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As my friend Mary Nell said, "The best revenge is a good life."

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Divorce Self Health Tip #1: Write Your Feelings Down

It's 2 a.m. and you are all alone. Your mate has left, telling you your marriage is over, and you are beside yourself with grief.Your chest feels like it is bursting and you can't sleep because of the thousands of thoughts and fears crowding your head.

Get up and write down your feelings. Set them down on paper! (I found that putting pen to paper felt more tactile and personal than using a computer.)

Here are the thoughts I wrote during my most turbulent times. Few are full sentences. Most are hastily written words.

I feel...

betrayed
uncherished
taken for granted
abandoned
neglected
like a burden
restless
lonely
apathetic
sad
empty
unfulfilled
urgency
split
splintered
agony

I am surrounded by...

married couples
people with children
laughter
happy people

I am isolated from....

my husband
my creativity
my former social life

I yearn for ...

my mate
companionship
friendship
acceptance
feeling loved
being wanted
security

I have lost my rudder
I feel isolated
I am refusing invitations
I am reneging on promises

And then I wrote the qualities I liked about myself, such as:

I am a decent loving person
I am talented
I am smart
I am loyal
etc. etc.

I am not saying that writing your thoughts down will give you an instant magic cure and that you will start to sleep better. But over time your need to write every fear down will lessen. As you tackle some seemingly insurmountable problems, the very act of writing down what you plan to do, and what you did and why, will empower you.

The important thing about jotting down your thoughts is that you are creating a dialogue with yourself. The terrified and sad person inside of you begins to communicate with the sane, decent, talented and loving side of you. Try to end your midnight ramblings with positive thoughts. Always allow the good, thinking, sensing person inside of you to have the last say.

I used this technique a lot, and over time it began to work in my favor. I jotted down my fears every day. Then I wrote down the nice things I did for people to counteract all the horrible things I was hearing from Bob during therapy.

I also wrote down my immediate goals and long terms goals; what would make me happy (keeping the house, finding a job with benefits, finding a new mate, becoming financially solvent, etc.); and the steps it would take to achieve those goals. The act of writing down my fears, and then tackling difficult problems by breaking them down into achievable goals turned my negative, self-defeating thoughts into positive action. Plus my daily affirmations gave me strength.

Six and a half years after my divorce I still encounter some of those sheets of paper filled with my grief-stricken thoughts, fears, and tentative plans, and I am amazed how far along I've come.

Maintaining Your House After Divorce

Good news. I kept the house after the divorce. Bad news. Maintenance costs are eating me alive.

Since my divorce I estimate I've put around $20,000 of maintenance costs into my house in cash. Notice I said maintenance, not improvements or redecorating. In the past 24 months I've replaced a worn out stove, refrigerator, washer, and dryer. I've had the ceilings fixed (cracks and water damage) and had the walls painted after 15 years of aging. A plumber has fixed old dripping faucets, and a handyman rescreened the porch and replaced rotting doors. I've had 4 dying, rotting trees removed (at $500 per tree), a driveway regraded so that rain pours away from the garage, and broken gutters mended. Tomorrow some men will come to replace my leaking roof. I estimate this will set me back around $5,000. I say estimate because the men always find something else that needs to be mended or done.

Future maintenance costs will include unclogging a drain pipe, fixing the phone line inside my house, and mending the water damage in my bedroom ceiling. Home improvement costs, such as tearing down walls of tiny rooms to create one large living space, adding built in shelves, and installing crown molding, have cost an additional $6,000.

In the six years since the house became mine, I have replaced almost all the 1950's electrical wiring and plugs, added sensor lights around my house, added kitchen lights in dark corners, added back up heating elements and a whole house fan, and created a practically maintenance free yard with fence and flower beds and large flagstoned areas. Realtors assure me that I will get my investment back in spades, but this is only after I sell my house!

I don't know how much the total renovations cost me - I think around $35,000. I paid cash because I cannot afford to pay interest on loans. I stash 25% of my earnings away in order to pay for taxes and upkeep. Having never seen the money, I don't miss it. I manage to do this on a salary that equals my niece's starting salary (she is 25 years old), and that represents 1/4 of the combined income I once enjoyed with my husband.

My next expenses? A new car to replace my '99 Ford Taurus (I want a Honda next) and a new whole house heat pump. It's time to start saving again! On top of the continual maintenance costs, I must save up for real estate and personal property taxes, not to mention insurance policies.

Whew. No wonder my wardrobe is skimpy and I no longer host great big parties. I can hardly afford my house! Look, I am not complaining. This is the reality of the situation. Just remember that as you divide your assets and fight for hearth and home, that you must account for these inevitable expenses. If you don't, your house will eat you alive.

Cleaning House: Getting Rid of the Last Vestiges of My Marriage

I spent this past weekend tripping down memory lane as I dismantled a bookshelf Bob put up in our guest room 18 years ago. It was a heavy piece of furniture made of oak that had yellowed. Every time I looked at it which was daily, for it sat in my office, I thought of him. We had bought this piece in 1983 just after he'd gotten his first 'real' job, as a tenure bound professor at a major university.

I chucked the unit out yesterday, giving it to my special male friend. He was delighted to receive it and I was ecstatic to get rid of it. However, I had no idea how much stuff this unit held. Out came the books (all 500 of them), and photos I had stashed in the drawers below. Out tumbled a photo a friend had taken of Bob and me when we just got engaged. You could feel the heat and see the love in our eyes. Out tumbled another photo of Bob's graduation from High School, which was the way he looked when we first met.

Having to deal with those reminders was the bad news. The good news is that I felt no pangs of regret. I choose to remember those early good days, the love we felt for each other and the fondness I held for his parents, and in doing so I've reclaimed over half my life.

Still, I have new plans for my office, which will soon have an entirely different, more modern look. The next piece of furniture to go is the file cabinet, also made of oak. First I will have to delve into files that were labeled by Bob and still contain much of his memorabilia. But one step at a time. The day is coming closer when I will be completely over the divorce - and him.

The photo above is not of the two of us.

Dealing with anger during your divorce

I recall once during the most stressful time of my divorce talking to my dear Aunt. She called me once a week to support me. In this instance, I was not receptive. My head was full of the noise of fear and anger crowding in on me, and I could only live, literally, moment to moment. I could not think straight.

She was talking about the future and things I should do, but I could not hear her. In fact, she was increasing my stress. Finally, I cut her short and told her I would be ready to talk another time.

I would call my mother every day, sometimes three times a day, for support. At the beginning she would tell me how much better off I was than other women in my position, and how I was better off without a husband who didn't want me. Did her statements help? No. They devalued my anguish and pain. I would beg her to stop and just listen. I needed to vent. I needed a way to release my pain in a safe environment. I needed - RELIEF!

After weeks of begging she finally understood me and began to listen - just listen. And I was able to let my anger out. I had a safe way to let off steam and say the most ridiculous and hateful things, and still be in the presence of a loving person.

Letting go of all my anger and rage helped me to move on. It was a vital and crucial step in my healing. Mom would remind me, "Five minutes on your pity pot and then you must get off." Those daily five minutes prevented me from saying harmful things to Bob as we negotiated the divorce settlement. Those daily five minutes saved my ASS.

Dealing with your anger during the pain of separating is crucial. Hiding your feelings and soldiering on with your chin up are self-defeating measures. At some point your attempts to hide your hurt and anger will come back to bite you. So get your rage out early. Get it out with someone you can trust. Deal with it.

But I caution you: Though letting go of your anger is crucial, you have only a limited window of time. There is nothing less attractive than a divorced person who bashes their ex spouse for years and years after the papers have been signed. Always bringing up your divorce and spewing vitriol is a sure fire way to lose friends and supporters. Let it go. Don't allow your ex to have such power over you that your life is filled with thoughts of hate and revenge. Move on. Alec Baldwin and Kim Basinger should take my advice.

Here are a few other resources that will help you re-emerge from your divorce relatively unscathed:

• Three Ways to Handle Anger

• Dealing With Couples Anger

• Managing the anger of divorce

• Divorce megasite

• Nine Tips of Dealing With Divorce Stress

Post Divorce Romance Cynic

Before my divorce I read romance novels. I even wrote a few and had signed a contract with a New York agent. She peddled my manuscript to editors who said sweetly that for a first effort the novel was fine, but that I should keep trying. As I completed proofreading my second book my husband left. He said he didn't want me to blame him for not finishing the edits, so he thought he'd wait and drop the D-bomb after I was done.

Wasn't that sweet of him?

That was the end of my budding career as a romance novelist. Back in those days I read a ton of romance novels, and I still have about 200-300 to dispose of. A girlfriend of mine is reading them as fast as she can, and each time she finishes a batch, I dump another couple of grocery bags filled with bodice rippers and chick lit at her doorstep.

I cannot stomach reading them any more. In fact, when I attended a wedding shortly after my divorce, it took all my willpower not to snort out loud and say, "Huh! How long will this marriage last?"
Why have I become so cynical? Because even though I believed in love ever after and in romance; even though my husband plied me with gifts and frequent romantic surprises; and even though we would walk in public holding hands, and sit on the couch in our den and smooch, and talk and laugh every time we went out to dinner, rarely getting bored of each others' thoughts, ideas, and conversation, my so called prince left.

As he dragged half of the furniture out of our house, he told me he would miss our conversations and cozy trips together, "But not much else, Vic."

That's when I turned from a hopeless romantic into a world class cynic. I did not smooch with my new beau. I didn't attempt to hold hands with hot date #3. And I no longer give surprise gifts or believe in any of the trappings of romance. I'm ready for a grown up relationship now - one of mutual respect, deep and loyal love, and promises that will be kept. I know I possess those qualities in spades, but the question is: "Will I ever trust a man enough to find out if he does?"

See more Ann Telnaes cartoons here.

Well, the situation could have been worse. We could have been living in the limbo of non divorce, and then I would have had to put up with his non interest.
Click here for the story.

Dating After 50

Dating. Uggh. I hate the term. The whole concept is new to me, even though I have been divorced for six and a half years. I met my last significant boyfriend (another term I hate) shortly after Bob and I separated. My new beau and I began a four-year relationship soon after my divorce.

Since my break up with my post-divorce beau, I have had two "pure" dates. The first was magical and it led to a short intense 3-month relationship. The second date was a disaster. The fellow met me at a strip mall Mexican Restaurant and only ordered an appetizer. Needless to say, I did not order an entree over $9.95. Since he ordered beer, I stuck with cheap wine. This gentleman had been married three times, worked the night shift at a local cigarette factory, and was living with his mother. The date lasted two hours as he nursed his one beer and I my one wine. Afterwards this man told me that I was special and that he would like to see me a second time. No thanks.

Yesterday I held a 4th of July party and invited 14 people for a cook out. One of my guests was my ex beau, the one I met shortly after my separation from Bob. We broke up two and a half years ago. He, his son, and his son's girlfriend arrived, and it was like the years fell away. My old beau stoked up the grill, his son helped to entertain the guests, and I cooked the meal. The day was so cozy and comfortable, with them moving about my house easily and interacting familiarly with my other guests. But as the day came to a close, I found myself alone with my dog.

Last night, bittersweet nostalgia swept over me. My old beau and I truly care for each other. In fact, I can honestly say I love him and miss him. He loves me too and he obviously wanted to stay. So what was the problem?

Faithfulness.

Not that I necessarily want to get married, but if I am going to sleep with a man, I expect exclusivity. And that loyalty just wasn't there. My sweet, wonderful friend is eye candy to women and he, like the Warren Beatty of old, loves them all. And that was the problem. My wonderful handsome friend is a serial monogamist. He flits from woman to woman, and is committed to one at a time, usually for two or three months or so. The fact that I lasted four years astounded our acquaintances. Oh, he's slowing down as he gets older, but he is still open to the possibilities of exploring a relationship with women he has yet to meet.

And I am too proud and fastidious to put up with that.

Because of my old beau's good looks and his sweet ways, women are drawn to him like monarch butterflies to a butterfly bush. He is irresistible. And so he has no trouble flitting. So, sadly and with regret, even though I received the invitation to, ahem, spend a splendid night of passion, I let him go home. He received my gentle no as a gentleman, not begging or playing games. Then he simply hugged me and walked away.

I let him go with only a slight pang.

We are friends. That is all. Deep, loving, mutual friends. I cannot tell you the number of times we have come to each others' rescue since our break up. This kind of friendship IS possible between a man and a woman. Don't let all the naysayers tell you it isn't. Oh, sure there are sexual overtones, and when we are seeing others (more about this later) we don't interact. But when we both are free with no significant others lurking in the background, our friendship reverts to the easy old ways. It took us a year to arrive at this juncture, and it took some mental gymnastics on my part. But when a friend of mine wisely counseled me that life is too short to lose someone you truly love and respect, her words freed me.

At this stage of my life I would rather spend time with a dear friend than with a stranger who is a lousy date. It is that simple. Oh, and lest you think I am a fool for love, we rarely communicate with or see each other. Only when it counts.

So, as you begin to date again, remember that not all the men you meet are going to be potential spouses. Some are a lousy date. Some are potential mate material. And some will simply make the best friend you will ever have.

Take sound advice from friends ...

... and leave the word "but" out of your vocabulary.

It's unfortunate that during one of the most stressful periods of your life you are forced to make life altering decisions. Unless you prepared for this event coolly and dispassionately ahead of time, you will find yourself forced to make one bewildering decision after another. Yet, if you are anything like I was, you are hard pressed to think straight, much less make sound and thoughtful choices.

Enter your family and friends. As I have discussed in previous posts, do not indiscriminately share all your feelings with everyone. Choose your listeners wisely. Click here on what I have written about this topic.

Once you have solicited your friends for advice, LISTEN. Do not interrupt. Do not use the word, "but." And here is why:

1. The friends you have chosen have your best interest at heart.
2. They are talking logically.
3. They are offering you a different perspective.
4. Closing off other options will leave you with fewer choices.
5. Brainstorming even the silliest ideas will sometimes take you to a different, better path.
6. Sometimes it takes weeks for their advice to sink in or for you to understand it.

If, on the other hand, you immediately say "but", this is what happens

1. You are closing your mind off and aren't actively listening.
2. Your friends will feel devalued.
3. After hearing "but" too many times, their sound advice will dry off.

This is what happened to me last year: An old friend turned to me for advice, which I gave her. The situation was dire. Her significant other, whom she had kicked out of her house the year before, had come back and moved in with her again. He had shown symptoms of violence before, and she was afraid to kick him out again. I solicited the advice of a mutual friend, a lawyer, found her a "safe" house to live in (my parents), and, along with the lawyer, created a time line of how to get rid of the bum, including notifying the police, changing the locks in her house, and moving into the safe house for the duration. I spent hours talking to her, assuring her we would back her up and help her when the time came.

Guess what happened. "But, but, but, but ..." She is still living with him. Worse, when she began to talk the same talk in April, I remained quiet. What was the point? I knew that for whatever reason she decided to stay with him, all she needed from me this time was the ability to vent. Why waste my breath again? To be fair to her, she has told me over and over that just knowing I care had lifted a burden from her heart.

So, as you solicit your friends for ideas, use your active listening skills and listen closely,asking questions only to clarify. Thank your friends for their advice, then tell them the truth: That you will take what they said to heart and mull their ideas over. Then, after the dust has settled, invite them over for dinner and let them know what a difference they've made in your life. When you need them again, believe me, they'll be there.

Become an Active Verb During Your Divorce

During the stress of divorce, strike "would, should, and could" from your vocabulary. These words have no place in your life just now - they will only hurt you.

You know yourself better than anyone. If you were a loving, supportive, and kind spouse, do not let your divorcing spouse accuse you of having behaved in any other way.

During my marriage I thought about my husband's well being night and day. I would go to the grocery store and ask myself, "What would Bob like?" I would think as he was traveling, "I wonder what Bob is doing just now?" And while he was at work, I would clean the house the way he liked, purchase his favorite soft drinks, and eagerly look forward to his return home. I had my own active life, so I didn't drop everything that nurtured me to accommodate him, but he was my number one priority.

During my divorce and shortly afterward he said he regarded my love for him a sham. "It was just for show, Vic." He did not believe I loved him.

But I knew what I had thought and felt during my marriage, and although it hurt me to know that he did not value my brand of loving, he could not shake my knowledge that for 32 years, through 6 years of dating and 26 years of marriage, he was the most important person in my life. I did not allow him to rewrite our history in my head, and I still cling to the belief that whatever mistakes I made (and there were plenty), I could not have loved him more.

We cannot make others happy. We can love our spouses, support them, make them our priority, and tell them we need them, but I fervently believe that we cannot "complete" them. There is a journey that each one of us must travel alone. Oh, the quest is easier when one basks in the love and support of a spouse, but when that spouse expects you to fill an empty hole within his soul, well, nothing you do, nothing you say, nothing you give can fill that needy, bottomless pit.

I found this out the hard way. The irony was, that as I matured and found fulfillment in my life through my creativity, my husband became deeply unhappy and restless. One of the last statements he made to me was that while he was able to make me happy, I could not do the same in return.

Not true. Before I learned that you cannot make another person happy, I tried to make Bob happy as best I could, whether it was through traveling to places he liked, or attending business dinners, or inviting his friends over, or loving his family as my own. But my attempts were never good enough. So, when Bob said he was leaving, the one truth I clung to and the one thing that I knew to be true was that I was the best wife I could possibly be. Bob's words hurt, but they did not strike my inner core. Interestingly, my nature is to settle back into contentment and happiness after I have dealt with the issues of a major catastrophic event. I venture to say that 6 1/2 years after our divorce I am as content as I have ever been. (And I strongly suspect Bob is still unhappy.)

As you and your spouse go your separate ways, be kind to yourself. Think of yourself as an active verb. You are good. You are loving. You are a spectacular person. And this world is a better place because you are in it.

Old Friends

Old friends visited this past week, two who go all the way back with me to college, and two who once belonged to our "tennis group" but who divorced five years before me. Of the four, three of us are divorced and one has remarried.

This was a trip down memory lane, which I find so important now that I have no one close to me who can share those special old times. In each instance my friends and I did something we used to do together, such as listen to music or fix a great meal together.

One of the couples who visited was once married, but she left him ten years ago. They arrived together in order to attend parent orientation at a local college. The divorce was acrimonious at first, but because they shared custody of three girls they had to find a way to get along. She has remarried and is as happy as I've ever seen her. But she and her children went on a roller coaster ride before settling down again. The oldest girl, 12 at the time of the divorce, acted out her anger, doing poorly in school, hanging out with the wrong crowd, and running away from home on several occasions. The youngest emerged relatively unscathed, but the middle child chose not to live with her mother and their relationship has never gotten back on track.

One friend, a male, and I had a long discussion about the fact that even if our spouses wanted us back, we had moved so far along that we wouldn't want them. Neither of us thinks we want to marry again, which surprised us, since we were the two who fought hardest to keep our marriages intact.

It was a pleasant week, filled with memories, some going all the way back to 1969. Yes, I miss having that significant other in my life and those cozy dinners at another couples' house. But I am amazed at how far along we four friends have traveled and how strong we have become.

Fathers are so important

As a child of divorce I was always searching for my father. My parents separated when I was 6 months old, and divorced when I turned three. My brother and I visited our father on Sundays for half a day until he moved so far away that my brother never saw him again. I made an attempt to see him when I was in college and saw him twice in adulthood.

Be that as it may, I have searched for my father all my life. His loss informed my childhood. I cried. I ranted. I railed. A psychologist examined my brother and me and declared my brother fragile. He said I was resilient and that I would survive. My mother took his words to heart, and concentrated on healing my brother, who is 18 months older than me.

Even as people told me I was fine, I bled inside. I thought that if I concentrated on being a good girl, if I just followed the rules, then my father would return. But he didn't. And being a young girl with a great big will I demanded to see him many times and in a loud voice. When I got older, my mother and stepfather and other relatives told me that they didn't know what to do with me in those days.

I was simply a little girl who was grieving. I needed to be held and told I was ok. But my mother worked all day and had two young children to raise on her own, and she in turn was exhausted.

I developed asthma and insomnia, and I would rock myself to sleep. And always, always, I knew I was the reason that my father had left us. I was wracked with guilt, and I remember being envious of all the good little girls who still had their fathers.

What would have assuaged my tiny broken heart? I don't know. That nameless, faceless psychologist did me no favor. Years later my mother apologized for not realizing how damaged I was. The result of those early fatherless years appeared during my teen years. I would be so devastated when a boyfriend broke up with me, that my family feared for my sanity. After the first two break ups, I did anything and everything to keep a relationship going. Which meant being a good girl and never saying no.

I married a man with a stable family, and I was determined to stay married to him. My children would not be children of divorce. And always, always I was a good little girl, doing exactly what my husband asked of me, and sublimating my own ambitions in order to please him.

Dads play such an important role in their children's upbringing. Even if parents must divorce (and there are times when this is the only option), it is so important afterwards that children still feel equally loved and desired by both parents. Absentee fathers and mothers damage their children almost beyond repair. I was well into my fifties before I understood the full consequences of my father's abandonment.

So on this Father's Day, I hope all divorced fathers will contact their children (or are receptive to their children's overtures.) And I hope that all divorced mothers can lay their differences with their exes aside for the sake of the children, and allow fathers to have a full role in their kid's lives.

Image from http://www.trevorromain.com/blog/archives/2006/08/

Not feeling like a failure

It's tough not feeling like a failure after divorce. I was watching Kathy Griffin on My Life on The D-List. This comedienne is brash, tough, saucy, and irreverent. Yet when she spoke about her divorce, her eyes teared up, her voice thickened, and I could hear her anguish when she admitted, "I feel like such a failure." It was the one serious moment in an otherwise hilarious show.
Those words resonate with me to the extent that I can't get Kathy's statement out of my head. My family is Roman Catholic, and yet my parents divorced when I was 3 years old. My entire childhood felt like a stigma. Everyone else's parents were married, but mine were not. Being a child, I felt that if I was just a little bit better, if I was good enough and behaved, then Mom and Dad would get back together again.

In addition, my grandmother, who was a staunch, old-fashioned Catholic, just wouldn't leave the divorce alone. She kept discussing it whenever my brother and I came to visit. We would lurk in a corner as she harangued us about my mother and the situation. We came away feeling that the divorce was all our fault, and it affected our relationship with our grandmother, who we never quite learned to love.

Fast forward to when I chose my husband. I fell in love with his stable family almost as much as I fell in love with him. His mom and dad had been married all his life. Better yet, he had grown up in the town he'd been born in. I mixed his family up with Donna Reed and Father Knows Best - the two families I craved most - and being so full of Catholic guilt, and so young and naive, I just didn't know any better.

This child of divorce was so determined not to get divorced herself, that when the worst thing that could possibly happen did, my jerry-rigged world shattered. Since then I've dealt with the loss; but I am still dealing with not feeling like a failure.

Learn more about Children and Divorce on this site. Click here.

Starter Wife, 2

Too bad. Starter Wife, which I so enjoyed in its first week, has completely degenerated into an unrecognizable soap opera. Instead of dealing with the issue of divorce and separation in any realistic way (there were at least a few moments of truth in the first episode), we find our heroine falling in love with a homeless man, the head of a movie studio missing, and an odd assortment of people moving into her beach house.

Divorce isn't entertaining, but couldn't they have interjected some elements of realism into Episode Two? Ah, well. This new development will free up my Thursday evenings.

Dividing one's assets

As I was going through my separation, I recall a conversation I had with a young co-worker. She was 27 years old, an art student, and she’d been divorced for one year. Her marriage had lasted five years. During the bulk of it, both she and her husband had been students. She told me grandly that she didn’t believe in any woman asking for alimony or asking for anything from her ex. She had left her marriage with nothing, and she felt that all women should do the same.

I looked at her astounded, saying, “I am only asking for 50%, nothing more and nothing less.” I wasn’t even asking for alimony. In fact, at the time, 50% of my salary went to Bob; while only a small portion of his much more considerable earnings supported me. I remember this young lady quarreling with me and disagreeing to such an extent that I felt defensive. After that one conversation, I let the matter drop. My energy was limited, and I needed to preserve my wits for more important things.

During the years, I have not forgotten her statements, and have pondered over them often.

I might have agreed with her had Bob and I divorced after five years. He and I were students well through our thirties. We had purchased a house, but its proceeds went towards paying off our education. We were living in apartments filled with second hand furniture. Our cars were old and rattly, and we hardly owned anything more than the clothes off our backs.

After five years, I would have still been 29 and going to school. In addition, I would have had no trouble finding a well paying job soon after my education. I also would have had no trouble dating, being the gregarious, sociable sort. Plus, so many men I knew during that period were still single. In my fifties, the reverse is true.

Flash forward 21 years. I had been out of the job market for a considerable amount of time, supporting my husband’s career rather than my own. We owned a house, a vacation spot, an expensive boat, three cars, stocks, bonds, pensions, IRAs, and insurance policies. We had accumulated 26 years of memories and STUFF.

Dividing one’s possessions is never easy, not when emotions are involved. But I suppose, the separation of our combined assets would have been much easier after five years of relative poverty. After 26 years, we were faced with the prospect of dividing a considerable amount of accumulated “wealth”.

It’s all a matter of time and perspective, isn’t it? Just don't let anyone talk you out of what you know to be right for your situation. When the time comes to divide up your property, you will need to hang tough.

Here's some advice about dividing your assets:

Dividing Assets: Who Gets What Where

Divorce: How to Get it Right and Get on With Your Life

Starter Wife?

I admit, I'm a Debra Messing fan. And I had great hopes for Starter Wife, the new mini-series on USA channel on Thursday nights. After all, shouldn't it be easy for first wives to identify with Molly, who learns with a sudden shock that she is a 'starter wife'?

Molly's lifestyle is unrealistic compared to mine, but I understand why the producers decided on a Hollywood background: It's more interesting to watch a continuing series about the rich and famous.

While there are some realistic touches (the waffling friends; the change in lifestyle; the constant shocks as the abandoned but perfect wife goes through one situation after another) I was saddened to see the series descend steeply into Soap Hell. Towards the end of the first episode, I felt I had very little in common with the beauteous Molly.

It's too bad that this mini-series didn't stick to a more substantial premise. Last year one young lady told me, "My first marriage is for practice; my second marriage is meant to last." Huh? Is this the new attitude among the young? If so, this t.v. series has missed out on a rich goldmine of topics and an opportunity to delve deeply into this issue.

I'll continue to watch the show for a while, hoping I can relate to it. But I won't stick with it if it remains trite.

This critical Washington Post article sums the show up best.

Take baby steps

I was one of the lucky ones. After the divorce, I wound up with the house, acquired a good job, and kept my life largely intact. Even so, those first two years after Bob left were horrendous.

Two years. My mind knew it would take that long to regain my balance, perhaps longer; my heart wished it all away.

During the period of greatest stress I tried not to make too many irrevocable decisions. Friends and family urged me to do all sorts of things. Sell the house and find a small condo, and move to another city, were two of the more constant refrains. I was so stressed that I experienced a phenomenon that I can only describe as a noise in my head. So many fears crowded in on me, that I couldn't think straight.

So if you can possibly stave off making major decisions during this time (besides those pertaining to your divorce and family) then try not to act on them. Hold off moving or purchasing major items. You don't need to pile on more stress or worries, or to wake up from your nightmare and feel buyer's remorse.

Be aware of rebound relationships after your divorce

I noticed last week that Tom Arnold filed for divorce from his third wife. Mr. Arnold, if you recall, was married to Roseanne Barr. She, too, has been married three times, as has Quincy Jones. Donald Trump, Jennifer Lopez, and Tom Cruise are on their third marriages. What are the odds of these unions lasting? I'd be reluctant to place a bet.

I have noticed since my own divorce the number of people my age (and younger) who have been married three times. Three men I dated were married thrice. All of them were nice, hard-working, and respectable individuals who tried their best to make their second and third marriages work. My former sister-in-law, also divorce-prone, is married to her third husband. In between these unions, she had two serious relationships with men with whom she bought and shared a house.

Had I married my first serious beau after my divorce, I'd be divorced twice by now. The thought is mindboggling.

From the start I was leery of the rebound relationship I embarked on after my divorce. The big warning signal? This wonderful man had been married three times already. Nevertheless, I went out with him and fell in love because:

• He was different from Bob
• He was kind, gentle, and sexy
• I needed affirmation as a woman
• He made me laugh at a time when I was still crying
  
• I was lonely

After the first flush of excitement receded we both discovered:

• We loved and cared for each other
• We had nothing in common, not even politics
  
• The relationship was going nowhere
• We were getting restless

We lasted for four years, and although my break up with this man was hard emotionally, I kept my finances intact and there were no legal issues to resolve. So, as you feel your way through your new life, be careful of a rebound relationship and give yourself some time to adjust to your single state. My best advice to you (and myself) is to marry your next love for all the right reasons, and to love them for who they are, not for who you want them (or need them) to be.

Does Divorce Make You Happier?

Bob left our marriage because he was seeking happiness. His restlessness and yearning for something better, always evident through our many moves and his many jobs, and his habitual need to blame someone or something externally, finally landed on me. I was happy in my marriage. Content. And reveling in my love for him and in the long success of our relationship.

When he left, I asked him two things. One: Was he going through a midlife crisis? No, he said, but we both knew better. And two: Did he think he could find happiness by blaming me for his unhappy state?

His answer was unsatisfactory. I found out years later that he was still a desperately unhappy man in his new marriage, while I was still quite content. Is there a lesson to be learned from my situation? If you've had no history of abuse or drugs in your marriage, or experienced no extraordinary external factors, such as the death of a child, the following information might interest you.

Below are listed just a few of the results of a 2002 study entitled, Does Divorce Make People Happy? Findings from a Study of Unhappy Marriages, By Linda J. Waite, Don Browning, William J. Doherty, Maggie Gallagher, Ye Luo, and Scott M. Stanley,

• Unhappily married adults who divorced or separated were no happier, on average, than unhappily married adults who stayed married. Even unhappy spouses who had divorced and remarried were no happier, on average, than unhappy spouses who stayed married. This was true even after controlling for race, age, gender, and income.

• Divorce did not reduce symptoms of depression for unhappily married adults, or raise their self-esteem, or increase their sense of mastery, on average, compared to unhappy spouses who stayed married. This was true even after controlling for race, age, gender, and income.

• The vast majority of divorces (74 percent) happened to adults who had been happily married five years previously. In this group, divorce was associated with dramatic declines in happiness and psychological well-being compared to those who stayed married.

• Unhappy marriages were less common than unhappy spouses. Three out of four unhappily married adults were married to someone who was happy with the marriage.

This report comes from a team of family scholars chaired by Linda J. Waite of the University of Chicago. © 2002.

The point of this post is this: Continuing with one's marriage or ending it has a lot to do with attitude. Those who are willing to fight for their happiness and think that divorce is not an option, have a chance of working through their problems. But some folks, like Bob, just give up. I recall Bob saying to me: "My sister has married three times, and my brother has been divorced twice. Perhaps it's my turn."

With an attitude like that, did I stand a chance? Looking back, I think not.

Relieving the Stress of Divorce

A friend is going through a stressful period just now. She asked me for advice. What to tell her? Those of us going through divorce know that sometimes there's no getting away from the situation. Life's responsibilities press upon us and, as adults, we must meet them. Even as we are feeling at our lowest, we are asked to make major, life-changing decisions. During such a stressful time, anxiety attacks are not uncommon.

To my benefit, I have discovered that getting away from a stressful situation is helpful. When I felt bad, I would call friends in a nearby city and invite myself over. Even a short visit would give me the respite I needed. Often I would return home feeling refreshed, as if I had been gone for a week.

I also recall going to a day spa with two other girlfriends after the breakup of my first serious post-divorce relationship. We went to the Diva Den and spoiled ourselves, getting a pedicure and massage, and dining out and shopping afterwards. For just one day the tight ache in my chest left, and I believe those perfectly manicured nails helped me to get through a very dark time.

Do not be too proud to ask your friends for help, and be creative. Do you have young children but no money? Ask a friend with children to look after yours for an afternoon, and offer a swap time, giving her an opportunity to escape when she needs time alone.

Are you working three jobs and find yourself dismayed because your yard is a mess, as in my instance? Then treat yourself to professional yard service. The cost is well worth the reduction in your stress level. The same goes for your house. I called Merry Maids and gladly paid the $160 to have my house cleaned from top to bottom. At the time I was earning an average of $10/hour. I didn't care. The cost was worth the joy I felt when I stepped inside a clean house.

If you truly do not have the money, then set up a system of barter and trade with friends who are also going through a challenging time.

Mind Tools is a site that will help you understand how important it is to train your brain into thinking good thoughts and relieve it of stress. Click here to find some tools that have worked for me and others. Good luck!

Stress of divorce harmful to middle aged women

A recent study shows that divorced middle-aged women are more prone to heart disease than those who remain married.

Dr. Zhenmei Zhang, co-author of the findings from a Health and Retirement Study, found that emotional distress and a decline in financial status were the main factors linking divorce to heart disease in women.

“We found that divorced women have the lowest household income and wealth, compared to married women, widows and women who remarry,” Hayward says. “Divorce clearly leads to a drop in financial resources. Add that to the emotional distress that can stem from a change in residence, loss of social support or the potential of single parenting, and divorced middle-aged women are facing incredible stress that puts them at a distinct disadvantage when it comes to their cardiovascular health.”

The researchers were surprised the negative consequences of divorce did not go away with time, showing that divorce’s effects on women’s cardiovascular health appear to linger long after the divorce.

To read more about this study, click on this link from the University of Texas, Austin.

Another study entitled "Divorce: Trends and Consequences - Divorcing In Middle And Late Life" indicated that certain kinds of support can alleviate the stress of divorce.

Personal well-being following divorce also depends on social support, with some types of support being more helpful than others. Having a confidant who provides emotional and social support has been linked to reduced depression following divorce, while receiving material support can have a negative psychological effect. In addition, specific sources of support may vary based on age and gender. Middle-aged and older adults who divorce may not consider their parents as useful sources of help, while offspring may be more significant sources of support for this age group. In Carol Wright and Joseph Maxwell's 1991 study of persons divorcing after an average of twenty-eight years of marriage, women were more likely than men to rank grown children as the most helpful source of support. They received more advice, services, and financial, social, and emotional support from offspring than did men. In contrast, friends and parents reportedly provided more support than offspring to men.

To read the full article, click here.

The moral of these studies, I suppose, is that while the stress of divorce can be harmful to one's health, a family's support can counteract many these bad consequences. I do not have children that I can turn to, but I do enjoy a large circle of friends, a close relationship with my brother, and the love and support of my parents.

A friend of mine forwarded this email to me this morning. In light of these two studies, truer words were never spoken:

...A lecturer, when explaining stress management to an audience, raised a glass of water and asked, "How heavy is this glass of water? Answers called out ranged from 8 oz. to 20 oz.

The lecturer replied, "The absolute weight doesn't matter. It depends on how long you try to hold it. "If I hold it for a minute, that's not a problem. If I hold it for an hour, I'll have an ache in my right arm. If I hold it for a day, you'll have to call an ambulance."

"In each case, it's the same weight, but the longer I hold it, the heavier it becomes."

He continued, "And that's the way it is with stress management. If we carry our burdens all the time, sooner or later, as the burden becomes increasingly heavy, we won't be able to carry on. "

"As with the glass of water, you have to put it down for a while and rest before holding it again. When we're refreshed, we can carry on with the burden. "

"So, before you return home tonight, put the burden of work/life down. Don't carry it home. You can pick it up tomorrow."

So what can you do to reduce the stress you are feeling during divorce? Find something to do that you truly enjoy. Call a close friend, hug a dog or baby, volunteer with a group that does something you find worthwhile (like rescuing pets), write a letter to an old friend, exercise, take a long bath, or watch a funny movie.

If you regularly seek relief from your pain for even five minutes, you will soon discover that the world will start to look just a little bit brighter than it did before.

The Divorce Channel: Children and Divorce

In light of Alec Baldwin's and David Hasselhof's well publicized custody battles over their children, here are some clips that discuss alternate ways to handle divorce when children are involved.

This is the second show of the Divorce Channel with guest Allison Bell, Child Psychologist. Host Al Frankel, divorce therapist and mediator, interviews her about the topic of divorce and children. These clips are posted on You Tube. In all, they will take around 30 minutes to view.

Number 2, Part A



Introduction

Number 2, part B



...collaborative divorce, which I have found to be refreshing, and remarkably sane..."

Number 2, Part C



"Children have a lot of resiliency..."

Number 2, Part D



"If parents can stop the warfare, then there are some out of the box ideas..."

Number 2, Part E



"Here are some do's and don'ts about kids when you're getting divorced..."

Number 2, Part F



"Sometimes when parents go through divorce they might be needy and need comfort themselves. That's understandable ..."

Alison Bell's phone number is: 914-232-1211. She lives in New York state.

Podcast on Marriage and Divorce for Men

I listen to the Glen and Helen Show, a series of free podcasts offered through the Itunes library. Dr. Helen Smith is a forensic psychologist who discusses a variety of topics that interest me.

This link will take you to her blog and the podcast about divorce, in which divorce attorney Lauren Strange-Boston discusses the different ways men and women approach divorce negotiations.

You do not need an Ipod to listen.

The kindness of strangers, men specifically

Edited to contain new material: My lawnmower conked out. I bought it in 2000 and spared no expense for a cordless electric, instant start, self propelling mower. This fall, the electrical wiring to the plug loosened, and the mower is no longer fully juicing. It stops after about 10 minutes.

What to do? Who fixes electrical mowers? And if I paid the person, what would he charge?

So, after consulting with my brother, I bought a cheap gas mower. It is taking two men over two hours to put the wheels on. I would never be able to do this by myself. Even with the tools in my girlie bucket, I simply do not have the strength to hold the nut in one hand and tighten the bolt with the other while juggling the mower on my knees.

Most men I encounter have been willing, ready, and able to help out this single woman. Just this weekend an old beau called to say hello and catch up with the news. When he heard about my electric mower he offered to come over to check on it (he is an electrician) or, if he couldn't resolve the problem, take the mower to a home for juvenile delinquents where the electrical teacher would work on it for the cost of the parts.

Another problem resolved, thanks to a helpful male. Things have a way of working themselves out, haven't they? It's time I pay the favor forward.

Redecorating is good for the soul

It took me a full year before I realized I could do anything to my house I wanted. For 12 months I still operated under that double way of thinking: "What would Bob approve of?" One day it occurred to me that I needed no one's sanction, and I began to move forward.

The changes came slowly at first. I painted my bathroom a brilliant Barbados blue and added a tropical motif to the curtains and towels. But then I began to seriously rethink my furniture and rooms. As a single person with fewer social responsibilities, I needed a different configuration.

I moved the dining room furniture to the living room, which was seldom used, and created a seating area/tv area in the diningroom, which was open to the kitchen. Knocking down a few more walls with the help of my brother, I opened up the entire living space. An electrician friend upgraded my light fixtures, and I rolled up my sleeves and painted away.

A year later I designed a bedroom/livingroom suite in the basement with a kitchenette, and rented it out. I had found the perfect way of making the house pay for itself, while writing off major portions of it.

Just recently I added crown molding and chair railing to the living/dining room - kitchen area, and I am making arrangements to paint my livingroom a brighter, bolder color. (Bob liked white.) My redecorating is still not completed, though my place already looks more streamlined and brighter.

And then it occurred to me: As I transformed myself to suit my new situation, I also transformed my house. I feel as if a load has been lifted off me, and it shows.

Those familiar gestures

Six years after my marriage has ended, I still feel I know my ex well. Have you ever reunited with a close friend from high school or college? The years might have intervened and lots of stuff might have happened, but after you caught up with the details of your lives, you probably felt comfortable with one another again. That's because the essential "you," "me," and "we" haven't changed. You note the physical differences, but if you were once close, you turn to the essentials, forgetting the intervening years.

A few years after Bob left the house, he contacted me asking me if I still had some of his stuff. "Yes," I replied, "in the garage." By that time, he'd remarried and was living in another city. I did not keep these items out of sentimentality. I had been busy working three jobs and simply did not have the time to scour the attic and garage to get rid of the boxes of junk we had accumulated over nearly three decades together.

He came at the assigned time. I did not take him through my house (once ours), but asked him to meet me in the garage. He immediately spotted the old cedar chest that held his winter shirts and old jackets, and some other boxes I had put aside for his inspection.

I stood stiffly by a side doorway, watching him. We discussed the Lord of the Rings film trilogy (in our younger years we had been avid science fiction/Tolkien fans) and a few other sundry "safe" topics. In the middle of our conversation, he lifted the hem of his t-shirt, and rubbed his sweating brow, revealing his navel and chest.

Several observations swept through my mind as I saw him go through this familiar ritual, which I had observed for 32 years, especially after playing tennis or during yard work. One, he was wearing a wedding ring. He refused to wear one when married to me. Two, he had gained weight, something he had accused me of doing before abandoning our marriage, and that he said really impacted him. Three, the gesture was so familiar, I felt the years slipping away. It was as if we were still married and I felt exposed.

So, I turned my back, told him to take what he needed, but that I needed to go. I had things to do. Minutes later I heard his rental car leave. That was the last time Bob visited the house.

I have seen him once since, at a friend's funeral. He had gained even more weight, and was almost completely unrecognizable with his puffy cheeks and without his mustache. Except for those familiar gestures of hand, facial expression, and mouth, I would not have stopped to say a polite Howdoyoudo. Giving me a smarmy smile, (one that for years I had observed him giving to people he did not like) he hugged me. I recoiled at his touch.

Even though the after-funeral reception had just started, I left with a friend. There were other, better ways I could honor Leslie's memory, and we went to her favorite restaurant where the waiters and I shared our thoughts of her.

To this day I will remember post-divorce Bob in two ways: That wedding ring and that unwelcome hug. Familiar gestures, similar interests, and years of shared history be damned, unlike the hugs and handshakes that I welcome from friends of a bygone era, that man had unearned the right to touch me. One year later, I still shudder at the memory.