled with my grief-stricken thoughts, fears, and tentative plans, and I am amazed how far along I've come.

Maintaining Your House After Divorce

Good news. I kept the house after the divorce. Bad news. Maintenance costs are eating me alive.

Since my divorce I estimate I've put around $20,000 of maintenance costs into my house in cash. Notice I said maintenance, not improvements or redecorating. In the past 24 months I've replaced a worn out stove, refrigerator, washer, and dryer. I've had the ceilings fixed (cracks and water damage) and had the walls painted after 15 years of aging. A plumber has fixed old dripping faucets, and a handyman rescreened the porch and replaced rotting doors. I've had 4 dying, rotting trees removed (at $500 per tree), a driveway regraded so that rain pours away from the garage, and broken gutters mended. Tomorrow some men will come to replace my leaking roof. I estimate this will set me back around $5,000. I say estimate because the men always find something else that needs to be mended or done.

Future maintenance costs will include unclogging a drain pipe, fixing the phone line inside my house, and mending the water damage in my bedroom ceiling. Home improvement costs, such as tearing down walls of tiny rooms to create one large living space, adding built in shelves, and installing crown molding, have cost an additional $6,000.

In the six years since the house became mine, I have replaced almost all the 1950's electrical wiring and plugs, added sensor lights around my house, added kitchen lights in dark corners, added back up heating elements and a whole house fan, and created a practically maintenance free yard with fence and flower beds and large flagstoned areas. Realtors assure me that I will get my investment back in spades, but this is only after I sell my house!

I don't know how much the total renovations cost me - I think around $35,000. I paid cash because I cannot afford to pay interest on loans. I stash 25% of my earnings away in order to pay for taxes and upkeep. Having never seen the money, I don't miss it. I manage to do this on a salary that equals my niece's starting salary (she is 25 years old), and that represents 1/4 of the combined income I once enjoyed with my husband.

My next expenses? A new car to replace my '99 Ford Taurus (I want a Honda next) and a new whole house heat pump. It's time to start saving again! On top of the continual maintenance costs, I must save up for real estate and personal property taxes, not to mention insurance policies.

Whew. No wonder my wardrobe is skimpy and I no longer host great big parties. I can hardly afford my house! Look, I am not complaining. This is the reality of the situation. Just remember that as you divide your assets and fight for hearth and home, that you must account for these inevitable expenses. If you don't, your house will eat you alive.

Cleaning House: Getting Rid of the Last Vestiges of My Marriage

I spent this past weekend tripping down memory lane as I dismantled a bookshelf Bob put up in our guest room 18 years ago. It was a heavy piece of furniture made of oak that had yellowed. Every time I looked at it which was daily, for it sat in my office, I thought of him. We had bought this piece in 1983 just after he'd gotten his first 'real' job, as a tenure bound professor at a major university.

I chucked the unit out yesterday, giving it to my special male friend. He was delighted to receive it and I was ecstatic to get rid of it. However, I had no idea how much stuff this unit held. Out came the books (all 500 of them), and photos I had stashed in the drawers below. Out tumbled a photo a friend had taken of Bob and me when we just got engaged. You could feel the heat and see the love in our eyes. Out tumbled another photo of Bob's graduation from High School, which was the way he looked when we first met.

Having to deal with those reminders was the bad news. The good news is that I felt no pangs of regret. I choose to remember those early good days, the love we felt for each other and the fondness I held for his parents, and in doing so I've reclaimed over half my life.

Still, I have new plans for my office, which will soon have an entirely different, more modern look. The next piece of furniture to go is the file cabinet, also made of oak. First I will have to delve into files that were labeled by Bob and still contain much of his memorabilia. But one step at a time. The day is coming closer when I will be completely over the divorce - and him.

The photo above is not of the two of us.

Dealing with anger during your divorce

I recall once during the most stressful time of my divorce talking to my dear Aunt. She called me once a week to support me. In this instance, I was not receptive. My head was full of the noise of fear and anger crowding in on me, and I could only live, literally, moment to moment. I could not think straight.

She was talking about the future and things I should do, but I could not hear her. In fact, she was increasing my stress. Finally, I cut her short and told her I would be ready to talk another time.

I would call my mother every day, sometimes three times a day, for support. At the beginning she would tell me how much better off I was than other women in my position, and how I was better off without a husband who didn't want me. Did her statements help? No. They devalued my anguish and pain. I would beg her to stop and just listen. I needed to vent. I needed a way to release my pain in a safe environment. I needed - RELIEF!

After weeks of begging she finally understood me and began to listen - just listen. And I was able to let my anger out. I had a safe way to let off steam and say the most ridiculous and hateful things, and still be in the presence of a loving person.

Letting go of all my anger and rage helped me to move on. It was a vital and crucial step in my healing. Mom would remind me, "Five minutes on your pity pot and then you must get off." Those daily five minutes prevented me from saying harmful things to Bob as we negotiated the divorce settlement. Those daily five minutes saved my ASS.

Dealing with your anger during the pain of separating is crucial. Hiding your feelings and soldiering on with your chin up are self-defeating measures. At some point your attempts to hide your hurt and anger will come back to bite you. So get your rage out early. Get it out with someone you can trust. Deal with it.

But I caution you: Though letting go of your anger is crucial, you have only a limited window of time. There is nothing less attractive than a divorced person who bashes their ex spouse for years and years after the papers have been signed. Always bringing up your divorce and spewing vitriol is a sure fire way to lose friends and supporters. Let it go. Don't allow your ex to have such power over you that your life is filled with thoughts of hate and revenge. Move on. Alec Baldwin and Kim Basinger should take my advice.

Here are a few other resources that will help you re-emerge from your divorce relatively unscathed:

• Three Ways to Handle Anger

• Dealing With Couples Anger

• Managing the anger of divorce

• Divorce megasite

• Nine Tips of Dealing With Divorce Stress

Post Divorce Romance Cynic

Before my divorce I read romance novels. I even wrote a few and had signed a contract with a New York agent. She peddled my manuscript to editors who said sweetly that for a first effort the novel was fine, but that I should keep trying. As I completed proofreading my second book my husband left. He said he didn't want me to blame him for not finishing the edits, so he thought he'd wait and drop the D-bomb after I was done.

Wasn't that sweet of him?

That was the end of my budding career as a romance novelist. Back in those days I read a ton of romance novels, and I still have about 200-300 to dispose of. A girlfriend of mine is reading them as fast as she can, and each time she finishes a batch, I dump another couple of grocery bags filled with bodice rippers and chick lit at her doorstep.

I cannot stomach reading them any more. In fact, when I attended a wedding shortly after my divorce, it took all my willpower not to snort out loud and say, "Huh! How long will this marriage last?"
Why have I become so cynical? Because even though I believed in love ever after and in romance; even though my husband plied me with gifts and frequent romantic surprises; and even though we would walk in public holding hands, and sit on the couch in our den and smooch, and talk and laugh every time we went out to dinner, rarely getting bored of each others' thoughts, ideas, and conversation, my so called prince left.

As he dragged half of the furniture out of our house, he told me he would miss our conversations and cozy trips together, "But not much else, Vic."

That's when I turned from a hopeless romantic into a world class cynic. I did not smooch with my new beau. I didn't attempt to hold hands with hot date #3. And I no longer give surprise gifts or believe in any of the trappings of romance. I'm ready for a grown up relationship now - one of mutual respect, deep and loyal love, and promises that will be kept. I know I possess those qualities in spades, but the question is: "Will I ever trust a man enough to find out if he does?"

See more Ann Telnaes cartoons here.

Well, the situation could have been worse. We could have been living in the limbo of non divorce, and then I would have had to put up with his non interest.
Click here for the story.

Dating After 50

Dating. Uggh. I hate the term. The whole concept is new to me, even though I have been divorced for six and a half years. I met my last significant boyfriend (another term I hate) shortly after Bob and I separated. My new beau and I began a four-year relationship soon after my divorce.

Since my break up with my post-divorce beau, I have had two "pure" dates. The first was magical and it led to a short intense 3-month relationship. The second date was a disaster. The fellow met me at a strip mall Mexican Restaurant and only ordered an appetizer. Needless to say, I did not order an entree over $9.95. Since he ordered beer, I stuck with cheap wine. This gentleman had been married three times, worked the night shift at a local cigarette factory, and was living with his mother. The date lasted two hours as he nursed his one beer and I my one wine. Afterwards this man told me that I was special and that he would like to see me a second time. No thanks.

Yesterday I held a 4th of July party and invited 14 people for a cook out. One of my guests was my ex beau, the one I met shortly after my separation from Bob. We broke up two and a half years ago. He, his son, and his son's girlfriend arrived, and it was like the years fell away. My old beau stoked up the grill, his son helped to entertain the guests, and I cooked the meal. The day was so cozy and comfortable, with them moving about my house easily and interacting familiarly with my other guests. But as the day came to a close, I found myself alone with my dog.

Last night, bittersweet nostalgia swept over me. My old beau and I truly care for each other. In fact, I can honestly say I love him and miss him. He loves me too and he obviously wanted to stay. So what was the problem?

Faithfulness.

Not that I necessarily want to get married, but if I am going to sleep with a man, I expect exclusivity. And that loyalty just wasn't there. My sweet, wonderful friend is eye candy to women and he, like the Warren Beatty of old, loves them all. And that was the problem. My wonderful handsome friend is a serial monogamist. He flits from woman to woman, and is committed to one at a time, usually for two or three months or so. The fact that I lasted four years astounded our acquaintances. Oh, he's slowing down as he gets older, but he is still open to the possibilities of exploring a relationship with women he has yet to meet.

And I am too proud and fastidious to put up with that.

Because of my old beau's good looks and his sweet ways, women are drawn to him like monarch butterflies to a butterfly bush. He is irresistible. And so he has no trouble flitting. So, sadly and with regret, even though I received the invitation to, ahem, spend a splendid night of passion, I let him go home. He received my gentle no as a gentleman, not begging or playing games. Then he simply hugged me and walked away.

I let him go with only a slight pang.

We are friends. That is all. Deep, loving, mutual friends. I cannot tell you the number of times we have come to each others' rescue since our break up. This kind of friendship IS possible between a man and a woman. Don't let all the naysayers tell you it isn't. Oh, sure there are sexual overtones, and when we are seeing others (more about this later) we don't interact. But when we both are free with no significant others lurking in the background, our friendship reverts to the easy old ways. It took us a year to arrive at this juncture, and it took some mental gymnastics on my part. But when a friend of mine wisely counseled me that life is too short to lose someone you truly love and respect, her words freed me.

At this stage of my life I would rather spend time with a dear friend than with a stranger who is a lousy date. It is that simple. Oh, and lest you think I am a fool for love, we rarely communicate with or see each other. Only when it counts.

So, as you begin to date again, remember that not all the men you meet are going to be potential spouses. Some are a lousy date. Some are potential mate material. And some will simply make the best friend you will ever have.

Take sound advice from friends ...

... and leave the word "but" out of your vocabulary.

It's unfortunate that during one of the most stressful periods of your life you are forced to make life altering decisions. Unless you prepared for this event coolly and dispassionately ahead of time, you will find yourself forced to make one bewildering decision after another. Yet, if you are anything like I was, you are hard pressed to think straight, much less make sound and thoughtful choices.

Enter your family and friends. As I have discussed in previous posts, do not indiscriminately share all your feelings with everyone. Choose your listeners wisely. Click here on what I have written about this topic.

Once you have solicited your friends for advice, LISTEN. Do not interrupt. Do not use the word, "but." And here is why:

1. The friends you have chosen have your best interest at heart.
2. They are talking logically.
3. They are offering you a different perspective.
4. Closing off other options will leave you with fewer choices.
5. Brainstorming even the silliest ideas will sometimes take you to a different, better path.
6. Sometimes it takes weeks for their advice to sink in or for you to understand it.

If, on the other hand, you immediately say "but", this is what happens

1. You are closing your mind off and aren't actively listening.
2. Your friends will feel devalued.
3. After hearing "but" too many times, their sound advice will dry off.

This is what happened to me last year: An old friend turned to me for advice, which I gave her. The situation was dire. Her significant other, whom she had kicked out of her house the year before, had come back and moved in with her again. He had shown symptoms of violence before, and she was afraid to kick him out again. I solicited the advice of a mutual friend, a lawyer, found her a "safe" house to live in (my parents), and, along with the lawyer, created a time line of how to get rid of the bum, including notifying the police, changing the locks in her house, and moving into the safe house for the duration. I spent hours talking to her, assuring her we would back her up and help her when the time came.

Guess what happened. "But, but, but, but ..." She is still living with him. Worse, when she began to talk the same talk in April, I remained quiet. What was the point? I knew that for whatever reason she decided to stay with him, all she needed from me this time was the ability to vent. Why waste my breath again? To be fair to her, she has told me over and over that just knowing I care had lifted a burden from her heart.

So, as you solicit your friends for ideas, use your active listening skills and listen closely,asking questions only to clarify. Thank your friends for their advice, then tell them the truth: That you will take what they said to heart and mull their ideas over. Then, after the dust has settled, invite them over for dinner and let them know what a difference they've made in your life. When you need them again, believe me, they'll be there.

Become an Active Verb During Your Divorce

During the stress of divorce, strike "would, should, and could" from your vocabulary. These words have no place in your life just now - they will only hurt you.

You know yourself better than anyone. If you were a loving, supportive, and kind spouse, do not let your divorcing spouse accuse you of having behaved in any other way.

During my marriage I thought about my husband's well being night and day. I would go to the grocery store and ask myself, "What would Bob like?" I would think as he was traveling, "I wonder what Bob is doing just now?" And while he was at work, I would clean the house the way he liked, purchase his favorite soft drinks, and eagerly look forward to his return home. I had my own active life, so I didn't drop everything that nurtured me to accommodate him, but he was my number one priority.

During my divorce and shortly afterward he said he regarded my love for him a sham. "It was just for show, Vic." He did not believe I loved him.

But I knew what I had thought and felt during my marriage, and although it hurt me to know that he did not value my brand of loving, he could not shake my knowledge that for 32 years, through 6 years of dating and 26 years of marriage, he was the most important person in my life. I did not allow him to rewrite our history in my head, and I still cling to the belief that whatever mistakes I made (and there were plenty), I could not have loved him more.

We cannot make others happy. We can love our spouses, support them, make them our priority, and tell them we need them, but I fervently believe that we cannot "complete" them. There is a journey that each one of us must travel alone. Oh, the quest is easier when one basks in the love and support of a spouse, but when that spouse expects you to fill an empty hole within his soul, well, nothing you do, nothing you say, nothing you give can fill that needy, bottomless pit.

I found this out the hard way. The irony was, that as I matured and found fulfillment in my life through my creativity, my husband became deeply unhappy and restless. One of the last statements he made to me was that while he was able to make me happy, I could not do the same in return.

Not true. Before I learned that you cannot make another person happy, I tried to make Bob happy as best I could, whether it was through traveling to places he liked, or attending business dinners, or inviting his friends over, or loving his family as my own. But my attempts were never good enough. So, when Bob said he was leaving, the one truth I clung to and the one thing that I knew to be true was that I was the best wife I could possibly be. Bob's words hurt, but they did not strike my inner core. Interestingly, my nature is to settle back into contentment and happiness after I have dealt with the issues of a major catastrophic event. I venture to say that 6 1/2 years after our divorce I am as content as I have ever been. (And I strongly suspect Bob is still unhappy.)

As you and your spouse go your separate ways, be kind to yourself. Think of yourself as an active verb. You are good. You are loving. You are a spectacular person. And this world is a better place because you are in it.

Old Friends

Old friends visited this past week, two who go all the way back with me to college, and two who once belonged to our "tennis group" but who divorced five years before me. Of the four, three of us are divorced and one has remarried.

This was a trip down memory lane, which I find so important now that I have no one close to me who can share those special old times. In each instance my friends and I did something we used to do together, such as listen to music or fix a great meal together.

One of the couples who visited was once married, but she left him ten years ago. They arrived together in order to attend parent orientation at a local college. The divorce was acrimonious at first, but because they shared custody of three girls they had to find a way to get along. She has remarried and is as happy as I've ever seen her. But she and her children went on a roller coaster ride before settling down again. The oldest girl, 12 at the time of the divorce, acted out her anger, doing poorly in school, hanging out with the wrong crowd, and running away from home on several occasions. The youngest emerged relatively unscathed, but the middle child chose not to live with her mother and their relationship has never gotten back on track.

One friend, a male, and I had a long discussion about the fact that even if our spouses wanted us back, we had moved so far along that we wouldn't want them. Neither of us thinks we want to marry again, which surprised us, since we were the two who fought hardest to keep our marriages intact.

It was a pleasant week, filled with memories, some going all the way back to 1969. Yes, I miss having that significant other in my life and those cozy dinners at another couples' house. But I am amazed at how far along we four friends have traveled and how strong we have become.

Fathers are so important

As a child of divorce I was always searching for my father. My parents separated when I was 6 months old, and divorced when I turned three. My brother and I visited our father on Sundays for half a day until he moved so far away that my brother never saw him again. I made an attempt to see him when I was in college and saw him twice in adulthood.

Be that as it may, I have searched for my father all my life. His loss informed my childhood. I cried. I ranted. I railed. A psychologist examined my brother and me and declared my brother fragile. He said I was resilient and that I would survive. My mother took his words to heart, and concentrated on healing my brother, who is 18 months older than me.

Even as people told me I was fine, I bled inside. I thought that if I concentrated on being a good girl, if I just followed the rules, then my father would return. But he didn't. And being a young girl with a great big will I demanded to see him many times and in a loud voice. When I got older, my mother and stepfather and other relatives told me that they didn't know what to do with me in those days.

I was simply a little girl who was grieving. I needed to be held and told I was ok. But my mother worked all day and had two young children to raise on her own, and she in turn was exhausted.

I developed asthma and insomnia, and I would rock myself to sleep. And always, always, I knew I was the reason that my father had left us. I was wracked with guilt, and I remember being envious of all the good little girls who still had their fathers.

What would have assuaged my tiny broken heart? I don't know. That nameless, faceless psychologist did me no favor. Years later my mother apologized for not realizing how damaged I was. The result of those early fatherless years appeared during my teen years. I would be so devastated when a boyfriend broke up with me, that my family feared for my sanity. After the first two break ups, I did anything and everything to keep a relationship going. Which meant being a good girl and never saying no.

I married a man with a stable family, and I was determined to stay married to him. My children would not be children of divorce. And always, always I was a good little girl, doing exactly what my husband asked of me, and sublimating my own ambitions in order to please him.

Dads play such an important role in their children's upbringing. Even if parents must divorce (and there are times when this is the only option), it is so important afterwards that children still feel equally loved and desired by both parents. Absentee fathers and mothers damage their children almost beyond repair. I was well into my fifties before I understood the full consequences of my father's abandonment.

So on this Father's Day, I hope all divorced fathers will contact their children (or are receptive to their children's overtures.) And I hope that all divorced mothers can lay their differences with their exes aside for the sake of the children, and allow fathers to have a full role in their kid's lives.

Image from http://www.trevorromain.com/blog/archives/2006/08/